<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>letters addressed to the fire by violetswrites</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124941">letters addressed to the fire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetswrites/pseuds/violetswrites'>violetswrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Prodigal Son (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Strained Friendships, Team as Family, friends to not friends(?) to lovers, i only tagged brightwell but all the team dynamics are there, unresolved tension of all kinds, with some angst mixed in</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:21:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>78,345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124941</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetswrites/pseuds/violetswrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with an accident, with a small tip that should’ve led to nothing. A tip Dani shouldn’t have even been checking up on in the first place, </p><p>or; how Dani finds out, how they fall apart and end up falling back together after three months with a new case that starts to change everything.</p><p>an au of what could've happened after 2x06 and beyond.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Malcolm Bright &amp; Dani Powell, Malcolm Bright/Dani Powell, minor Jessica Whitly/Gil Arroyo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>194</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. if it’s all in my head, tell me now, tell me i got it wrong somehow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi all! this is probably gonna be a bit of a long one bc upon watching 206 my brain started spinning off into all the different directions this story could take and i started writing this behemoth.</p><p>a note on canon:<br/>this is canon right up to the last like 30 seconds of ep. 206 bc in this universe, Ainsley dissociated and went into a fugue state when she killed Endicott and instead of her doing the whole pig's blood stunt, Malcolm just told her what happened. there is a description of how the timeline works for this fic but the tl;dr of it all is that the back half of s1 is contracted, Endicott was killed in mid-march, s2 started in mid-april and ep. 206 happened in mid-june.</p><p>the chapters will alternate between focusing on Dani and Malcolm and long italicized sections are flashbacks and last but certainly not least, chapters are named by the songs i was listening to while i wrote this and their paired so first up, tolerate it, taylor swift.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“if it’s all in my head, tell me now, tell me i got it wrong somehow” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>tolerate it, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It started with an accident, with a small tip that should’ve led to nothing. A tip Dani shouldn’t have even been checking up on in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Since he had disappeared, Dani had been looking into Nicholas Endicott in whatever free time she had, trying to find anything of his last known whereabouts or anywhere he might be laying low that hadn’t already been raided by the NYPD or FBI. There was something about the whole affair that had struck her as odd and for whatever reason she felt like somewhere in the back of her mind she knew something, maybe even knew what happened the night Endicott disappeared, but it was just out of reach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani had been at the precinct since about seven in the morning and somehow it felt like she had done absolutely nothing. All the paperwork she needed to complete for all her cases was finished, signatures and all, she’d completed for her firearms recertification yesterday, and there were no new cases for their unit. In fact, she had been the only person from their team in the last few days so she didn’t even have JT or Bright to distract her and Gil to lightly scold them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not only was it boring, it was stupid hot. She loved living in New York City for so many reasons but summer in the heart of Manhattan was not one of them. The usual gross smell was intensified by like a thousand, tourists crowded the streets at seemingly all times, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> 16th precinct had really skimped out on their AC unit so despite all the noisy fans she still felt like she was boiling alive. So, when she overheard one of the officers complaining about having to go out on what was probably a false alarm call near Chelsea Market when he had ten minutes left on his shift she immediately offered to go in his stead. After all, it was just a woman reporting a suspicious package that would in all likelihood amount to nothing. If anything, as a detective she was overqualified to go on this call but at least it was something to do so Dani told the officer to go home, hopped into her car, cranked the AC, and drove towards Chelsea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The drive was shorter than she had expected given the lighter than usual traffic which, the more she thought about it, was probably because everyone was still on their Fourth of July weekend vacations. That had actually ended up being the reason Dani had been alone in the office for so much longer than usual; JT, Tally, and Junior had trekked down to New Jersey and were visiting Tally’s sister on Long Beach Island while Gil and Bright were in Montauk with Jessica and Ainsley at what Bright had called the “Whitly Fortress.” Given the texts she had gotten over the last few days with overly obscure facts about the natural flora and fauna of the Hamptons and Montauk complete with pictures, if he could find the specific specimens, she could only assume that Bright was slowly going insane. She knew that he had brought a few books and a smattering of psychology journals but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>also</span>
  </em>
  <span> knew that none of them had to do with the local habitat so if this was what he was resorting to well…maybe she should’ve taken him up on the invitation he had so awkwardly offered her.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, are you doing anything this weekend?” She and Bright were in the conference room taking the photos from their most recent case down from the whiteboard and filing them away and she absentmindedly shook her head. “Well since you aren’t you should come to Montauk with me for the Fourth of July weekend. The Milton’s have a house right on the water and it’s basically a castle, it’s stunning and it has a private beach, and…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As he went on extolling the virtues of the house Dani looked up, confused. Was he asking her to go with him to his family home in Montauk alone? For a whole four-day weekend? She knew there had been an undercurrent of…something between them slowly bubbling up over the past few months but he couldn’t seriously think that going on a weekend getaway for two was the best way to resolve whatever was going on…could he? Finally noticing her silence, Malcolm looked up and upon reading some of the confusion on her face and absolutely catching onto some of the thoughts running through her mind, he immediately started to blush red as the sunburn he’d likely have upon returning. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“N—no, I mean…sorry I set this up wrong, um…I meant to say we. Mother, Ainsley, Gil, and I are going out to Montauk this weekend so would you like to join </span>
  </em>
  <span>us</span>
  <em>
    <span> not just me” he huffed out a nervous laugh, “that would be absurd of me to just…I— I mean not that we can’t spend time together outside of work, I mean we’re still friends and…and we do spend time together outside of work already, quite a lot of it, and I was, I meant that—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Malcolm, relax” she finally took pity on him though, she had to admit, it was a little fun to watch him spin out, he was very cute when he got all flustered like this, “I understand your meaning and, while that is an incredibly kind offer, I already volunteered to pull a few doubles this weekend so some of the guys could leave early for vacation and I think it’s too late to go back on my word.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“But Dani…” he dragged out her name and strongly resembled a sad puppy, his blue eyes wide and slightly watery. In that moment, she was certain before the shit hit the fan, he had gotten anything he’d wanted with those baby blues as a kid, “Mother and Gil are gonna be so gross all weekend and Ainsley will either spend all her time on the beach or force me into playing Slapjack and roundly and repeatedly kick my ass. I need you to come, please. I’ll have no one to talk to.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He sounded unbelievably pathetic and it was adorable but still, some of the guys would hate her if she told them to cancel their plans. They already didn’t really like Bright and the precinct was a total boys club, unfortunately by doing favors like this for them now meant that she had an in with them if she needed anything later. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can’t Bright, I’m sorry. It’ll only be what, four, five days at most? You’ll live. Besides, you already spam me with texts at odd hours that I’m rarely able to read because I’m working or sleeping, now you can do it knowing that I’ll actually end up reading them out of boredom.” He smiled at that and so did she. At this point after ten months of working together, she learned to expect a random text from him with an obscure fact or musing about a cold case at some late night or early morning hour at least three times a week. She’d never say it out loud, but sometimes those texts were the high point of her day, particularly if they had a tough case she could always count on them to make her smile.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ugh, fine. But promise me the next time we go you’ll come along? You’re probably the only person who I’d willingly spend a day at the beach for and there’s an observation deck on the roof where you could stargaze from since I know that was something you did with your parents. There’s also a lovely cafe with a phenomenal tea selection that we can go to, so, promise me Dani?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God, he looked so earnest and excited and she felt herself getting lost in eyes the same color as the Long Island Sound. She was on track to drowning in them completely when she remembered that he had asked her something and was waiting on an answer, so she gave him one.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I promise. It sounds incredible, Malcolm.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The smile he gave her in return could’ve powered the city.</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>She was so wrapped up in the memory that she almost missed a parking spot a little ways down the street from the location called in, causing her to slam on the brakes and seriously piss off the guy behind her. She parked as quickly and as accurately as possible and got out of the car, spotting the woman who must’ve called it in. She looked to be in her late-30’s and was wearing an apron of some sort so she probably worked in Chelsea Market proper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Upon interviewing the woman, Dani learned that she was a butcher who had gone to throw out some trash and have a smoke when she saw what looked like blood on an old pair of clothes and what looked like a fairly sharp blade in a dumpster in the alley they were standing in front of. After getting all the woman’s information, Dani found the dumpster she had pointed out and realized that unfortunately, she would have to climb in. 
</span></p><p>
  <span>After getting over her mild disgust Dani found that the butcher was right, the duffle had clearly been there for a long time, perhaps three or four months at the very least. Leaning down and observing it closer, she found that a combination of wear and weather along with a healthy dosage of damage from the various street vermin of New York had caused a tear down the side of the bag where she noted the blade of a saw and a jacket…actually, a blazer with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lot</span>
  </em>
  <span> of blood on it was peeking out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani ran back to her car to grab an evidence collection kit, a camera, and gloves so she could process what she had of a scene, which thankfully took a relatively short amount of time given the lack of a body or any other significant forensic markers. After stowing away the kit, she grabbed one of the larger bags to store the individual pieces of evidence in. She pulled out what looked like a bone saw and a knife of some sort and both looked to be suspiciously clean; then she moved on to the blazer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was fitted and small, likely belonging to a relatively slim woman and it looked to be high quality, perhaps even bespoke so that might make it easy to find and the pattern…wait, she recognized that pattern. It looked familiar, almost just like…</span>
  <em>
    <span>"fuck."</span>
  </em>
  <span> A passerby with their child in tow shot her a dirty look but it barely even registered because, yeah, she did know that pattern. In fact, she knew the exact blazer. It was the blazer she had seen Ainsley wearing on the same night Dani had to arrest Bright for the </span>
  <em>
    <span>second</span>
  </em>
  <span> time, the night Gil was stabbed, the last night Nicholas Endicott was seen alive.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani felt her blood run cold. She packed away the rest of the evidence as quickly and meticulously as she could and bolted back to her car. She needed to get back and find Edrisa </span>
  <em>
    <span>now.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Pulling into a spot in the precinct lot and doing what may have been the messiest park job in existence, Dani hopped out, grabbed the evidence bags and kit in her arms. She knew that it was almost six and Edrisa was probably locking up but this was too important to wait. 
</span></p><p>
  <span>She raced down the stairs into the morgue and flung the door open and before Edrisa could even open her mouth, Dani cut her off, “I got called out to a scene a couple of hours ago, a woman found a bag with a bloody suit jacket and pants and a power saw, the blazer is a visual match to the one I saw Ainsley wearing the last night Nicholas Endicott was seen alive. I know this is asking too much, and I know it won’t be easy but I need you to put a rush on the lab work for this and I want you to do it quietly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Edrisa processed what Dani had thrown at her, her face morphed from confusion to anger, “Dani what the hell? Do you seriously think Ainsley and Bright had anything to do with this or are you just playing devil’s advocate or whatever crap you were calling it when this happened back in March?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sounded as pissed as she looked and honestly, Dani couldn’t blame her. She knew the last time this had happened it had been especially rough for the M.E., particularly when Dani herself was trying to be objective about the case to the point of being detached and cold but this was not that. This time something </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt</span>
  </em>
  <span> different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Edrisa I know how this looks, but I swear I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t look forward to being proven wrong.” She still looked unconvinced. “Listen, I know that last time this happened it was a little… tense between us but this is not that. This is me having a sickening, sinking feeling that I need you to put to rest. I have a terrible feeling about this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Edrisa still looked hesitant but nodded, “I’ll do it.” As she started unpacking the evidence baggies she stopped cold. “Dani,” her voice, smaller than Dani had ever heard it, “this is the kind of saw we sometimes use on cadavers to open them up, it’s a bone saw. Bright asked me about these a while back I, um…I told him this brand was the best on the market.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edrisa looked like she might throw up and Dani was certain that the look of nervous fear that was written all over the M.E.’s face was mirrored on her own. She took another hard look at the saw before slipping back into work mode, logging everything and preparing it for lab work quickly and emotionlessly. Dani took that as her cue to leave, but before she got all the way out the door, she turned back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Edrisa, thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All she got in return was a grim nod.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the walk back up from the morgue, Dani realized she was about an hour late for the cookout JT and Tally had planned for the team tonight. Pulling out her phone she saw about fifty calls and text messages all probably asking where she was which…great. At least Edrisa, who has no poker face to speak of, already had an excuse lined up, citing plans with partner’s parents, but Dani well, she knew she wouldn’t be able to face Gil or Jessica or Malcolm or, oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ainsley without completely losing her shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew there were several ways she could go about missing a team bonding event and all of them would probably look suspicious as hell, but faking illness seemed to be the frontrunner until she remembered one very important problem: Bright. If he heard that she was sick there was a 99.9% chance that he would drop everything and come over to her apartment bearing gifts. Knowing him, those gifts would be ingredients for one of Jackie’s homemade soups and a box of the fancy loose Earl Gray tea they had found at their favorite shop a month earlier. He’d immediately park her on the couch and make her the soup and some tea and stay to check in on her at least until she fell asleep and no, she wasn’t speaking in hyperbole. This exact situation had happened last month when the takeout JT had insisted on ordering from his favorite taco truck gave her a bout of particularly nasty food poisoning. 
</span></p><p>
  <span>So yeah, illness would be an unusable excuse for tonight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She filed through her brain trying to remember if there was any urgent paperwork from open or recently closed cases that needed to be finished and came up empty. She’d been bored all day and besides, Gil would absolutely call her on that and tell her it could be completed later. Then, as if someone had heard her conundrum, an email from an old friend in Narcotics showed up in her inbox.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani had met Ali García when they were both newly-minted detectives, probably too green to be sent into the field doing the undercover work they were assigned given their age, but sent in nonetheless. They weren’t just the youngest officers in their ten-man unit they were also the only women and the only people of color so they bonded very quickly. After Dani was dismissed from Narcotics, she knew Ali had faced pressure to leave based solely on Dani’s failings but she had stood her ground and now was in-charge of their former unit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting at her desk and opening up the email she saw that Lieutenant García had sent a case over, asking for an opinion. Apparently last night, one of her undercover officers had been seriously injured by an unknown assailant in her apartment after coming home from the club she was working as a hostess in. The upper brass was convinced that the young officer had been found out and immediately killed the op even though the officer in question was adamant that she hadn’t been burned. Ali had trained the young woman herself and vouched for her skills as an undercover operative. She wanted Dani to review the case and see if she noticed anything strange or that stuck out to her. 
</span></p><p>
  <span>As awful as the reason was, it was the perfect excuse for her not to go to the cookout so she called Gil explaining this and, given her connection to the detective in charge and her history with the other investigators in Narcotics, he said that he completely understood the urgency.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would’ve said she was home free if it didn’t feel like the walls were crashing down around her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani fully immersed herself in the case until her eyes started to blur at which point she used Gil’s spare office key and crashed on his couch, she was in no mood to go home at this time of night. Despite the dark of her room, her mind refused to turn off, slowly driving her crazy with every scenario she could think of that would prove what she felt in her gut wrong until she fell into a fitful sleep. The alarm she set jolted her awake at six and she changed into the athletic clothes she kept in her go-bag, went to the gym and, instead of running her typical five miles, ran ten. When even that couldn’t get her excess energy out, she took a quick patrol shower, threw on the change of “work clothes” she had in her go-bag, grabbed her tote, and booked it out of the precinct.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she stepped outside Dani noticed that today was more overcast than yesterday had been but was no cooler, if anything it seemed more humid which…that was just great. Regardless, she made the short walk over to the tea shop that she and Bright had become regulars at. As she made her way to the counter, Dani browsed the menu and looked at the array of fresh-baked goods in the display case even though she knew she would probably just get what she always got. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After ordering, Dani wandered back to the small sitting area in the shop, smiling slightly as she approached the section in the corner with two old-fashioned wingback chairs facing inwards to a small table, a section she had come to think of as theirs. 

Her and Malcolm’s place to get away from the horrors of the precinct during lunch breaks and talk endlessly about the books they were reading or the music they liked or anything and seemingly everything else under the sun. She’d even met him here on some days when he wasn’t consulting on a case, days when they just wanted to talk, days when his mind was getting too loud. Sitting here alone felt wrong somehow, it felt incomplete, empty, if she was here, he should be too; their tradition had become casually intimate without either of them noticing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before she could ruminate on what exactly </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> meant, a server set down her order, a steaming mug of Lavender Earl Grey and a lemon-blueberry muffin because despite the heat of the day, you couldn’t pay her to get iced tea. She had her food and drink and now it was time to hunker down and hope that she’d be able to lose herself in the best and worst of times in Dickens’ revolutionary France.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Several hours and tea refills later Dani finally checked her phone and saw that Edrisa had texted saying that she’d be in the bullpen with results within the next half-hour. Rushing back to the precinct, Dani sat at her desk rhythmically tapping her nails as she waited, perking up when she saw Edrisa approach looking like she was practically vibrating with nerves. Well, there was no turning back now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I finally got the results back from the lab but I haven’t looked at them yet, I figured you might want to do that on your own and besides, if your hunch is right, I’m not sure I want to know what’s in that folder quite yet.” Her voice came out almost as a whisper, “Or maybe ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani shot her a sympathetic but tense smile, “I don’t blame you Edrisa, and I hope I’m wrong but no matter what happens, thank you for putting a rush on these. I’ll let you know what’s going on as soon as I know.” Edrisa nodded and left, returning to the cold of the morgue but nonetheless leaving some of it with Dani as she felt a shiver run down her spine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grabbed the key Gil had given her and made her way to his office, each step getting harder and harder to take almost like she was wading through molasses, and the feeling of dread that had taken root in her gut the moment she found that bag spreading into  every part of her. She’d spent longer than intended in the cafe so the precinct was starting to empty out as the day shift switched to night but it didn’t matter, she needed privacy for whatever was about to happen. Dropping onto the couch, Dani took a few deep breaths and opened the file, whispering the rule her very first Lieutenant had drummed into her: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take in the facts first then draw conclusions from them. No jumping to conclusions or making intuitive leaps in the middle. Just the facts </span>
  <em>
    <span>then</span>
  </em>
  <span> conclusions.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Fact: very trace amounts of blood had been found on the blazer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fact: the blood was a match to Nicholas Endicott. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fact: while there were no fingerprints, blood that had seeped under the handle of the knife, some belonged to Endicott, the rest belonged to an unknown woman.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fact: when Edrisa had run the blood from the unknown woman she received a hit in their criminal database and although the woman wasn’t in the database that didn’t matter because she shared 50% of her DNA with Dr. Martin Whitly who was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fact: barring any illegitimate children, Ainsley Whitly was the only woman who would have the same blood running through her veins as Dr. Martin Whitly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fact: the circular saw had been cleaned and bleached almost immaculately with the exception of a small spot on the inside where there was a trace amount of Endicott’s blood and a partial print belonging to Malcolm Bright.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Conclusion: on Monday, March 16, 2020 at approximately 10:00 PM Nicholas Endicott was stabbed to death by Ainsley Whitly, then chopped up by her brother, Malcolm Bright who likely disposed of the body and attempted to dispose of any and all evidence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, no, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani’s heart dropped through the floor as bile rose up in her throat and the sounds of the precinct began to fade into the background. The file in her hands fell to the floor and she realized it was because her hands were shaking uncontrollably. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t pick up my bad habit.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His words rang in her head, but no matter what, she couldn’t stop it anymore than she could stop her breath from getting caught in her chest or her heart rate from skyrocketing or her eyes from blurring with tears, and this time he wasn’t there to hold her hands and stop them from shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had grounds to arrest Ainsley for murder and Malcolm as an accessory after the fact and she knew exactly where they were. It was the Friday Whitly weekly dinner night and she would have to arrest them in front of their mother and…Gil. He would be there too. She thought fleetingly about sending other officers but no, she had to see his face and she needed him to see hers. She needed him to understand what this meant for her, for </span>
  <em>
    <span>them.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani wasn’t sure how long she sat there, nor did she completely remember collecting the papers that had fallen to the ground or walking to her desk to grab her keys, but as she got into her car and got ready to turn out of the precinct lot, she took a deep breath and steeled herself as much as she possibly could before turning in the direction of the Whitly manor.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. break free & leave us in ruins</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the family dinner // the confrontation </p>
<p>or; Malcolm is just starting to get really bored at the weekly Whitly dinner when a visitor calls for him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“break free and leave us in ruins // took this dagger in me and removed it”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>tolerate it, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately, Friday night was reserved for weekly Whitly family dinners which had only gotten </span>
  <em>
    <span>slightly</span>
  </em>
  <span> more tolerable since Gil had started joining them but not by much. If he had his way, he’d stay in the precinct reading through cold cases and distracting Dani from her paperwork as they came up with theories and tried to find fresh leads much to the chagrin of Gil, JT, and the other officers around them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead here he sat, trying his best to seem appropriately engaged even though he was almost certain he couldn’t do anything to hide his utter boredom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tonight’s topic of discussion was a rehashing of their Fourth of July vacation to Montauk which had admittedly been better than their trips in the past but that was in no part due to his mother. This time around, Malcolm severely underestimated the amount he would read and exhausted nearly all of his material within the first two days which meant he had to get creative. In his case “getting creative” meant scouring the library for a book on the plant and animal life native to the area and making a game out of finding everything, an activity that elicited eye rolls and groans from everyone except Dani who he updated throughout the weekend via text. Currently, his mother was pontificating on the luck they’d had with the weather which apparently had been, “cold but not completely unreasonable with an acceptable amount of sun,” as she moved on to the firework show he found that he was only half-listening, his mind far away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Over the past few weeks he’d noticed that his night terrors seemed to be…changing. They were still well, terrifying, but there was something else, something </span>
  <em>
    <span>different.</span>

</em></p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the past few months he’d been haunted by Nicholas Endicott’s murder. He’d close his eyes and like clockwork, his subconscious mind had returned again and again to </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> night, Gil lying in the hospital hanging on by a thread, Ainsley’s bloody face, Dr. Whitly’s prideful </span>
  <em>
    <span>my girl,</span>
  </em>
  <span>Endicott’s chopped up corpse all flashing behind his eyes. While all of this was horrifying, anxiety-inducing, and maddening, it was still familiar. Yes, these were the night terrors he was used to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Since he’d fallen down that elevator shaft he’d noticed that while the themes were the same, their center had been shifted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One night it was him waking up beside Dani only to find her dead in their bed, a knife in his hands, her lively, sparkling brown eyes lifeless; another, a variation of </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> night but instead she’d been stabbed instead of Gil and before Ainsley could even reach for the knife, he would shoot Endicott but it would be too late, Dani would be dead anyway. Last night he’d woken up with tears falling down his face and a scream lodged in his throat after seeing Dani striding into his apartment, face hardened, cuffs in hand to arrest him. She wasn’t loud or short-fused in her anger but silent, her quiet rage simmering under the surface, a volcano primed to explode, ready to drown him in an endless pyroclastic flow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But, there had also been times where he noticed himself dreaming.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was such a foreign concept to him, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>dream.</span>
  </em>
  <span>Until he’d been concussed and nearly crushed by an elevator, he was certain he hadn’t had a dream since his father began chloroforming him twenty years ago. He found it was…nice to fall asleep and step into a parallel world where he was happy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yes, usually in these dreams Dr. Whitly was still in Claremont, but Malcolm wasn’t as tortured by it anymore, his </span>
  <em>
    <span>family</span>
  </em>
  <span> wasn’t tortured by it anymore and he still worked at the NYPD with his team solving murders but they felt more like a unit, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>family</span>
  </em>
  <span> and when he went back to his apartment at night it felt like a </span>
  <em>
    <span>home.</span>
  </em>
  <span>Malcolm wasn’t alone anymore. He looked forward to weekly dinners at the Whitly Manor, got drinks at a local bar with his team after closing a case, and he fell asleep and woke up not restrained by chains but wrapped in the embrace of someone he loved, her soft snores in his ear and her hand resting protectively over his heart. He started and ended his day wondering if it was too soon to ask his mother about taking great-grandmother’s surprisingly understated art-deco engagement ring from the family safe and getting it resized for Dani.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, his dreams could never stay that way. They always had to end and no matter what, they always ended the same way. He always found himself back in his basement kneeling in front of </span>
  <em>
    <span>the</span>
  </em>
  <span> box, his father behind him, reminding him that when he inevitably opened it he’d be forced back into a world where none of this would ever be possible. A world where no matter how long Dani was in his life now, he’d lose her sooner or later. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d lose all of them sooner or later...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was pulled from his musings by a knock on the door and Luisa poking her head into the dining room, “Mr. Bright, there’s a guest waiting for you in the drawing room.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jessica, Gil, and Ainsley looked at him, confused but he was absolutely clueless. He had no idea who could possibly be looking to speak to him, alone, at almost seven on a Friday night but he got up from the table anyway and followed Luisa down the hall nonetheless. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
<span>In the drawing room he found a very upset looking Dani and, though he tried not to profile her, he could tell from the heartbroken, desperate look in her eyes that something was very very wrong. “Dani, what—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bright, please, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell me you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t, Malcolm. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tell me</span>
  </em>
  <span> that I don’t have to walk into your dining room and arrest your sister for murder and arrest you as an accessory!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears had started falling as she spoke and no matter how much she was trying to stop them, it seemed like an uncontrollable reflex and he…he was speechless. He had never, </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> seen Dani like this before. His first thought wasn’t even wondering how she knew, it was that he had done this, had broken her, perhaps beyond repair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani I—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But how was he even supposed to respond to her? Tell her Ainsley hadn’t murdered Endicott? That he hadn’t chopped up his body and sent it out of the country? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That would be a lie and while he had avoided talking about Endicott and redirected any conversations about him that they had in the past, he couldn’t lie to her like this. Not when she asked him directly, not when it was surely written all over his face. He stood silent as seconds seemed to stretch into minutes into hours. They were frozen, gazes locked on each other, hoping beyond hope that there was a mistake, that Dani wouldn’t have to do what she threatened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Powell what are you doing here?” Malcolm was plunged back into the icy reality of the situation. Of course Gil would show up just in time for him to be arrested by Dani for the third time in five months.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gil, tell me you didn’t know, not you too.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dani’s voice was shaking in time with her hands as she pled with Gil who looked between the two of them utterly confused. Malcolm hung his head. He had known that all this would happen eventually but god, he had hoped it wouldn’t be Dani who found out, he couldn’t stand to have her looking at him like that and in that moment Dr. Whitly’s words bounced around in his head: </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Stay for her. A partner you can actually be honest with. You’ll never have that if you open that box.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, once again Dr. Whitly was right. He had lied and brought this misery upon himself. He had done irreparable damage and destroyed what was the deepest friendship and the strongest relationship he had had in a very long time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani, what on earth are you talking about? Kid?” Relief briefly flickered across Dani’s features before it transformed into red hot anger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ainsley did it." The words left her in a rush, "Ainsley killed Endicott and Bright helped cover it up. Someone called in a suspicious bag and I found a bloody blazer, a knife, and a bone saw in it all of which had trace amounts of Endicott’s blood on them and the knife had Ainsley’s blood. That’s circumstantial evidence, Gil.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gil's face was impassive which was a rarely occurring phenomenon. Usually Malcolm could read him with just a glance but the few times something like this happened, it was dangerous, it meant he was in trouble. “Dani, how </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> does Bright fit into this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you know him and so do I and we both know that he’d never, </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> murder someone in cold blood, but” he heard her breath catch before she charged on, “he absolutely would cover it up for someone he cared about with no regard for the consequences that he could face for it, and the moron left a partial print on the saw and goddamnit Bright!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rounded on him and her hands landed on his chest but instead of pushing him away, it was like she had run out of steam as she laid her forehead on his chest, finally giving into her tears. Watching Dani’s emotions completely overwhelm her after becoming so accustomed to her natural stoicism felt like someone had stabbed him all over again. Yet, he realized that she was allowing herself to be vulnerable with him even if it was just for a few more moments longer. It may have been…scratch that, it absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> selfish of him to do, but he knew without a doubt that this was the last time she’d let him be this physically and emotionally close so he wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest, burying his nose in her soft, coconut-scented curls. This was it, the last few seconds before everything they had would be shattered into a million pieces, swept away on the wind. He felt tears burning behind his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani,” he whispered to her, quiet enough so that only she could hear it, “this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life but she is my sister and he was threatening her. I trust you with everything in me but I had to protect her.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Malcolm tilted his head back a bit and brushed the back of his hand across her cheekbone and under her chin, lifting her head so he could look into her eyes, nearly drowning in their amber, only a hair's breadth between them. He wiped some of her tears away with his thumb, “That doesn’t change the fact that I care about you. Mother, Ainsley, Gil are family, Edrisa, JT and Tally are good friends, but you are in a league of your own, Dani Powell. And,” he braced himself, “I want you to arrest Ainsley and I and take our case if the NYPD allows you to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes widened and mouth dropped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How— </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> can you ask that of me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dani, there is no one I trust more than you,” he spoke thickly and felt a few tears slip out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"please."</span>
</em></p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hesitated for a moment before nodding almost imperceptibly and stepping out of his embrace, steeling herself for what was about to happen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your Mother and Ainsley, they’re in the dining room?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Malcolm nodded and she walked out of the room, pulling a handkerchief out of her pocket and using it to try and dry her eyes. Belatedly, he realized that he had given her that on a case a while back at a scene that had been covered in cat hair which caused Dani to sneeze uncontrollably, it had been absolutely adorable. He was almost lulled back into a memory of what they had been like before when he heard Gil clear his throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ainsley killed Endicott, kid?” Malcolm nodded, “And you covered it up then did an apparently shitty job of disposing of the evidence?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded again, shaking his head “I’m sorry Gil, but you should’ve seen her. In that moment she wasn’t Ainsley, she went into a fugue state and acted in a way she never has before and never will again and she’s my sister, I had to protect her. I didn’t see any other way out of this. You were hanging on by a thread in the hospital, Mother was with you, distraught, and Endicott was threatening Ainsley and I.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt like he was ten years old again, telling Gil about the girl in the box, begging him to listen, trying to convince him that she was real and not a figment of the imagination.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He spent who knows how long with her threatening her, then when I got there he told us that no matter what anyone did, no matter what evidence was on the warrants that Dani and JT were going to serve, he would be able to get out of it. We were powerless to stop him from doing whatever he wanted and it made her snap. Gil you have to believe me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gil sighed, “That’s the problem kid, I do. You’ve never had an ounce of self-preservation instinct and it finally bit you in the ass.” He opened and closed his mouth several times and crossed his arms, trying to best figure out how to say whatever would come next, “And Dani, you just—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” he laughed humorlessly, “she’s gonna hate me forever.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” Gil sighed, “She’s gonna </span>
  <em>
    <span>try</span>
  </em>
  <span> to spend forever hating you but end up hating herself infinitely more for trusting you.” He sounded so tired, “She’s gonna clam right back up and become the person who pushed everyone away and threw herself headlong into an assignment with so little regard for her own well-being that she almost didn’t survive all because she thought it would dull her pain.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Malcolm looked up at Gil who just looked endlessly sad, “Her undercover case with Narcotics?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stood in silence for a while until Gil shook his head, “The brass sent her under just after she turned 23 after about eight months on the force and less than a year after losing her mother. Dani told me she used for the first time on the anniversary of her death.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt like someone had sucked the oxygen out of the room. He heard footsteps echoing down the hall and turned just in time to see Dani pass the drawing room with Ainsley, feeling like someone had drenched him with a bucket of ice water, “I just wanted to protect Ainsley. That’s all I wanted but I hurt everyone Gil, didn’t I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gil just stared, unable to find any words to comfort him. Malcolm heard Dani’s boots clicking on the marble floor as she approached the drawing room once more where she’d cuff him and drive them down to the station. Their next conversation would be across a table in one of the interrogation rooms at the precinct where he’d likely be surrounded by Whitly lawyers and the reality of the situation truly began to crash down around him and he looked up to see Dani stopped at the door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Though she had done a good job of masking her emotions, there was no hiding the puffiness of her red-rimmed eyes as she fidgeted with her extra pair of handcuffs. She took a step towards him, then another and he met her in the middle, holding his wrists out to her so she could arrest him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were officially fucked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. go back to a time when i didn't feel like something was missing // now my body & mind are so distant</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>a series of confrontations back at the precinct, or; everyone gets a lil dramatic when dani is assigned the case and she heads home to deal with the aftermath</p><p>the song is "i can't breathe" by bea miller</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so this is another long one about dani, i promise that as we go on, malcolm will have longer chapters this one kinda just kept writing itself so...yeah. also this will be a behemoth but my brain will not stop being on this train so here we are.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“go back to a time when i didn’t feel like something was missing // now my body and mind are so distant” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>i can’t breathe, bea miller</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Empty was a feeling Dani Powell was well acquainted with, it had followed her around for months after she buried her father at 16 and again when she had buried her mother six years later and now it was back. After bringing Malcolm and Ainsley to central booking she practically ran back to her desk, trying to pack up as quickly as possible. All she wanted was to get out of here and just be left alone. Yeah, she definitely had to get out of here before… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Powell!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked up to see Captain Thomas motioning towards his office and she had no choice but to follow. Dani tried to quell her nerves and school her expression but there was only so much damage control she could do, almost jumping when the door slammed shut behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Powell, I understand you brought Mr. Bright and Ms. Whitly in in connection with the murder of Nicholas Endicott?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded, hating where this was going, “Yes sir.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the evidence you have. It’s rock solid?” She felt her stomach drop, he sounded like he was barely containing absolute glee. Yeah, she knew where this was going and she </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have DNA evidence and a partial fingerprint, sir.” She absolutely would not tell him that while the evidence was hard to deny, it wasn’t necessarily the slam dunk he was looking for. Besides, the Whitly lawyers were the best money could buy and in all likelihood the sentences handed down wouldn’t be anywhere near what he was hoping for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then,” an almost predatory smile made its way across his face, “I have about a dozen guys out there who’d love to nail The Surgeon’s kids to the wall, but since you made the collar I’ll give you first dibs. What do ya’ say Powell, wanna take the Whitly’s down a peg or five?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her knee jerk reaction was to correct him because Malcolm was not a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Whitly</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Bright,</span>
  </em>
  <span>full stop. And not only that, but Bright was the reason that Major Crimes had had such a high closure rate for the last year </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> the reason that Captain Thomas had gotten a hefty bonus recently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But after all that, he had the audacity to sound like a kid on Christmas at the prospect of putting Malcolm and Ainsley in jail? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Absolutely not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No matter how much she wanted to wash her hands clean of the case and of Malcolm Bright as quickly as possible, she wouldn’t let him get thrown to the wolves. She’d promised him that if offered, she’d take the case and no matter what they were now, before this had happened he was her best friend, her partner and as much as she wished she could remove the parts of her that cared about him, she couldn’t so she had her answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir. I’d like to take the lead on this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘Atta girl!” Captain Thomas smiled widely and opened the door, clapping her on the back as she left the office, shouting after her, “Knock ‘em dead!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could see JT and Gil out of the corner of her eye, about to pull her into a conversation but before either of them had the time to catch her, she took a sharp turn down the hall and ducked into the women’s bathroom, running into a stall and promptly dry heaving into the toilet. She wiped her mouth with that stupid handkerchief of Bright’s she had never returned to him and backed into the cold tile wall, sliding down it until she hit the floor, arms clasped around her legs and her forehead resting on her knees. Her breaths were coming in harsh pants and she tried to remember what it was that Bright had told her about how you should breathe during a panic attack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breathe in, two, three, four.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hold, two, three, four.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breathe out, two, three, four.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hold, two, three, four.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Repeat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Square Breathing, that was what he had called it. Dani kept at it until she was breathing regularly on her own and felt like she could conceivably walk back out into the bullpen and act like her normally cool, collected self. She pushed herself back to standing, wiped her hands on her thighs, pocketed the handkerchief, unlocked the stall and almost walked right into Jessica Whitly who was standing at the sinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I assume that was you in there?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mrs. Whitly’s voice sounded deceptively calm and her face wasn’t giving away anything which quite frankly, terrified her. Dani had never been close with the woman but she admired her gumption and even though Bright complained about her from time to time, Gil spoke highly of her, so she had a healthy dose of respect for her too. But that didn’t make her any less intimidating in this moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was.” Her voice sounded much smaller and hoarser than she wanted it to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m glad to know you’re just as disgusted with yourself as I am. It would be…unfortunate to find out that my son’s friend,” Mrs. Whitly’s eyes flashed, “his </span>
  <em>
    <span>best</span>
  </em>
  <span> friend was able to discard him so easily.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew it would just add fuel to her fire but Dani couldn’t not respond to that, “I could never. He was my…” she tried to find the words to describe what exactly Malcolm Bright was to her but nothing seemed to fit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No please, Detective, do go on. He was your what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She swallowed thickly, her mouth deciding on an answer before her brain could catch up, “He was the first friend I’ve had in years, my— my best friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mrs. Whitly scoffed, “That’s an awfully interesting way to treat the first friend you’ve had in years.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He covered up a crime, Mrs. Whitly.” Dani could feel herself losing her patience. “He works for the NYPD. All his friends all work for the NYPD. Someone was going to find out eventually so tell me, what exactly was I supposed to do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not bring him and my daughter in publicly! Not arrest them in front of Gil! I mean really, was that necessary? He </span>
  <em>
    <span>trusted</span>
  </em>
  <span>you, Detective Powell!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did he?” Her patience was officially lost. “If he trusted me he should’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>told </span>
  </em>
  <span>me then maybe I could’ve helped! Maybe I wouldn’t be arresting him in the first place!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you have though?” Her eyes took on an almost sinister glint and Dani knew she was going in for the kill, “Given how quickly you jumped at the chance to be the officer-in-charge I somehow doubt that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was it, wasn’t it? That was the question everyone would be asking her. She could say that Malcolm told her to bring him in a thousand times over but no one would really believe that would they? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was certain that whispers were already making the rounds and Gil and JT surely knew why she had been called into the Captain’s office so it was only a matter of time until the whole precinct knew. No one on her team would be able to look at her the same way again, even if Bright explained the situation himself and was allowed to come back to work. Hell, if Bright came back to work, she was almost certain she’d end up requesting a transfer. There was no way she’d be able to stomach her anger and guilt while working in the same building as him, let alone while on the same team.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath and met Jessica’s eyes, “Don’t you think it killed me to have to bring them in? Don’t you think that I would give </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> to get the hell away from this case? But </span>
  <em>
    <span>your son</span>
  </em>
  <span> asked me to bring him and Ainsley in and take their case and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>promised</span>
  </em>
  <span> him that I would and that I wouldn’t railroad either of them. I’ll make the same promise to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rolled her eyes, “I hope you know that your promise is meaningless to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do,” Dani looked down and began playing with her rings, “and I hope you know that there’s nothing you could say or do that could possibly make me feel worse than I already do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani felt her heart stop, and she looked back up at Mrs. Whitly whose expression was unreadable, she had a feeling what would be said next but that…that was impossible, wasn’t it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He loves you, Detective Powell. I’m not certain I know in what way, but I do know for sure that my son loves you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, Dani had been proven wrong before but she wasn’t sure it had ever felt this painful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, Jessica Whitly turned on her heel and left the bathroom. It felt like she had taken all the oxygen out of the room with her. Dani wanted nothing more than to run after her and ask what she meant and how she knew, or to barge into the holding cell and ask Malcolm himself what his mother was talking about but she knew she couldn’t. She had to face her team so she did her best to control her breathing again, rolled her shoulders back, made sure her head was held high, and walked back to the bullpen. Gil and JT were nowhere to be found and she was about to call out for them when she felt herself getting pulled into Gil’s office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck, Dani?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That would be JT. So it seemed they were starting in on this right away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She glanced around the room and saw JT pacing, Gil leaning on the front of his desk, and Edrisa slumped on the couch, head in hands. It seemed that the whole team would be here to ream her out for this, well that was just wonderful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Before any of you bite my head off, Bright </span>
  <em>
    <span>told</span>
  </em>
  <span> me to take this case. I take absolutely no joy in this and if you don’t believe me just ask Gil.” She gestured to her boss who thankfully nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh we’ll get to you arresting one of our team members in a bit, but Dani, why wouldn’t you just </span>
  <em>
    <span>come to us</span>
  </em>
  <span> about the evidence you found?” JT’s voice was steadily rising, “We had to find out from Edrisa that you were suspicious about Bright and his sister in the first place. We’re a </span>
  <em>
    <span>team</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’re supposed to tell us these things, don’t you trust us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t get to talk to me about trust right now.” She knew how she must’ve sounded to them, voice icy cold, leaving no room for argument, but she couldn’t afford to sound any other way. She had just reined in her emotions, she would not lose it again. Not here. Not now. “None of you get to talk to me about trust right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, none of us are letting Bright off on this one” Gil started, trying to calm the situation, “but we are wondering why you didn’t tell us about the tip you investigated and the evidence you had Edrisa run down. No matter what, JT’s right, we’re a team and you should’ve told us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I shouldn’t have.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two of them looked like they were about to jump down her throat so she raised a hand and continued, “The only reason Edrisa knows is because she’s the only person in the lab I trusted to run the analysis. Gil, you know you can’t be objective on this, I told you that months ago while you were recovering.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She saw Gil hang his head. Good, at least he knew. Now for the tough one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“JT, as much as you say you’d be able to handle this, you wouldn’t. When we had to arrest Bright the first time for Eddie’s death you didn’t want it to be him, you were looking for evidence that would prove he didn’t do it and—”</span>
</p><p><span>“Dani, how</span> <span>can you say that and still believe that </span><em><span>you</span></em><span> were objective? You were looking for ways to free Bright too!”</span></p><p>
  <span>“She really wasn’t.” Edrisa, the last person in the room she thought would be defending her, piped up. “I was so angry with Dani when you guys were on that case because I knew both of you believed Malcolm didn’t do this but…to be honest, I didn’t know if Dani did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room fell deadly silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could tell that JT and Gil were seething but she didn’t have the energy to argue, “Well that settles it, I’ll be starting on the Endicott murder tomorrow and I’ll probably need to interview all of you at some point so be prepared for that. I’ll also” she willed her voice not to shake, “be taking a temporary leave from this team since it could provide me with a bias.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani,” Gil paused, weighing his words, “I know he asked you to do this but contrary to popular belief, Bright isn’t always right. You don’t have to do this for him, you don’t have to do this to yourself.” She could tell Gil was trying to be helpful, to give her an out, but she just couldn’t take it, not right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I do.” She tried to force the exhaustion out of her voice but she was just so damn tired, the case hadn’t even really started and all she wanted was to sleep for about a thousand years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, Dani—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No</span>
  
  <span>Gil!” Her head snapped to him and her eyes flashed with frustration and anger, “I have to do this because if I don’t, Thomas is gonna assign it to someone out there who will absolutely throw the book at them. He certainly insinuated as much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one had anything to say to that so Dani gave them a stiff smile and a humorless laugh. “Yeah. That’s what I thought. I’ll see you all around the precinct, ‘night.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani turned and booked it out of Gil’s office, haphazardly stuffing everything she’d need in her bag and nearly sped home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After trying and failing not to slam her apartment door shut, she changed out of her clothes, turned the shower to scalding and got in, wanting to burn and scrub off everything that had happened today. She stood there until the water started to turn cold but nothing had changed. If she still drank, she would’ve considered spending the next few hours finding the bottom of a few bottles but that wasn’t an option for her anymore.</span> 
</p><p>
  <span>Although she supposed none of that mattered. She was certain that nothing could erase the past few days so she decided to try her comfort routine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani opened up her parent’s old record player and found the Billie Holiday album that had been her favorite as a child. As the first strains of music filled her apartment, she could feel some of the tension she held in her shoulders dissipate as she hummed along and danced around the kitchen collecting the ingredients for her father’s chicken soup recipe. Sure, it was the middle of summer and she wasn’t sick, but this usually was the one thing that could always make her feel better when nothing else did. For a while the magic worked, she felt like she’d been wrapped up in a safety blanket up until the moment she sat down to eat at which point she fell into memory that almost made her throw out the fruits of her labor entirely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They were in the middle of a grisly triple homicide when Bright had shown up to the scene with a nasty cough and stuffy nose. Gil had turned him right around and it was a testament to how ill he was that it took very little convincing for him to go home which concerned all of them. In the back of her mind, Dani could feel an idea beginning to take shape that only solidified as the day dragged on. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She left work an hour early, promising JT that she’d do the paperwork on the next three cases and made a quick stop at the grocery store before using Gil’s emergency key to let herself into Bright’s building. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dani was surprised to see the lights around the apartment dimmed and him in bed restrained and seemingly asleep. Deciding that him being able to rest, no matter how short-lived that rest may be, was more important than interrupting what looked to be peaceful sleep, she unpacked the grocery bags and started preparing her favorite chicken soup recipe as quietly as she could. The soup was simmering on the burner and she was looking through the crime scene photos on the kitchen island when she heard Bright crying out as he started to pull against his restraints. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She had to wake him up. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When he had tackled her in the precinct, she remembered holding him and repeating that it was only a dream as he woke up, but holding him wasn’t really an option this time. She was certain that if she tried she might catch an errant elbow or fist. Throwing water on him while he was sick would only make him feel worse but she didn’t want to just leave him to wake up or fall deeper into his night terror which left…well, it was an idea. Maybe not a good one, but an idea nonetheless.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rolling her eyes and steeling herself, Dani grabbed and held down his left wrist, put her knee on the bed, and swung her other leg over his torso, effectively sitting on his hips, as she caught and held his right wrist down and…it did wake him up and stop him from struggling, so that was good.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Meeting his eyes, she found his normally clear, sharp eyes were clouded by the fever he likely had and his voice, well his voice was low and husky as he spoke,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dani? I…um, am I dreaming or are you actually here?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, no I’m here, you’re awake.” She scanned his face, just to make sure, “If I take my hands away you aren’t gonna clock me though, right?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He shook his head so she leaned forward and started to unbuckle the restraint on his right hand realizing almost immediately just how awkward the position was. Her eyes widened slightly but dwelling on the awkwardness would only mean that she would be there longer so she got back to work. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He laid there, looking up at her incredulously as she freed his wrists and got off of him as if, if he moved, he’d find he had truly just been asleep in another night terror this whole time. In fact, Dani was pretty sure that she had broken Malcolm Bright’s brain which would've been a point of pride had it not been due to such an…unusual situation. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So,” his brain finally went back online, “if you’re not a dream, what are you doing here? Also,” he stopped to hack up a lung, “how did you get in?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dani rolled her eyes, “Gil gave me his key. I come bearing case files and” suddenly, she felt bashful that she had made food for a man barely ate, “I uh, also just made some soup if you want to try any.” A small smile spread across his lips, “Yeah, okay. I want to hear your observations on the case and I’ll at least try the soup. From what little I can smell, it smells good.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As they made their way over to the kitchen she started explaining the case and the scene, preparing a bowl of soup for him which, to the surprise of both of them, he ended up being to keep down and to the surprise of Dani, he asked if she would mind letting him keep the leftovers.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her chicken soup was on the very small list of things that he could eat without unsettling his stomach and while that usually made her smile, today it just made her heart hurt. She groaned at herself for that, she was being ridiculous, food was food and she had worked hard on this, just because he’d enjoyed the recipe didn’t mean that she couldn’t enjoy it too. She relaxed back into the old wingback chair the Arroyo’s had given her when she moved into her apartment in Morningside Heights and looked over at her bookshelves, filled with pictures, finally landing on one of her and Jackie Arroyo that Gil had taken one Thanksgiving a few years ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani had spent the holiday with the Arroyo’s for the last few years and every year she remembered Jackie complaining that her kid never came back to celebrate the holiday with them because, “Oh Dani I think you’d get on </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> well! Malcolm’s a bit of an odd duck but he’s so sweet and intelligent” and then Jackie would get that mischievous glint in her eyes, “and he’s quite attractive, dear. The next time you’re free and he’s home I’m introducing you two!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani huffed out a laugh as she thought about that and spoke to the photo, “You knew him best Jackie, what do you suggest I do about Malcolm Bright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no answer except the light piano introduction of I’ll Be Seeing You which felt oddly appropriate; the song had always reminded her of her parents but now it had her thinking of Bright too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wouldn’t matter if she never saw him again after all this because he’d made her a better cop and a better profiler and she doubted she’d ever get through a case again without thinking of him, no matter how briefly. Somehow after less than a year she’d let him get closer than anyone had in a long time and he had become one of the best friends she’d ever had which was impressive. Dani knew that she’d never had much luck in that department to begin with so his friendship </span>
  <em>
    <span>meant</span>
  </em>
  <span> something. Her only other cop friend outside of her current team and their significant others was Lieutenant García but they really only talked on a surface level. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, her team members weren’t really her friends were they?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil, JT, and Tally were more like her family than friends and while Edrisa had slowly been warming up to her, she feared that any burgeoning friendship was a non-starter now. Strangely enough, she and Ainsley had taken to texting back and forth whenever Bright got injured and was feeling ornery about it (so, always), but now that bridge was so totally and completely burned that it was almost laughable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So…friends? Not so much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t even as if she had a significant other who had friends she could meet either. Her romantic prospects were pathetic and the last long-term relationship she had was five years ago with Estimé, while undercover which </span>
  <em>
    <span>barely</span>
  </em>
  <span> counted. Since then, Jackie had been the only one brave enough to pester her about finding someone but that almost always resulted in her trying to set her up with her surrogate son which of course just led back to…  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm fucking Bright,” Dani groaned in frustration, “if I could, I’d smack you so hard you’d be out for a week you stupid asshole. I trusted you and you— you are </span>
  <em>
    <span>ruining</span>
  </em>
  <span> me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt good to say out loud where no one would hear it because…it was true wasn’t it? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was ruining her. Any faith she had in other people, any trust she wanted to put in them was slipping away from her like sand through a sieve and the emptiness that had nearly swallowed her whole in the precinct was back. Maybe the fury and the tears from the Whitly manor would come back later, but the longer she sat, the longer she felt all those emotions fade away until nothing remained and as if on cue, the record ran out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sat for a few moments longer, enjoying the silence until a car alarm outside startled her into getting up so she could clean up the mess she made in the kitchen, store her leftovers, and go about the rest of her nighttime routine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Getting in bed seemed like an exercise in futility. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew it would be hours before she actually fell asleep and she knew that any sleep she </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> get would be terrible, but the day had drained her so much so she at least had to try. After tossing and turning for what felt like forever, Dani finally felt her eyelids start to get heavy and her body relax as her thoughts began to slow and the emptiness began to give way to something else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she dropped off to sleep the feeling settled into place and identified itself as heartbreak. But that was something too heavy to dwell on in the midst of everything going on right now so she shoved it away and sealed it deep in the recesses of her mind where she hoped it would stay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, as life had proven time again, she was rarely so lucky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And this would be no exception.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a couple of things:</p><p>1) i could apologize for the excessive overuse of italics but i'm not going to</p><p>2) square breathing is a real technique you can use if you need to calm your breathing and heart rate during an anxiety or panic attack or even when you feel yourself getting lowkey anxious</p><p>3) are moments of these confrontations slightly melodramatic? perhaps but i firmly believe that dani would have some bursts of frustration and anger at the whole situation bc she absolutely deserves to</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. wanna go back to a time that was different</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>malcolm, ainsley, and jessica head back to the precinct for interrogation and it goes just about as well as you'd expect.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>once again the song is i can't breathe by bea miller</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“wanna break all the clocks and the mirrors // and go back to a time that was different”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>i can’t breathe, bea miller</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Contrary to the weather report, it looked like rain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The city was unusually subdued this morning and blanketed in dark grey clouds, the humidity thick in the air and crackling with electricity. It felt like the sky was waiting for the electricity to spark into lightning and the rain to pour down from the heavens. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually, he loved a good summer rainstorm, they had a way of cleaning and cooling the city like nothing else could but today, today it just felt like a bad omen which honestly, made sense. In a few minutes they’d arrive at the precinct where he and Ainsley would be interviewed by Dani, the same Dani who had arrested him the night before, the same Dani who he’d been lying to for almost five months and to say that he was nervous would be an understatement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow the Whitly lawyers had persuaded a judge to release both him and Ainsley to his mother’s recognizance last night and the moment they had been released, a tense silence had settled over the three of them and had remained unbroken until now. He vaguely heard his mother rambling as his gaze was fixed on the town car window, watching the streets and avenues pass by as he, Mother, and Ainsley made their way to the station. Apparently some time before breakfast the lawyers had called her to talk strategy and Mother was giving them the rundown on how everything should go. He tuned back into the conversation after she pointedly coughed then looked between him and his sister.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When you go in for your interviews I want you to say as little as possible. I know Detective Powell was your friend Malcolm but she is certainly not now,” he could hear the disdain for Dani dripping from his mother’s every word, “and I must insist that </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> of you have a lawyer present during your interviews.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” Ainsley was smart enough not to fight their mother on this but he absolutely would not have a lawyer to hide behind while he was talking with Dani.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm darling, I think you may be under the impression that that was a suggestion but let me assure you it was not, it is a requirement.” Her voice was laced with annoyance as she prepared to fight him on this which he could handle but was probably the last thing Ainsley needed right now. He could see her out of the corner of his eye, her body subtly curled in on itself, her face blank, and her usual bubbly glow dimmed. He needed to end this before it escalated into a full-blown argument.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then I’ll waive my right to an attorney.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother sighed heavily but before she could continue her tirade the car came to a stop in front of the precinct. As they waited for Adolpho to open the door, he could feel the anxiety radiating off of Ainsley and his mother in waves as he clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. It barely worked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm could feel everyone’s eyes on them as they entered the precinct and it reminded him of the first day he went back to school after his father had been arrested. Probing eyes, judging, wondering if he was the same as his father, wondering if he’d break just like him, only now they wondered if he was like Ainsley too. An officer directed them to the waiting area and not five minutes later someone came by to bring Ainsley and her lawyer to an interrogation room. Despite only having a few sips of tea for breakfast, he felt his stomach churning and genuinely wondered if he would be sick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He glanced around the precinct for JT and Gil but JT’s desk was empty and Gil’s office had the blinds drawn and no light shone from underneath the door. The two of them were either out on a case or taking the morning off, likely the latter, which was for the best. He didn’t know how he could face them or even </span>
  <em>
    <span>if</span>
  </em>
  <span> he’d be able to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t seen Gil after Dani brought him down to the station but he couldn’t imagine how upset he was with him, Ainsley, and his mother. Malcolm knew he had put Gil through a lot in the twenty years he’d known him but this certainly took the cake. He knew his surrogate father would never cut him off completely but he couldn’t even imagine how disappointed, how </span>
  <em>
    <span>angry</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was that he’d covered up such a heinous crime. And JT well…he and JT had only </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> started to really feel like they were solid friendship territory and if it took the man almost a year to accept Malcolm on to the team, he was very doubtful that they’d ever be anywhere in the ballpark of friendship again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So his list of friends had been winnowed down to one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he saw Dani, Ainsley, and Ainsley’s lawyer return to the precinct but the rush of movement had caught everyone’s attention. While the lawyer whispered with his mother, Ainsley turned to him and spoke, “Detective Powell asked if I would undergo a psychiatric evaluation with someone from the NYPD in a few days, that’s what they’re talking about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought it was an excellent idea but hesitated, it seemed as though his sister was keen on it too but he wanted to make sure, “Will you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gave him a small smile and nodded, “Yeah. I think it’s a good move and also, no matter what mom says, I like Dani. She wouldn’t do something like that if she wasn’t already sure that it would help our case.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was…incredibly perceptive. He knew she could read people, any journalist worth their salt had to be able to, but for her to get that from Dani, a woman who was as closed off to strangers as they came, was impressive. Either his sister had better profiling skills than he thought or she was closer with Dani than he thought but before he could ask her, she excused herself, subtly glancing around the bullpen before intercepting Dani and drawing her into an alcove only a few feet away. He knew it absolutely wasn’t his place to listen but he was curious, what on earth else could his sister have to tell Dani? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Powell?” He could see her playing with a button on her blazer, one of Ainsley’s nervous tics and he almost jumped up to stop her but he held back, “I just…I wanted to thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt his mouth fall open and was almost 100% certain that Dani’s expression was the same as his because she sounded absolutely incredulous, “For what? I arrested you. I suggested you undergo a psych eval because I’m worried you had a psychotic break. You should hate me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Dani I mean it, thank you. It’s just that…well, everyone in the precinct looks at me and sees The Surgeon’s daughter and the rest of your team sees poor Malcolm Bright’s sister and my mother sees my dad being led out of the house in cuffs and Malcolm…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ainsley's voice broke and she sounded so </span>
  <em>
    <span>small</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she sounded like the five-year-old he’d comforted in the days and weeks after their father was arrested and he dreaded whatever came next, “Malcolm looks at me and sees all the ways he’s failed as a big brother. Somehow, you’re the only one that sees me, just me, Ainsley Whitly. So I…thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He vaguely heard Dani reply but he was too distracted by what Ainsley had said to even register it. Was that really how she felt? Had he really been so selfish?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d like to believe that he wasn’t and that wasn’t how he’d treated her but he knew better. The moment the dust had settled and Endicott was dead on the floor, his first thought was about how much of a failure he was; Malcolm Bright, profiler extraordinaire, couldn’t even tell that his own sister had been teetering on the edge of a cliff for months, couldn’t tell that she was capable of killing someone. He’d felt like an utter failure because…how could he have missed this? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now though he realized that he’d failed as a profiler </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> as a big brother and while it hurt </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> much to hear her say that, she was right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was also why Dani was the perfect person, really the </span>
  <em>
    <span>only</span>
  </em>
  <span> person who could take the lead on this case. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In a precinct full of people who saw this case as the one that would make their career, who had delusions of grandeur, she understood how delicate this was and how important it was that she proceed with caution. Based on everything he knew about the man, he was certain that Captain Thomas would derive some sick pleasure by having someone from his team run this case and the logical choice for officer-in-charge was Dani. By having a detective who had worked with him for months be the one in charge of destroying the Whitly name again, Thomas was hoping it would be some form of psychological torture for him, banking on the fact that Dani would take every opportunity to throw the book at them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, judging by the barely restrained fury written all over Captain Thomas and the Assistant District Attorney’s faces from where they were hiding in the former’s office, it was backfiring quite spectacularly. They’d made the fatal mistake of assuming that no one in the precinct liked Bright, not even his own team and now they were paying the price. He was certain that Thomas had never really paid attention to Dani before because if he had, he would’ve known that she was a deadly mix of brilliant and calculating and she was not to be underestimated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment that Dani had requested a psychiatrist be brought in for Ainsley’s interview it was all over. She knew just as well as everyone else on the case that if a psychiatrist brought in by the NYPD determined that Ainsley had had a psychotic break, the most the A.D.A. could reasonably charge her with was voluntary manslaughter. She’d shot her own case in the foot but in a way that no one could fault her for because everything had been completely by-the-book, any repercussions she’d face would be on a petty personal level.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And she would face repercussions, he had no doubt about that, but still, Dani chose to deal with the wrath of her captain and the prosecutor’s office for his sister and perhaps for him too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Malcolm could ruminate on that too much on what </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> meant an officer had called him to escort him to an interrogation room for questioning. He was directed to the chair and, as he sat and looked across the table at the one-way mirror, he wondered if Dani was looking back at him in the viewing room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The longer he sat there, the longer he was left alone with his thoughts, and the longer he was left alone with his thoughts, the more he felt certain that this was going to be an unmitigated disaster. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were very few times he had been on the other side of Dani’s ire but having experienced it, he tried to avoid it if at all possible. He thought about the most recent time that she had been really, truly upset with him which had been in the aftermath of Eve’s death. He remembered the way she had sounded when she gave profile on Eddie’s murderer in the morgue, the way she had looked at him after he confessed he had seen Sterling killed in front of him, the way she had snapped at him later in the conference room… </span>
</p><p>
 <em>
    <span>"You need to stop lying to us."</span>
 </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The interrogation room door slamming shut snapped him out of the memory and there she was, taking the seat across the table from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Bright, you’ve been read your rights and you still refuse the right to counsel?” Her tone was completely flat and her face completely devoid of emotion. “And, you understand that you reserve the right to ask for counsel at any time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes at that one and replied, “Dani, I understand my rights and don’t need, nor do I want a Whitly lawyer in here with us, I just want it to be you and me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” She nodded and looked down at the file in front of her then back at him, “Please tell me, in your own words, what happened on the evening of Monday, March 16th.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Bright, please tell me, in your own words, what happened on the evening of Monday, March 16th.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice remained unsettlingly even and nothing in her expression belied the anger she was likely feeling. He had seen Dani a thousand ways, had observed her nearly every day for the better part of the last year, but he hadn’t ever seen her like this. She was doing everything she possibly could to not let him in and render him incapable of reading her and it…it was working. Dani was in the practice of holding a lot back from the world around her, but she rarely shut down on purpose and even if she did, that usually didn’t hinder him from reading her but clearly she’d made an effort to ensure he wouldn’t profile her today.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Bright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right, he was supposed to be answering a question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked you to recall the events of the evening of Monday, March 16th.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, well…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He figured simplest was best. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At approximately 7:00 PM, I received a call from my mother, Jessica Whitly, who told me that our mutual friend, Lieutenant Gil Arroyo, your boss, was in the hospital after having been stabbed by Nicholas Endicott. I arrived at Lenox Hill Hospital about an hour later and remained there until about 9:45 PM.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can anyone corroborate this?” Still nothing which was odd but not entirely unexpected. He was sure that eventually Dani would give him something back because there was no way she could keep this up for the whole interview…right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My mother, any number of hospital staff that was on call during this time, as well as NYPD Detectives JT Tarmel and Daniela Powell.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani narrowed her eyes at that which…fair, she hated it when people used her full name but he couldn’t think of a better way to crack the façade she was hiding behind. Still though, other than her eyes, she remained stone-faced and it was starting to annoy the hell out of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And why did you leave the hospital?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I left because at approximately quarter to ten I received a text from my sister, Ainsley Whitly telling me to come home. I caught a cab back to my mother’s house and arrived shortly thereafter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha—” Her voice cracked and finally, </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he got something from her but instead of letting him in more, she cleared her throat and started again, “What did you find upon arriving home?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found Nicholas Endicott in our home with Ainsley. I’m not sure how long he’d been there or what he’d said to her but it was clear from her body language that she felt threatened. Upon arriving he threatened both of us and our mother and taunted the NYPD’s efforts to bring down his empire. He made it very clear that he had powerful people in his pockets who would put a stop to any investigation.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani nodded, “We were concerned about that but since his death, we’ve been able to start unraveling his network somewhat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, after that I—” he winced slightly “I pulled a gun on Endicott but I couldn't go through with hurting him no matter how much I may have thought he deserved it but then Ainsley…she—” he could feel bile rising as he clenched his hands tightly, feeling his nails almost begin to draw blood, “she grabbed a knife from our table and slit his throat and stabbed him several times. After that I took the knife from her hand, laid it on the ground and brought her to the kitchen so she could come back to herself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come back to herself?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Ainsley went into a dissociative state when she killed Endicott and I say that not as a big brother, but as someone with a Ph.D. in Psychology.” Dani looked taken aback, so he continued sheepishly, “Yeah, technically I’m Dr. Bright. I got my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Georgetown University while I was working with the FBI.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” She looked impressed which made him smile a little before diving back in, “And after you escorted Ms. Whitly from the room and she ‘came back to herself,’ what happened after that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He audibly swallowed. Gil always accused him of having no self-preservation instincts and though Malcolm would never admit it, he was right but this— this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>different,</span>
  </em>
  <span> this time if he answered that question truthfully he’d never be allowed to work as a consultant again. Sure, it was highly unlikely that the NYPD would want him back in the first place, but he had to try.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I plead the Fifth.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” He clocked the momentary frustration that flashed across Dani’s eyes before it was tucked away. “Were you aware that recently, pieces of Nicholas Endicott’s body were found chopped up and disposed of in Estonia?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> was certainly news. He actively willed his jaw not to drop and his hand not to shake even as his anxiety spiked. “No, I was not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you have </span>
  <em>
    <span>no idea</span>
  </em>
  <span> how Mr. Endicott’s dead body ended up in Estonia in pieces?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And finally, do you know how a bag with sister’s bloodstained clothes and an immaculately cleaned bone saw with your fingerprint on it ended up in a dumpster by Chelsea Markets?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No clue.” Which, okay it may have been a bit of a stretch but it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>technically</span>
  </em>
  <span> true. He had dumped the bag in a trash chute in a building with no cameras near Chelsea Markets in April knowing that the smell of the fish would mask any suspicious odors, but he had no idea how it had made its way into a separate, otherwise empty dumpster four months later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes flitted across his face and he could tell she was trying to find a way to get him to incriminate himself and…yeah, he understood why Dani had asked him to not do this early in their partnership. It felt like she was trying to reach inside his brain and pull out his thoughts so they could be laid out on the table between them for everyone to see and wow did he </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then.” She clearly had found something in his eyes but for the life of him he had no idea what. Or maybe…she hadn’t found anything at all except for his resolve to stay silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for your time, Mr. Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Dani."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t even give him a second glance as she pushed back from the table, remaining ever the calm, consummate professional that she’d been since the interrogation started. As the door slammed shut he felt himself deflate a bit releasing a breath he didn’t realize that he was holding, his hand tremor starting up again after it miraculously staying still throughout the whole interrogation. A minute passed before Malcolm stood up, straightened and buttoned his jacket and prepared for the officer to escort him back to his mother and lawyers in the precinct waiting room. A few more minutes later and he was still alone in interrogation but just as he was about to poke his head out of the door to check if anyone was indeed coming to get him Dani snuck back into the room, closing and locking the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s no one across the glass, the camera is off, and I never plan to speak a word of this conversation again, do you understand?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um…yes?”  But Dani, what—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you understand?” She spat each word at him and there was no mistaking the fury that colored her features now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes I understand. Does this mean we’re actually gonna talk now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re an idiot. Do you know that? An idiot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of all the things he’d expected her to lead with that was…not it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you had just called me or JT or hell, even Edrisa and asked for help after what happened we wouldn’t even be in this situation. I know you were emotional but you’re still one of the smartest people I know so how— </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> could you be so stupid?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An uncomfortable silence settled between them, something that had never happened before. Sure there were always those natural breaks in conversation and quiet car rides he’d shared with Dani but those always felt comfortable, settled. Finally he couldn't take it anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was a rhetorical question, wasn’t it?” He snarked and she rolled her eyes, looking exasperated even though he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>certain</span>
  </em>
  <span> he saw a hint of fondness in her features. “Okay, I will admit that maybe my actions weren’t all that smart, but the moment it happened all I could think about was how I had to protect her. It didn’t matter how, I just had to protect Ainsley, you know this Dani. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But who protected you? Bright, if you had just come to us when it happened we could’ve helped you, protected both of you. Now we can’t protect either of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That stopped him short. As much as he’d deny it to others, his baseline was working under the assumption that no one would care enough to want to protect him. She must’ve seen his train of thought in his eyes because any residual frustration or anger she was holding on to melted from her features and she just looked sad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you honestly think that we wouldn’t have wanted to help you? Do you really think so little of yourself?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—” He had planned to come up with an answer denying it but he just couldn’t. He’d lied to her so much recently and he didn’t want to again. “Yes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright, part of the deal with friendship, companionship of any kind really, is the assumption that people care about you enough to want to keep you safe and I— I thought we were friends.” God, she sounded </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> sad and he knew there was nothing he could say or do to make any of this better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we were friends and I thought you trusted me enough to believe that I’d be there for you and to be honest about when you needed me to be there and I guess you just…weren’t and Malcolm, I trusted you with so much of myself and I wish—” her voice shook slightly and for a moment a sheen of tears glassed over her eyes, “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wish</span>
  </em>
  <span> I could take it back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was it. That was what sent his heart right out of his chest and shattered it against the precinct floor. Dani held his gaze for a few more seconds before turning, unlocking the door, and turning back to him, meeting his eyes one last time, her façade once again impeccable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“An officer should be in to escort you back to the waiting room shortly, Mr. Bright.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>True to her word, someone appeared at the door less than thirty seconds later and suddenly he was back with his mother and her army of lawyers. The precinct was unusually busy for this early in the morning so he knew it had to be loud but instead everything sounded faraway, almost like he was underwater, all he could hear was her words in an unending loop. He barely noticed that his mother was speaking as they got back into the waiting town car until he thought he heard his name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...did your interview with Detective Powell go? I still wish you had brought a lawyer in with you darling but you…Malcolm?” She finally snapped him out of his trancelike state and searched his eyes, trying to figure out what had him so distracted, “Malcolm dear, are you alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry Mother,” he smiled, wincing internally at how forced it felt, “I’m fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard heavy drops of rain begin to thump against the roof of the car.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>cool so i guess what i'm learning is that (1) i actually can't write a short chapter and (2) i use italics excessively however i will not be apologizing for either of these things at this time</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. maybe it's all gonna turn out alright // i know that it's not but i have to believe that it is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>dani makes a discovery about, well, the discovery.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the song for this is appointments by julien baker and hey! this is a comparatively short chapter!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“maybe it’s all gonna turn out all right // and i know that it’s not but i have to believe that it is” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>appointments, julien baker</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dani didn’t even know why she was doing this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had been friendly Ainsley and cordial with Jessica before all this happened and she loved Gil like family, but deep down she knew she wasn’t doing this for any of them so, as her heels clicked down the marble hallway of the courthouse, Dani once again started going through her mental rolodex of possible reasons she was doing this until she stopped short, realizing that she was about to overshoot the judge’s chambers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Judge Rossetti was a kindly looking woman with just a few white strands in her wavy dark brown hair, reminding Dani of her mom before the cancer took a deep hold on her. It immediately put Dani at ease which was good, considering she was about to do what was quite possibly the nerve-wracking, career fucking up thing she had ever done in her life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re Detective Powell, I take it?” Even her voice sounded like her mother’s, right down to the subtle Bronx accent. Okay, she could do this, she could do this, Dani could absolutely do this… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Powell?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, yes ma’am that’s me. I’m here to discuss the State v. Ainsley Whitly trial set for next week’s docket.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The judge sifted through some files on her desk before finding the right one, skimming it and motioning for Dani to go on, “I was surprised to see that the D.A.’s office had filed murder one charges with seemingly no discussion of a lesser charge or a plea deal; from the evidence I observed and the interviews I conducted as the arresting officer and lead detective, both myself and a NYPD psychiatrist concluded that the defendant had been in a dissociative state during the murder. That would be crucial evidence for the defense team to have, would it not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The judge quirked a brow and searched the folder again, “It would be. Do you happen to have this interview with the psychiatrist and their recommendation on the record?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani handed over her the copy of the case file that had been submitted, processed, and catalogued by the NYPD. Rossetti read the NYPD file, then compared it to what the D.A. had submitted into evidence. She looked shocked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it seems that I’ll have to call both parties to my chambers tomorrow as the prosecutor’s office buried what is very clearly exculpatory evidence making it sufficient grounds for a mistrial. Thank you for catching this, Detective.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. Although I'd like to ask you to keep my name out of this. This particular case was an exception, but usually I work with Lieutenant Gil Arroyo, Detective JT Tarmel, and NYPD consultant Malcolm Bright who is the defendant’s older brother.” Dani felt her voice starting to tremble as she felt the judge’s eyes survey her so she took a deep breath before blurting out “If it makes any difference, at the end of this case, I plan to put in a transfer to another unit if Mr. Bright is acquitted and is allowed back onto the force.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You say you worked with him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani nodded, “He was my partner for the better part of ten months and I had multiple interactions with him and his family. Until a few weeks ago, I considered Mr. Bright, a good friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Judge Rossetti furrowed her brow and tilted her head, choosing her words carefully, “Your honesty is quite refreshing, Detective. While I can understand why you wish to remain anonymous, I will need you at the meeting with the prosecution and defense so they will know. However, I can put a gag order on them so no one outside of that room tomorrow will know if you’d like.” Dani nodded, but she wasn’t finished, “If for some reason you change your mind about having your name removed from the public record you need to let me know before our meeting with the counselors. I’ll call them in for some time tomorrow afternoon, I’ll see you then. Thank you again for catching this.” </span>
</p><p><span>Dani smiled at the judge and left the room, briskly making her way down the hallway and out to her car where she promptly buried her head in her hands and massaged her temples, trying to stave off the stress-induced migraine she could feel beginning to rear its ugly head. This meeting tomorrow was exactly what she wanted to avoid. Jim McConnell, the Assistant District Attorney and prosecutor assigned to this case had hated her from the moment he met her during her time in Narcotics and now, he’d discover that she caught him in a lie that would </span><em><span>at</span></em> <em><span>best</span></em><span> force the prosecution into a plea deal. Though, given the tenacity of the Whitly lawyers she was almost certain that this would end in a mistrial.</span></p><p>
  <span>McConnell already condescended to her during every case she worked with him and damn near humiliated her by consistently asking that everything she submitted for evidence be double checked by someone “more reliable.” He constantly cited her past with addiction as something that made her incompetent and untrustworthy and he did his very best to remind everyone of that by sticking thinly-veiled jabs at her into every conversation. She really didn’t want to think about how much this would set him off because it was going to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>bad.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But hey, even if she was absolutely screwed, at least the integrity of the legal system would be upheld. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaving the courthouse and walking out into the July heat was absolutely miserable. If the day hadn’t been so disgusting, she would drive back to her apartment, change and go for a run but that simply wasn’t an option because she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>melting</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Besides, while her meeting with Judge Rossetti went well, she still needed to talk it out so she called the one person who would always give her solid advice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, hey what’s up?” Gil’s voice coming over the line made her smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Gil. Would you happen to be available to get coffee like now-ish?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, I can leave JT in charge for a little while. Everything okay? You sound strange.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I— I don’t really know. I need some advice and also a little validation. Meet me at the coffee shop down by the courthouse? I’m already there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be there in a bit, I assume you’ll tell me why you were at the courthouse when I know the date for Ainsley’s trial isn’t until late next week?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani chuckled softly, “Yeah, I will. See you in a bit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard Gil hang up so she walked across the street and sighed as she was hit with a wave of cool air upon opening the door. There was a blessedly short line at the register so Dani ordered and grabbed two overstuffed wingback chairs, pulling out her mother’s old copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Their Eyes Were Watching God</span>
  </em>
  <span> and settling into the book as she waited for Gil and her tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had gotten through about two chapters when she heard the bell and looked up to see Gil waving over at her. As he ordered his drink and Dani waited for him to come over she felt herself getting nervous which was ridiculous but then again, she hadn’t really spoken to Gil in the three weeks she had been on the case and things had remained…tense between her and the rest of the team. Dani had just marked her spot with a receipt when Gil sat down across from her, surveying her, almost as if he were trying to profile her. So it seemed Bright really was rubbing off on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on Dani? Everything okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes? No? I don’t know.” She took a sip of tea, Chamomile, she couldn’t bear to have Earl Grey right now, and tried to collect her thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil, I found out yesterday that the prosecutor never submitted Ainsley’s interview with our psychiatrist or the recommendation for her to be sentenced to Bellevue into discovery then filed murder one charges so the defense never even knew that they would have a chance of asking for a plea deal. I just left the judge’s chambers and obviously I told her everything, but there’s gonna be a meeting with the prosecution and defense tomorrow that I have to be at and McConnell’s gonna hear that I destroyed his case and might be the reason it gets dismissed and I’m terrified. I know, it’s stupid but I can’t stop panicking about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finally looked at Gil who was still silent and although usually she could tolerate silence, this time it was killing her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, it definitely was the right thing to do. Ainsley is Bright’s baby sister and he’s spent his whole life trying to protect her; she matters so much to him and yet when it came down to it, he still couldn’t protect her from that raging bastard, Endicott and that isn’t fair. Not to mention that the D.A.’s office literally disobeyed the rules of the court and—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did the right thing, Dani.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he cut off her rambling she felt all the tension she had been holding for the last few days rush out of her all at once like someone had popped a massive balloon she didn’t realize had been growing inside her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides, we both know McConnell’s a dick so if he’s more dickish to you after this, that’s on him,” that startled a laugh out of her and she saw him smile, “but seriously, I’m proud of you kid, you did a good thing. Withholding evidence from discovery is a low blow, even for him, so I’m glad you caught it and you did something about it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Her breath came out of her in a rush, “I mean, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>promised</span>
  </em>
  <span> Bright I wouldn’t let them railroad his sister and I can’t…I </span>
  <em>
    <span>won’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> break that promise to him. ”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil raised a brow and gave her a sly smile as Dani processed what she had said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I— I obviously didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> do it because of…I mean it wasn’t like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gil. It’s just…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, kid. This time around the right thing to do and the thing that could help the person you care about is the same thing.”  She felt her face begin to flush but before she could even think about replying to all of that, Gil chuckled and his smile spread across his face. “Honestly, I think Jessica’s lawyers might start popping champagne when they hear that one, you’re gonna be the one who saves Ainsley from what could’ve been a long long time away and that family from another round of public shaming. Jess’ gonna cry, Ainsley’s gonna cry, and I swear, Bright’ll love you forever, more than he does alr—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, they </span>
  <em>
    <span>cannot</span>
  </em>
  <span> know about this. I already asked Judge Rossetti to strike my name from the public record and I am asking you not to tell anyone that I did this, okay? Not Ainsley, not Jessica, not JT or Edrisa, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>especially</span>
  </em>
  <span> not Malcolm. I don’t want you to tell them, any of them, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil sighed, “Daniela Angeline Powell, why on earth would you want that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pointedly rolled her eyes, it was at times like this when he full named her that Gil really fell into the role of disapproving parent incredibly well, and took a long sip of tea. As she tapped her nails on the ceramic of the mug and listened to their rhythmic clinks she mulled over his question. Why wouldn’t she want Bright to know? It was like she knew she would hate the outcome but she couldn’t put her finger on the why until her mouth was moving before her brain had finished processing the thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because, if he knew, he’d profile me into finding some hidden meaning as to why I did what I did and end up making something where there’s nothing and I’d end up wanting to forgive him for…everything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Gil tilt his head in confusion, “Would that be the worst thing in the world?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed heavily and scrubbed a hand over her face, “Right now? Yes it would.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The few weeks had been so exhausting and she felt so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> alone but, “I’m still furious with him and with myself. I still haven’t processed everything that’s happened and everything I’m feeling and I still need time, Gil, time I </span>
  <em>
    <span>won’t get</span>
  </em>
  <span> if he finds out what I did. The moment that happens, he’ll turn those ridiculously blue puppy eyes on me and…I mean, it’s obscene they should be illegal, but I’ll just…</span>
  <em>
    <span>ugh!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> She growled in frustration.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, okay.” She looked up to see Gil nodding his head like a puzzle piece had clicked into place, “You can’t forgive him because if you forgive him you’re letting him back in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani nodded and dropped her head into her hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so afraid because once I forgive him, what if we pick up right where we left off?” Dani could feel her already muffled voice getting smaller and smaller, “What if he takes up the same space in my life as he did three weeks ago but without any secrets? I don’t know what happens then and I don’t think I can risk it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil seemed to consider that and for a little while the two of them sat in silence until he gently broke through the low din of the shop, “Isn’t it worth it for him though? He’s your best friend and I know you’re his. I mean come on Dani, the kid adores you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her mouth fell open and against her will she felt the telltale burn of tears behind her eyes, “Yeah, and that’s what I’m afraid of. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> why he can’t know. Why he can never know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh Dani,” Gil’s voice sounded impossibly sad, “you know you—” His phone buzzed from where it lay next to his coffee, he checked it quickly and looked back up at her, “That’ll be Jess, I have to go, I promised I’d have lunch with her and Malcolm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if they ask about where you were?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani,” she fixed him with a glare but he just rolled his eyes, “I was having coffee with you. They don’t need to know what about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani huffed in annoyance. She knew it was hypocritical of her but in this one instance, she’d rather Gil lie about their coffee because she just knew Bright and his mother would grill him about whatever it was they had talked about and while she knew Gil wouldn’t give her up intentionally, she worried Bright would pick up on something himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, she reneged, “Just be careful with Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I will.” He gathered up his trash but before getting up to leave he observed her for a moment, looking for something, she just didn’t know what. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But Dani? Please remember that this doesn’t have to end with you avoiding him for the rest of your life because you’re scared of what happens once you begin trusting him again. Just because everything is broken now doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed better than before, ok kid? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both knew she didn’t believe a word of what he had just said, but thankfully Gil didn’t call her on it, just gave her a wave and left to head uptown to the Whitly manor. Dani checked her phone to make sure no one needed anything from her and, upon seeing the absence of any notifications from the station, decided to drive home before anyone could ask anything of her on her day off. She knew herself well enough to know that the only way to get all the anxiety she felt about tomorrow’s meeting was to tire herself out with a long run through Riverside Park so she’d face the humidity after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She checked her watch, it was only 11:50 AM.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Judge Rossetti said the meeting wouldn’t be called until tomorrow afternoon so she had over a day to stress about everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was going to have to go on a very </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> long run.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i am not a lawyer, all the legal info in this chapter comes from what i remember from my intro law class in undergrad and the internet. if i screwed something up my sincerest apologies.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 'til then i should just try not to miss anymore appointments</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>malcolm finally (fucking FINALLY) goes to therapy</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>appropriately the song is still "appointments" by julien baker which is perhaps a little on the nose but i simply do not care and hopefully you don't either</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“suggest that i talk to somebody again // that knows how to help me get better // ‘til then i should just try not to miss anymore appointments”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>appointments, julien baker</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, you witnessed your sister murder someone then spent five months covering it up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d always appreciated that Dr. Le Deux got straight to the point. They had a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lot</span>
  </em>
  <span> to talk about and a little under an hour to do it. Malcolm chuckled awkwardly and picked up the Paddington Bear that he always fussed with during his sessions as he tried to figure out how to respond to that. He took a deep breath and willed himself to remain calm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. Yes I did. I watched Ainsley snap and kill a man named Nicholas Endicott then immediately go into a dissociative state completely unaware of what she had done. But Endicott was a horrible man and prior to Ainsley killing him, she spent some stretch of time with him, during which he threatened our family, psychologically torturing her. She— she was crying when I got to the house.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He noticed his hand beginning to tremble, clenching it into a fist, he continued, “She was terrified, Gabrielle. I held a gun on him but I…I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill him. But then Ainsley…” his voice broke, “Ainsley slit his throat and stabbed him repeatedly and there was so much blood and I just…I needed to protect her, you have to understand I </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to protect her Gabrielle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They sat there for a long while as Dr. Le Deux oscillated between trying to absorb all the information he had just given her and making short notes on the legal pad lying in her lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, covering up a murder was the wrong thing to do but I can’t say I’m surprised that that was your first instinct.” Her voice was even and held less judgement than he thought. He looked at her, bewildered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm, you’ve always been incredibly protective of Ainsley and it’s completely understandable given your history. Ever since you were young, you’ve wanted to shield her from the evils of the world and of your father and even if you didn’t realize it, you willingly took on the mantle of being The Surgeon’s son so that Ainsley wouldn’t be labeled as his daughter. You did it so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the pain you went through as a young person and that carried over into adulthood.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The word came out in a whisper and he cleared his throat quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I just, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> it wasn’t the right thing to do but it almost felt like having tunnel vision. I couldn’t see another way even though logically I knew there were other ways to handle the situation.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I can’t imagine how…overwhelming this all was. I know it was a large part of our sessions when you were younger, but we haven’t recently spoken about strategies for processing intense emotions when you get overwhelmed.” She must’ve seen the way his eyes widened, he’d never liked discussing what it felt like when he got overwhelmed, because she chuckled softly. “Don’t worry, we won’t spend too long on this, I just wanted to remind you of the solution that helped you when you were younger. Do you remember it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt himself relax; this he could do, he remembered this like the back of his hand even if he didn’t always employ the strategy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Instead of trying to process every thought and emotion all at once, go through and separate everything out one by one; take what’s jumbled and make it into a line, almost like untangling a ball of yarn, starting at the beginning and laying out the feelings like a timeline.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Precisely.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She remained perched in her chair, waiting for him to direct the conversation again and in the silence that followed he struggled with what he wanted to say next. He knew he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell her about what happened with his father and the conversation that they had but he really didn’t want to. Bringing up Dr. Whitly during sessions was a surefire way to get him to clam up but he also knew he didn’t really have anyone else he could talk to about this so he bit the metaphorical bullet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gabrielle, after I— I mean right after </span>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <span> happened I—” He tried to even out his breathing. He wanted to get this out and if possible he wanted to do it without spiraling into a panic attack. “After I saw Ainsley…you know…” he gestured vaguely and thankfully she just nodded, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“he</span>
  </em>
  <span> called me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm didn’t even bother looking to see her reaction, opting to close his eyes so he could have a fighting chance of getting through this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“He</span>
  </em>
  <span> called me and for whatever reason I picked up and I— I told him what she did and—” he felt himself getting choked up, “and after I told him, he called her </span>
  <em>
    <span>my girl</span>
  </em>
  <span> and he was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>proud</span>
  </em>
  <span> and…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel his blood roaring in his ears, his heart pounding, and his vision blurring around the edges and he knew if he didn't get a handle on his emotions now, this would escalate into a fully-blown panic attack which he really didn't want. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but he was certain that Dr. Le Deux had said his name several times before he finally was able to focus back on her and look up the next time she spoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm, you back with me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded and gave a small sound of agreement, trying to collect himself as Gabrielle waited patiently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm, we’re not going to talk about this any more today if you don’t want to because I know how hard that must have been for you to say. Before we move forward however,” he involuntarily tensed again, “I need you to know that you are not to blame for the sick pleasure your father derived from this event nor does the way you reacted make you like him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went to refute her before she continued, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> you made a mistake but you’ve acknowledged that and you feel guilt and remorse. We also have to acknowledge that you did this because you love your sister and because in that moment you were experiencing one of our most ingrained primal emotions, the urge to protect the ones you love. I think if this were a case, you’d profile it the same way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm didn’t even realize he was crying until Dr. Le Deux handed him a box of tissues and a small trash can. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that. It had always been hard to get Dr. Whitly’s voice out of his head so hearing her appeal to the rational part of his brain helped him put some of his anxieties to rest. They both knew there was still work to be done but for today, this was enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But like I said, unless you want to, we don’t have to discuss this anymore today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to.” The answer shot out of him causing Dr. Le Deux to smile a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. Turning back to the present, I’m glad that things seem to have worked out better than I assume you or your family expected.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed shortly, “That’s certainly one way of putting it. We were…unbelievably lucky. An anonymous source went to the judge to notify her that the prosecution buried key testimony so Mother’s lawyers were able to force the Assistant District Attorney into a plea deal. Ainsley is in Bellevue getting the help she needs while staying in a spacious private room in the Milton wing and the prosecution was so thoroughly humiliated by the plea deal that they didn’t even bother charging Mother and I. Whomever that source was saved us but had their name expunged from the record. It’s very curious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is, but your family has been through so much Malcolm, I think you’re overdue for a bit of luck.” Dr. Le Deux smiled at him and he felt himself give a small grin in return. “We’ve already acknowledged how difficult the last few months have been but how are you doing today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He folded his legs into the chair and toyed with the Paddington Bear as he figured out how to best tackle that question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Today I’m…strangely optimistic.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He searched his therapist’s face for any sign that she had something to say but she merely gestured that he continue. “Everything with the lawyers was finally squared away a few days ago, this morning Mother and I dropped Ainsley off at the hospital, and we’re having dinner with Gil later tonight. It’s been almost a month since all of this started but today feels like the first day that things feel…settled? I guess? I— I can’t think of a better word.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gabrielle nodded, jotting down a few things before looking at him intently, considering her next question. “I’m sure Lieutenant Arroyo was none too pleased with how this situation was handled. How are you feeling about the dinner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still a bit anxious around Gil but I am really happy that he’s back in our lives. There was about a two-week span where he didn’t speak to either of us and it was really hard then one day he showed up at my loft with takeout. We ate then talked for a while and it was definitely rough. He was and still is rightfully upset with me and we definitely still have things to work through, but I think we’re back on solid ground or at least getting back to it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, I’m glad to hear it, I know how close you two are. How about the rest of your team?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well Edrisa was pretty upset when she learned but she was also the first to forgive me. Actually, about a week after Ainsley and I were arrested, she mailed me a mug that she made.” He smiled as he thought about the sweet gift, “It has little parakeets on it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gabrielle looked at him, confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Edrisa’s partner owns a ceramics shop in Greenwich Village and all the pieces are homemade, ever since they started seeing each other she’s been gifting us mugs or plates or other little things that the two of them have made.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That brought a smile out of Dr. Le Deux, “Well I’m glad that Dr. Tanaka came around so quickly and you have her to support you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Malcolm felt his smile grow, “and apparently her and JT have been pushing to allow me to come back to work, which is </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> exciting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Tarmel?” She said, surprised, “I know you haven't always been on the best terms so how are you feeling about that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s definitely strange. Edrisa forgave me quickly which I expected, but having JT and his wife tell me that if I needed anything to call and ask was unexpected and it felt really…good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Tarmel and his wife recently had a baby, correct?” Malcolm nodded. “Well, as I mentioned before, we all have that instinct to protect the people in our lives whom we love, especially our families, as new parents, Detective Tarmel and his wife have recently had that instinct kicked into overdrive. He understands, perhaps the most of all your colleagues, why you did what you did for your sister.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh, I guess…I was so surprised with how he reacted that that didn’t even occur to me. There have been a lot of things that were overwhelming over the last five months but knowing that Gil and Edrisa and JT aren’t going anywhere was the first time in a long time that being overwhelmed wasn’t this anxiety-inducing, terrifying thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad to hear it, they all clearly care about you a lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I suppose they do.” He felt a smile taking over his face as he fiddled with Paddington’s hat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” the way she dragged out that one word gave him a hint to where they were going next and was not looking forward to it, “we’ve discussed Detective Tarmel and his wife, Dr. Tanaka, Lieutenant Arroyo, we’ve touched on your mother and Ainsley, and we’ve even discussed your father, who you notoriously try to avoid during sessions, so Malcolm, are you ready to stop beating around the bush?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gabrielle, I don’t…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Powell? Dani? The one person whose name you've avoided even bringing up even when she should be present in the conversations surrounding your work and friends, especially since in the past you've told me that you're best friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm hesitated before speaking, the tips of his ears turning a light pink. She was right, he was avoiding talking about Dani but it was just…he didn’t know how to talk about her without reopening the wound he had been trying to stitch up since that night she confronted and arrested him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, maybe I </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> been avoiding talking about her but it’s because it feels really painful but in a way I don’t completely understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How so?” She asked and fixed him with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>look.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He really hated when she did that. Whenever Dr. Le Deux knew there was something he needed to talk about that he really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t want to talk about she would give him that </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> and he’d crack. It had worked ever since he had started seeing her as a frightened ten-year-old and, as annoying as it was, it was working now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hurt her, a lot.” He took a deep breath and continued. He had to get this out and there was no stopping now. “Dani has this thing about trust. It isn’t something she gives lightly and for the last few months before all this came out she knew I was hiding something and she asked time and again what was wrong and if I wanted to talk and reminded me that she was there for me then” he ducked his head, mortified, “she was the one that found all the evidence and arrested me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finally looked up at Gabrielle, and noticed that her usually unflappable demeanor had cracked and she looked taken aback. He winced slightly but knew he had to keep going, no matter how much he wanted to grab the blanket on her couch and curl under it for the foreseeable future.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh don’t worry, it gets worse. I um, I may have asked her to be the officer-in-charge on both Ainsley and my case. She almost had to testify on the stand against us. When she interviewed me she—” he felt his breath catch and tears starting to burn behind his eyes, “she told me that she wished she could take everything back. She wished she had never trusted me in the first place and it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. She hasn’t spoken to me since and I’m not sure if she ever intends to speak with me again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm.” Gabrielle looked and sounded so disappointed in him. That was something he rarely saw from her before though he supposed it made sense but now, seeing her disappointed in him like this, the full weight of what he’d done hit him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, what I don’t understand is why it hurts like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I know what I did was selfish, so incredibly selfish, but still…I don’t understand why it hurts like</span>
  <em>
    <span> this.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He knew he was repeating himself again and again but he couldn’t find other words to describe what he was feeling. It was just…sad and painful and </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> intense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gabrielle just huffed out a laugh and shook her head, considering her next words, “Malcolm, it’s different because you love her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That stopped him dead in his tracks. He…what?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N—no, no, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I don’t…” Malcolm felt his breath catch in his chest before his heart kicked into overdrive. He couldn’t love her, that would be ridiculous, “I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lifted an eyebrow and continued, “We’ll circle back to your suspiciously vehement rejection later but Malcolm, you do love her. As a society we often forget that platonic love exists and is an important part of the human experience. We’ve devalued it so much over time that it seems like a ridiculous thing to say but it is true.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear himself let out a sigh of relief but, based on the pursed lips and narrowed eyes Gabrielle gave him and the quick note she made on her pad, they wouldn't be done with </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> particular line of questioning if she had her way.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm, the platonic friendships we have throughout our lives can be some of the most deep and meaningful relationships we have but you’re out of practice with platonic love and heartbreak. You’ve never had your heart broken by anyone who wasn’t basically family, by someone who hasn’t been in your life for a very long time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was about to interrupt but she raised her hand, stopping him, “I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> saying it doesn’t hurt when your mother, or Ainsley, or Lieutenant Arroyo does something that hurts you, what I’m saying is that if they hurt you, you can compare it to something because you’ve experienced it before and have the means to emotionally contextualize it. Because you’ve never had </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani</span>
  </em>
  <span> break your heart before you have no frame of reference, nothing to compare it to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Huh. That…actually made a lot of sense. But, there was one thing he </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> take issue with though, “That isn’t heartbreak though, I’m acquainted with heartbreak, trust me, my last girlfriend broke up with me via voicemail then was found murdered. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> heartbreak, not this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched as she suppressed the small smile that flitted across her face before she spoke, “Okay, so you’re equating heartbreak with romantic relationships which is a mistake many of us make but I want you to remember that heartbreak isn’t exclusively romantic pain. Heartbreak is grief or anguish of any type; we can be heartbroken when a friend or family member passes, when someone lets you down or in your case, when someone is so upset with you that they shut you out entirely.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He absently tapped his fingers together while he processed her words. It made sense, but something still nagged at the back of his mind and seemed off. She was right, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> out of practice with platonic love, but even though she’d explained the concept, something about the phrase itself didn’t fit. He really didn’t want to ruminate on that too long so it was a relief when Dr. Le Deux started speaking again, pulling him from his wandering mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“However, I think this brings us back to something that came up earlier, your rejection of the idea of platonic love, particularly when it comes in the form of your partner. Now—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before she could continue they both noticed the little red light by her door go off which meant that it was time for her next patient. He let out a sigh of relief as he gathered his things and she packed her notes from their session up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm, don’t think we won’t continue this conversation in your next appointment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes, “I’d expect nothing less. Thank you Gabrielle, see you next week.” He left quickly, grabbing a couple of lollipops on his way out, an uncharacteristic spring in his step. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the slight exception of the last five minutes, this session felt like it had been really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>truly</span>
  </em>
  <span> productive. Not that his appointments with Dr. Le Deux weren’t usually, but for the first time in months he felt like the torrent of thoughts and emotions and feelings that had been raging inside him came to a rest. He was so caught up in his musings that he almost didn’t notice Gil leaning against his new Le Mans in the parking lot. He tried to remember if they had made plans before dinner but came up with nothing and continued to approach the car with a quizzical expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay, kid? Your session went okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah it was really good…enlightening, even.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could tell Gil was curious but wouldn’t push him further. Thank god because he probably would’ve ended up blurting out something to the effect of “is it normal to panic when someone tells me that I love my best friend?” and that simply would not fly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, I thought we were doing dinner later this evening, what are you doing here? Is everything okay with Mother?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes and yes. I actually came bearing good news, you’re allowed to come back to work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Everything seemed to stop for a moment before he felt a rush of true happiness spreading through his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re back on the team kid. Next case we have, you’ll be my first call.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time in a while Malcolm felt…light; his smile didn’t feel forced and his happiness didn’t come with strings attached. He could feel himself beaming as Gil wrapped him up in a hug and he laughed in slight disbelief. He was allowed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stay.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe not </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> was okay right now, but it would be; Ainsley was getting the help she needed, him and his mother were spending more time together that didn’t include quite frankly obscene amounts of alcohol or other barbiturates, Gil had forgiven him, his team had (mostly) forgiven him, and he was going back to work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Things were going to be okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew it would probably take longer than he wanted it to and that it would require some work, but as he got into Gil’s car and heard the engine roar, he knew that everything wouldn’t just be okay, but better than it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1. i was rewatching 120 and noticed that Ainsley is in fact not wearing that amazing checkered blazer when she kills Endicott but since the key piece of evidence tying her to his murder in this story is the blazer just imagine she's wearing one in that scene.</p><p>2. this is the end of what my brain thinks of as "part one" of this fic, the chapter 7 picks up three months later and should (fingers crossed) be out on monday. hopefully y'all are enjoying this so far &amp; continue to stick around for the ride!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. didn't know if you'd care if i came back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>three months later, the morning of dani's first day back with major crimes</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>listen malcolm &amp; JT's friendship means a LOT to me and i am of the strong belief that their entire vibe is "older sibling with a weird younger sibling that only he can make fun of bc if someone else does it, they're getting their ass beat." </p><p>the lyrics for this chapter come from "this is me trying" by taylor swift bc honestly, brightwell x ts is the meta-ship we don't deserve but have nonetheless.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“i didn’t know if you’d care if i came back // i have a lot of regrets about that”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>this is me trying, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It felt appropriate that as Dani got off the train and walked out of the subway she was hit with a wall of ice cold November rain. Her first day back with Major Crimes in three months, and she starts it by running down the street trying to avoid a storm that had certainly </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> been predicted in today’s forecast. Of course because every storm made the already terrible NYC traffic truly hellish, the extra time she built into her morning commute was the only thing keeping her from being late. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This day was already going just </span>
  <em>
    <span>wonderfully.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She could feel the banker’s box in her arms turning to mush, her hair losing shape, and her leather jacket about ten seconds away from being ruined when a large black umbrella appeared above her. She looked up to thank the whomever had just saved her from the rain and met wide, pale blue eyes that took on an almost gray tint, mirroring the clouds above. Malcolm Bright. Of course their perennially tardy profiler and the one person she was hoping to avoid for at least a few hours chose today to be on time. Just her luck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A beat of silence passed between them before she gave him a small, awkward smile in thanks and continued walking towards the precinct at a brisk pace that almost forced him to run after her so they’d both stay dry. Never one to be deterred, he kept pace with her and somehow got to the precinct door first, holding it open for her. Out of the corner of her eye Dani caught him trying to catalogue her movements, searching her face for some clue of how she was feeling and what was running through her mind. She scoffed, he was trying to profile her. It seemed that they were truly back to square one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took Gil all of thirty seconds to call her into his office so she unceremoniously dropped her box on the ground, shed her soaking wet jacket, and without a second glance at Bright, made her way in, letting the door slam shut behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You ready to be back, Powell?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed and sunk into one of the chairs in front of Gil’s desk, “You want the honest answer?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil rolled his eyes, “I’d prefer it, yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no clue.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She steeled herself before she continued, “I know if Special Victims had offered me a permanent position I would’ve taken it, no hesitation. I love you guys and I missed you but I—” she glanced out of the office window at Bright who was seemingly immersed in a case file before turning back, “Gil, I still don’t know how to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> around him. I literally ran into him coming in about a minute ago and it was like everything stopped for a second before I felt like I needed to run as far and fast as I could in the other direction. I’m going to try and do what you asked and not spend the rest of my life avoiding him and I’m going to try and build some sort of trust again but I just don't know how and…I’m scared.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice tapered off and she could feel tears beginning to burn in her eyes and began furiously blinking them back because dammit he should not still be affecting her this much but Gil caught it and looked at her sympathetically, his voice low and comforting. “Okay, I’ll pair you with JT or I until you feel like you can trust Bright again. I know this is hard Dani, but if anyone deserves the chance to earn your trust back, it’s him. The kid’s been wandering around like a lost puppy for the last three months and I swear his eyes lit up like Christmas when I told him you were coming back. He cares about you and he wants to put in the work. You know since you left he hasn’t stopped following leads on his own but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span> been calling for backup and more importantly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>waiting</span>
  </em>
  <span> for backup on most of the things he runs down?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That caught Dani’s attention, Bright never called for backup but when he did, he always called her then ended up going in alone regardless of whether she made it there or not. He was naturally reckless and consistently showed little regard for his own well-being so… “Why now? What changed? He wouldn’t start doing that without a reason, we both know that.” Then it clicked and her mouth fell into a perfect ‘O,’ “Eight months ago he almost lost you, then he lost Ainsley twice, once when she killed Endicott and again when she got put away for it, since May, JT’s been in and out with baby stuff, and on top of all that I left too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, but she continued, “People have been so transient for so much of his life and when he found people who cared about him, who worried about him, who wanted him around they left too. Sure, circumstances forced most of them out of his life and that hurt, but he could deal with that or at least cope with that, then, on top of it all, I chose to walk away. He hurt me but I hurt him right back and he’s still dealing with that, isn’t he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil hung his head, “Got it in one. He’ll never admit it, but I think that’s another reason JT was willing to forgive him more quickly than either of us expected,” he chuckled, “besides, Tally loves him and Junior took a real shine to him, so I think it's safe to say that he’s gone completely soft.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Gil’s phone started buzzing on his desk, “Well, it looks like we have a case, I need to know if you’re really back or not, Powell. So what’s it gonna be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani sighed and pushed out of her chair, hesitating for a second before she spoke, her voice coming out far braver than she felt, “Yeah, I’m back. Let’s go, I’ll ride with JT.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil left the office first, rounding up the team as she took a minute to pull out her spare umbrella from her desk and take a few deep breaths before heading out the door, falling into step with JT as they made their way through the rain to his car.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While she was trying to dry out her hair, JT climbed in and started the car, “Hey stranger, nice of you to join us.” JT’s tone was teasing but Dani could see that he was tense and if she didn’t know any better she’d think he was nervous which, that definitely made no sense. The car rolled to a stop at a traffic light and he took the opportunity to look at her, his voice interrupting her train of thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, I need to know, you back for good?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice was strangely serious, it unsettled her, so she rolled her eyes and slyly replied, “Gil just asked me that too, am I that irreplaceable?” JT’s face remained impassive so she tried to lighten her tone a bit, “I mean, c’mon, there’s no way that you couldn’t handle all those cases without my help. I’m good but I’m not invaluable, JT. Besides, you were left with a perfectly capable replacement, I’m sure aside from some Bright-induced shenanigans everything went just fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The light turned and Dani thought she saw JT grit his teeth, he was quiet as they pulled up to the crime scene, a posh apartment building in Lenox Hill, and just before she turned to get out of the car, he caught her elbow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, I don’t know how you think we dealt with your…” he hesitated, “absence here at the precinct, but it wasn’t fun. Gil, Edrisa, and I missed you even though we still heard from you but Bright, he tried to hide it, but he was miserable. Don’t treat this like us picking up where we left off before shit hit the fan. You left and stayed gone for three whole months and it was hard on all of us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy you’re back with us, but don’t lose sight of the fact that you made the choice to go with barely any warning to us and literally none to him and that was a shitty thing to do. So just tread lightly with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got out of the car without another word and made his way to the building without a glance back. Dani froze a minute, processing everything she had just heard. Since when were JT and Bright so buddy buddy? Don’t get her wrong she was thrilled that they were becoming friends but she didn’t expect it to happen in such a relatively short amount of time. It seemed like more had changed than she’d expected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mentally shaking herself, she hopped out of the car and followed one of Edrisa’s assistants up into the building. The scene was brutal, the apartment looked like it had been trashed by an intruder and further down the hall, she saw a woman lying prone, eyes wide open in terror, blood pooled around her abdomen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil looked down at her, a frown on his face, “This is Angelica Carter, 31, she was a lawyer at the New York Civil Liberties Union. A call came into a 9-1-1 operator about an hour ago but when she picked up she heard what sounded like a woman very softly crying. When they couldn’t get any info from the caller, they traced it to this building, and sent some officers over. The officers gave the phone number to the building manager; he recognized it as Carter’s and when they came to check on her, they found this. Edrisa, thoughts?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, cause of death is massive blood loss likely inflicted by this knife.” The M.E. pointed to the long knife protruding from the vic’s back, “She was given a superficial cut on her right arm, stabbed multiple times in the torso from the front, and finally once in the back between her fourth and fifth ribs, directly into her heart where the knife is now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil tilted his head slightly, “I know that’s a lot of blood Edrisa but how is the stab to the heart not C.O.D.?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See the drag marks here? You can see from the way her arms and legs are positioned it looks like she crawled across the room and,” Dani saw JT wrinkle his nose as Edrisa gently rolled the body onto her side, “you can see she’s holding her phone. It’s how she was able to call 9-1-1. Once we get her back to the morgue, I can tell you more but for now, well I’m no Bright but even I can tell that this is massive overkill.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They glanced over at the man in question who nodded in confirmation, eyes darting from the body to the scene, somehow seeming to take everything in while listening to every detail. This was the part she had missed, watching Bright absorb a crime scene then break it down to bare bones in minutes, she knew she should be taking in the details along with the others but she gave herself a moment to remember how much she had missed working with him on a purely professional level.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Focusing back on the scene, Dani wandered into the victim’s bedroom which seemed to be the killer’s point of entry given the broken glass on the floor beneath the window. The room looked like it was usually very organized though, even in the aftermath of what looked like a break in, it didn’t look too bad and </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> got her attention. There were a few drawers of clothes strewn across the floor and her nightstand and lamp were knocked over but other than that there wasn’t much else to speak of, the only thing that </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> looked like it had been gone through was her jewelry tree where a few necklace and some rings seemed to be missing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She jotted some observations on the small notebook she kept on her at scenes and waved some crime techs over to take close ups before returning to the body where Edrisa was speaking with Bright and Gil. Upon seeing her arrive, Gil called over to JT who came out of the kitchen then nodded to Bright.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, like Edrisa said before, this is definitely overkill. The wound in her arm probably surprised her after which point he stabbed her an indeterminate amount of times then it </span>
  <em>
    <span>looks</span>
  </em>
  <span> like he ransacked her apartment then finally stabbed her once between the fourth and fifth ribs, hitting her in the heart. I’m not sure if the final stab wound came before or after the call to the police, we’ll have to listen to the recording for that, but no matter what this was not a quick death. It was a painful and bloody death and the fact that he left her to watch as he destroyed her apartment before the killing blow points to a cruel killer who physically and psychologically tortured his victim before stabbing her in the back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hold up, you said ‘looks like he ransacked the apartment,’ so you don’t think it was a robbery gone wrong? I mean kid, look at the place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Gil, the break was almost certainly staged. Everything looks like it was hastily and randomly knocked over and so far I haven’t found anything missing in here and I’m guessing you didn’t find anything gone from the kitchen, right JT?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So we still have to check the bedroom but—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I—” she interrupted awkwardly and she felt his intense gaze, “I was just back there and I noticed that a few necklaces and some rings seemed to be missing but other than that it seems like it was performatively ransacked too,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh, interesting…” Bright trailed off, seeming to get lost in his mind for a second, “I think something about this was personal for the killer if he took trophies but made an effort to disguise it. I’d bet that they either knew each other </span>
  <em>
    <span>or</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was stalking her. Thanks for picking that up Dani.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up and met her eyes. Dani felt like she was drowning and for the second time that morning everything felt like it had simply stopped for a moment, but this time it only started again after she heard his breath catch. Her heart stuttered for a second before beginning to race.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Okay, so maybe she wasn’t as ready as she thought.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so you'll learn about dani's time at the SVU (special victims unit -- yes it exists outside of law &amp; order) as we go on but essentially, she was gone from august-october/early november and working in a brooklyn precinct</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>we get a lil deeper into the case, malcolm has some flashbacks, and some things get intense</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>once again it's this is me trying, by taylor swift</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“it’s hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>this is me trying, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Malcolm was starting to get frustrated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil was making calls in his office while he, JT, and Dani were in the conference room, combing through Angelica Carter’s life to find anyone who might’ve had the motive to kill her but it seemed like the more they shared leads and tried to narrow down a suspect list, the less clear it was becoming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew he should have a laser-like focus on the case right now but he couldn’t help his mind from returning to the interactions the he and Dani had had since she had come back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything felt awkward and stunted which was to be expected, but there had also been a few times where things had felt like they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>before.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She’d bring up a theory that had been on the tip of his tongue or one would complete the other’s thought and for a second their eyes would meet and spark and he felt like they were about to slip back into the banter he’d missed so much. But then, something would pull them out of that moment and they’d go back to averted eyes and indirect avoidance, shoving whatever had just happened under the rug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He desperately wanted to regain her friendship and her trust and he was determined to try but he knew it would take a long time and unfortunately patience had never </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> been Malcolm’s strongest suit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was practically vibrating with excitement. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The skies were clear, it was a crisp, autumn day, and Malcolm had a murder. As he wandered down the path, he could see the scene cordoned off and Gil, JT, and Edrisa in the distance, gathered around what he assumed was the body. Taking in the surrounding area, there was one figure notably missing, the same detective who had been ignoring him for the last month, not that he blamed her. Yes, he had hurt all of them by covering for Ainsley and lying about Endicott but Dani, well, it was different with her. She was his best friend, they spent lunch breaks walking an extra three blocks to get tea from the really nice shop where she would always make sure he got a slice of chocolate chip banana bread with his drink, they debated about books and music in the conference room when it got late and the case board got too depressing, she always had a pack of twizzlers in her desk drawer, she drove him home most nights when they left the precinct, and she took care of him time and time again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Also, if his subconscious mind was to be believed, he was probably in love with her, but that was something to unpack later, after she had accepted the steaming cup of French Earl Gray he bought from their shop, the lemon-lime lollipop he had from seeing Dr. Le Deux this morning, and the very, very long apology that he would almost certainly awkwardly stumble through. But none of that would be set in motion unless he could find her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But before he could continue his search Gil saw him, squeezed his shoulder, and greeted him with a smile, “Welcome back, kid! Hey Edrisa, we can start.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, Bright! It’s great to have y—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wait, where’s Dani?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Everyone went silent and it was at this point when everyone seemed to pick up on the fact that he had two to-go cups in his hands both of which clearly had two teabags peeking out from the lid. Edrisa chewed on her lip and pretended to observe the body, JT stared at his shoes, and Gil looked at him sympathetically. His face fell, he could see on their faces what was coming and he felt his tremor start up, causing the cup holding Dani’s tea to tremble. JT grabbed the cup before it could splash all over his hand, giving him a nasty burn, and looked at Gil who nodded then turned back to Malcolm.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry kid, we thought she might’ve told you. Dani’s temporarily stationed with the SVU at the 77th over in Brooklyn, she’ll be with them for two or three months before coming back with us.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh.” His heart dropped into the floor.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His first case back hadn’t been a hard one, neither were the ones in the few weeks after it, and so he remembered spending that first month missing her like a phantom limb. Eventually though, the cases picked up and Dani’s absence became a dull ache, another thing to think about when the world outside got too quiet, an actress in the horror movie theater of his mind. The worst though, was the first time he visited his father after the trial.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Navigating the labyrinthine hallways of Claremont to make it to his father’s cell always made him feel a bit like Theseus facing his own personal minotaur. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was unusually quiet today or perhaps, the residents were enjoying the heat of late August. He burned incredibly easily and tried to avoid the beach at all costs but today, he would’ve taken it rather than seeing his father again. He hadn’t seen Dr. Whitly in almost two months, their last visit on the very morning they had a “family meeting” to discuss how to tell Ainsley what had happened before he’d taken a tumble down an elevator shaft and woken up in a dream. A dream that he’d chosen to bury deep in the recesses of his mind, a dream that he really shouldn’t have on his mind before going to speak to the master manipulator that was his father. He’d pick it up in a heartbeat and that </span>
  </em>
  <span>that</span>
  <em>
    <span> was simply unacceptable.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Malcolm barely noticed that he was steadily approaching the door to his father’s cell until Mr. David welcomed him, snapping him back into the present. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“My boy! Oh it’s been too long.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dr. Whitly, hello. I have a—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tell me, how’s your sister? I saw the papers and it was all over the TV. Is doing alright over at Bellevue? I know just how restricting psychiatric hospitals can be.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fifteen seconds. Fifteen seconds was how long his father had gone before mentioning Ainsley in that smug, almost theatrical tone of his. He was already regretting this trip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s doing fine. She likes her doctors and is getting excellent individualized treatment and she’s committed to getting better. So, back to the—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“And your mother? How is dear Jessie? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have half your family chained up in the loony bin especially when it’s our wonderful, well-adjusted Ainsley.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Malcolm tuned his father out, determined to keep his face neutral as he felt Dr. Whitly scanning him for tells, wanting to know how far he could be pushed before he’d break. He would not rise to the bait. No, the goal was to answer these questions as succinctly as possible, get to the case, and be out as soon as humanly possible.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Is she still schlepping it with your Lieutenant Arroyo? How is he after his ordeal?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He felt his eyes flash in anger, “Mother is fine, so is Gil. Now, can we get—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Speaking of the Lieutenant, if you’re here with a case that must mean they allowed you back. How’s that feel? I mean you lied to them, manipulated them for months and they still took you back? That's commitment. I mean you’re obviously brilliant, you’re my son, of course you are, but they wouldn’t take you back unless they wanted to so they must really be your friends to trust you again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Against his will he flinched at the word “trust” and going by the little sound of interest his father made, he’d been caught. Putting his “never better shaky hand” into his pocket and trying to subtly control his breathing, he prepared for the barrage of questions and assumptions that he knew might break him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“They don’t all trust you do they? Hmph. Who could it be that won’t let you back in? It couldn’t have been Gil. No, he loves you too much. Loves you like a son.” Dr. Whitly’s face soured as if he’d swallowed a lemon, “If not Gil, could it be TJ? He never really liked you to begin with did he? You were never performatively macho enough for him, were you?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s JT.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sorry, JT, of course. So it wasn’t him. Don’t tell me it was Dr. Tanaka. She seems so earnest and she was so excited to be here and meet me.” He pursed his lips as his father observed him, dissecting his expression, “No it couldn’t be her. But then who else…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He could tell the exact moment the light went off in his head.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh my dear boy, no.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Pity. He heard </span>
  </em>
  <span>pity</span>
  <em>
    <span> in Dr. Whitly’s voice. He was going to be sick. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The case Dr. Whitly, please.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dani? It’s Dani? But she cares about you so much, it’s clear as day. She’s so protective of you and smart too, it seemed so much like you’d met your match, oh my boy I—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The case or I’m leaving.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In an act that could perhaps have been described as compassionate were his father not a literal psychopath, he dropped the issue, but not before reassuring Malcolm that he’d be there for him because “I’ve lost many a friendship in my life, my boy.” Then naturally, proceeding to ask for updates on if the two had mended fences every time he went for a visit. If nothing else could be said for the man, his father was determined and annoyingly so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, he had a sinking feeling that despite it’s seemingly mundane nature, the case in front of him would force him back to Claremont, his father, and the incessant questioning about Ainsley, his mother, Gil, and Dani he’d go through the moment he saw him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hoped against hope that he was wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyone have anything?” Gil asked as he walked into the conference room; at their near-synchronized shaken heads, he frowned and joined JT in going through the victim’s financial records.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>An hour later and they were no closer to anything. The more they dug, the more they found that Angelica Carter was quite simply, uninteresting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She loved her job, her coworkers and supervisors liked her, and the little workplace tensions one would expect seemed to be resolved quickly with no evidence that any of them had escalated into something more. She poured her heart into her work, but made time for the few friends she had and for her parents who lived in White Plains, she lived alone, no pets, nothing amiss, no tiffs with any of her neighbors or the building manager, and even the lawyers she went up against in court liked her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Each theory, each potential suspect had no real motive and a rock solid alibi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shifting his attention from the whiteboard to his team Malcolm could almost see wheels turning in everyone’s minds as Gil tapped the eraser of his pencil on the table, JT incessantly tapped his foot, and Dani, he ran his eyes over her, what Dani was doing made no sense at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm prided himself on knowing most of the tells everyone he worked with had and unless something drastic had changed over the last three months, Dani was frustrated with herself, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> the case. She was doing that thing where she bit her lip and furrowed her brow, pointer finger tapping to a rhythm only she could hear as she surveyed the crime scene photos. The thought that this was an adorable look on her briefly crossed his mind before he remembered when he had seen that same frustration before; it usually made an appearance whenever Dani couldn’t make what she thought was an obvious connection, when something, usually an excellent theory, was pulling at the back of her mind. He knew that this absolutely violated his promise not to profile her and she’d likely be annoyed when she figured out what he was doing but she already wasn’t talking to him, so what more could this do?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, you have something, what is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As expected, when she glanced up at him she narrowed her eyes, “It’s nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her tone was clipped, so…yeah, he had definitely annoyed her but whatever she had definitely wasn’t “nothing” so Malcolm doubled down, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes right back at her. He knew Gil and JT were watching them, glancing back and forth like it was a tennis match, waiting to see who would break first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani sighed and rolled her eyes as she conceded. “This case it’s a complete contradiction. You probably have two profiles, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips and gestured for her to go on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay so option one is a home invasion gone wrong, but if that’s the case, why the overkill? Why stab her through the back into the heart </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> leave the knife in? That screams murder committed by a person in her life. It’s intimate, too intimate to be random. Which leads right into option two, that someone in her life was angry enough to kill her in a way that was violent. Problem is, everyone we interviewed was incredibly candid. Even people who had problems with her said that they had long since been resolved.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched as her shoulders got more tense and she shook her head, seemingly clearing her head so she could continue to follow her train of thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Angie Carter was…boring. I mean, even the deep dive the tech team did on her revealed no hidden secrets. We know she was a workaholic, her coworkers liked and respected her, she had good, solid friendships, and a strong connection with her family. No one in those parts of her life have any motive or the requisite amount of anger so that’s a dead end too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So if it isn’t related to work, friends, or family, you’d think that maybe this was a crime committed by a lover or maybe someone she’d romantically spurned. But, she hadn’t dated seriously in a few years and, according to friends, wasn’t the type to date casually or have random hookups. I mean there weren’t even any dating apps hidden in her phone to suggest otherwise. I even got in touch with her most recent ex-boyfriend from two years ago and they ended on good terms, he was genuinely sad that she was dead. There wasn’t anyone in her life </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> spurn!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She huffed out a breath and slumped in her chair, pushing a stray curl out of her face, “So it’s too intimate to be random but the state of the crime scene contradicts this, makes it seem that it’s too random to be intimate. It’s a paradox but…” she finally met his eyes, “but for whatever reason, it feels familiar and I just don’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> and it’s driving me nuts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this, Malcolm could feel his eyes widen and a smile threaten to overtake his face, Dani was absolutely captivating like this. When they had still been working together, he’d known that given the right training, she could be an excellent profiler and it seemed as though her time with the 77th had helped her develop her skills. If she was merely captivating before, she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>brilliant</span>
  </em>
  <span> in every meaning of the word now. God, he had missed her so damn much and…wait, at the 77th she would’ve been exposed to murders there even if she wasn’t in homicide. Suddenly, a new theory took shape in his mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, is there anyone from the 77th you can call? I know you were with SVU but if you think you saw a similar case, odds are it came from there, especially since that’s the place you’ve been most recently. In fact I’d bet that you either overheard other detectives talking about a case or caught a glimpse of a whiteboard somewhere down there or even more likely, since I know they don’t have a big homicide team, someone came to ask your opinion because you have experience and you’re smart and something about the case stuck with you that you’re just now remembering.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He caught his breath after word vomiting all that out and turned to Gil, “I think Dani’s onto something and I think it’s worth checking to see if this is a pattern of any sort.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room fell silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually when he finished his monologuing, there would be a flurry of movement. Gil would start assigning next steps, JT would sort through files and crime scene photos, handing them off and laying them out across the table, but now…he looked between JT and Gil, expecting one of them to say something but they both seemed to be speechless. So he turned to Dani who was looking at him intently, studying him, looking for an answer, but he had no clue what answer she was looking for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You checked up on me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t a question but he felt the need to answer as if it was one. He felt like he needed to explain himself even though she probably already knew why he did what he did, or at least, he hoped she knew. He hoped she’d figured out that during his first few weeks back he annoyed the team with questions about how she was doing because she was his best friend and still he cared and right now he needed her to understand that she still meant something to him even if the reverse wasn’t true. This was a friendship, a relationship, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>partnership</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he valued too much to let go.</span>
</p><p><span>“Of </span><em><span>course</span></em><span> I did. You were gone when I got back so I asked the team where you were and how you were. I know how upset you were with me, rightfully so, and I didn’t want to reach out and bother you before you were ready so I bothered them instead because I…I missed you so </span><em><span>of</span></em> <em><span>course</span></em><span> I checked up on you. You are…” he felt his breath catch, “were my best friend. How could I not?” </span></p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t look away and it seemed neither could she. It was painfully intimate and what was probably seconds seemed to stretch on into minutes, even the noise of the precinct seemed to fade to the background as he felt himself get utterly lost, drowning and being preserved in the amber of her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, um…” she seemed to mentally shake herself, “let me call Detective Laveau, she works with SVU but has some friends in homicide.” She broke eye contact and picked up the case folder, almost tripping over her own feet as she backed out of the room. “I’ll let you know if I find anything Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, what just happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He blinked several times, trying and failing to process the last few minutes. “I have no idea.” JT and Gil looked unconvinced and he turned to them, “Seriously, I don’t know what just happened. She just…” he opened and closed his mouth a few times, before leaning against the table behind him, “I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> idea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever it was dude, it was intense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t agree more. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>again, melodramatic? perhaps. but this show is constantly a little melodramatic so i feel like it fits the vibe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. it's not gonna feel the way you expected // and it's gonna hurt to figure it out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>we take a trip to the morgue, dani talks to edrisa a bit and jt some more and we get some much needed apologies, the initial profile is delivered and, because i have no chill, there is a version of the ~malcolm calls dani beautiful without realizing it~ scene</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for the uncharacteristically slow update, this chapter was really evading me for a while BUT y’all get some of the edrisa/dani friendship that this show seems so intent on denying us of so hopefully that makes up for it a little.</p><p>the song is “don't let it get to you" by rostam because upon hearing it in 206 the piano melody got super stuck in my head and never quite got out so i went looking and found the full version and quite liked it</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“it’s not gonna feel the way you expected // and it’s gonna hurt to figure it out”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>don’t let it get to you, rostam</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she pushed open the door, Dani found that the morgue was exactly as cold, creepy, and formaldehyde-smelling as she remembered it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was early and she was running late but somehow, she wasn’t the last person there. Edrisa was in her office finishing up what she assumed was a report, JT was on the phone with Tally discussing the woes of teething, and Gil was texting someone, an annoyed look on his face which probably explained where Bright was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She remembered mornings like this. Late autumn, on the cusp of winter just as you’d begin to feel snow flurries on your face when the sky was overcast and wind was blowing hard enough. Oddly enough, this was her favorite time of year. Spring and summer always reminded her of the worst parts of her life: Gil’s stabbing in March, her father’s death in April, her mother’s death and anniversary of her overdose, both in August and now, she supposed, the end of the Endicott affair in July. Sure, autumn and winter were dark and cold but at least they didn’t hold the memories that threatened to drown her every time she thought of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door swung against the wall making a loud clanging noise, startling them all as their missing team member showed up literally fifteen minutes late with Starbucks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning Edrisa!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry I’m late.” He flashed an apologetic glance at Gil before awkwardly setting down a cardboard coffee holder on the unoccupied table behind them, “But, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> have coffee! Black coffee with a dash of honey for JT, cream, three sugars, and two pumps of hazelnut for Gil, the largest caramel macchiato I could find for Edrisa, and for Dani," his voice dropped and he sounded almost shy, "a Russian Earl Gray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt the corners of her lips quirk up as she accepted the drink that, given the different artwork on the cup, came from their tea shop, not the Starbucks around down the street. He had made an effort just for her. She didn’t know what to make of that. As she caught it’s comforting smell and took a sip, her eyes fluttered shut and she felt her shoulders briefly relax. Opening them back up, she saw Bright, his own baby blues wide and curious for her reaction, the hint of a blush high on his cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, it’s wonderful.” Her mouth had moved before her brain even got a chance to process what was happening and she was certain she sported a matching flush.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Gil’s voice broke through the ensuing silence as everyone enjoyed their drinks to warm them up, “while I’m glad you’re doing our part to keep us caffeinated, Edrisa was just about to tell us what she has.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. So your victim, Angelica Carter was in excellent health, likely a runner given her general physique, particularly the definition on her calves and thighs and the condition of her heart. This means she would’ve been hard to subdue, that’s probably where this slash on her right arm and this bruising on her hairline came from. From the shape of the bruise, I’d guess he used the end of the knife to knock her on the head, It isn’t too hard of a blow but it would’ve definitely stunned her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edrisa picked up the knife, presenting it to all of them, “After that, she was stabbed in the torso thirteen times with this knife. These wounds were inflicted hard and fast, each one shoved in her right to the hilt and twisting it as he drew it out; </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> the blade was serrated so it would’ve been agonizing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani scrunched her nose up at that and saw her disgusted mirrored in the other’s faces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know </span>
  <em>
    <span>right,</span>
  </em>
  <span> how gross. Anyway, like I said at the scene, based on the blood pooling, after he inflicted these wounds your killer waited a few minutes before delivering the final blow through her back between the fourth and fifth ribs on her left side puncturing her heart and lung. I mean, it only sped up the inevitable but it definitely would've been agonizing and yet she was still lucid enough to dial her phone, it’s miraculous! The human body is just </span>
  <em>
    <span>fascinating</span>
  </em>
  <span> sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she trailed off, Edrisa’s eyes got that faraway look that Bright’s sometimes had when he got lost, fixated on something only he could see that caused him to fall down into some rabbit hole or another. It was one of the many similarities that reminded her that the two of them were truly kindred spirits in a way and seeing that well…it used to make her feel something akin to jealousy. Not because it was them, but because never in her life could she remember having a friend like that, a kindred spirit, someone who shared all her oddities, a Diana to her Anne as her mother would’ve said, and that, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> was what hurt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the discoloration on these fingers from? I saw one or two on her other hand too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excellent eye Bright! It’s actually bruising from being dislocated. If I had to guess she had something, rings probably, on those fingers that the killer wanted and when she wouldn’t give it up he pried her hand open and yanked them off.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She mimed the actions the killer had taken and for whatever reason, it made Dani’s stomach churn and she couldn’t really tell why. Details like that never really grossed her out but there was something about this case, </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> victim that felt off to her; there were a lot of things she absolutely couldn’t stand, but not knowing something about a case that felt so obvious was definitely somewhere in her top ten.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got something Dani?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil must’ve caught the unusual look on her face so she tucked the expression away and shook her head hoping no one had caught her train of thought. One look at Bright told her she was only mostly successful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, anything else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s all I have for you now but I’ll pop up to see you if I get anything else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil thanked the M.E. as the rest of them made sure they had all their belongings but before Dani could leave she felt a hand on her elbow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Dani, do you have a minute?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked at Gil, confused but he simply nodded and turned to leave, JT and Bright trailing behind him. Right before he left the room, she saw Bright give them a strange glance, trying to take stock of the situation to figure out what the hell was going on. She was confident in her investigative skills but in this moment, she wanted nothing more than to have Bright’s ability to read a person with a single look. Sure, Edrisa didn’t seem to be angry or upset, but being cornered in a morgue for a friendly chat seemed…unlikely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not mad and I get it now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words shot out of Edrisa the moment the door stopped swinging on its hinges and Dani felt her brain screech to a grinding halt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I definitely could see how you think I’d be mad and honestly, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> kinda mad at first but I’m not anymore and I think I get it. Actually, I definitely get it, I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been to leave and come back and I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Edrisa?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rewind. You’re not mad about what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh! About you asking me to run the evidence in the Endicott case.” She said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, that was not the direction she expected this conversation to take but really, what was? After working with her for the better part of two years, Dani should’ve known that the only thing to expect of Edrisa was the unexpected as far as conversations went.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was angry when you came to me with what I thought was a crazy theory and even more so when you asked me to confirm it but, I wanted to apologize for that. Like I said, I’m not mad anymore but I’m sorry that I was in the first place. It wasn’t fair to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—” But what did she even say to that? “Uh, thank you. Sorry, I…wasn’t really expecting any apologies.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Edrisa looked surprised, “well I think I certainly owed you one and, not that it’s really my place, but I think you deserve some given how we treated you. You were asked by a friend who’d betrayed you to do the impossible and did it and we were kinda jerks about it. All in all, I think I get why you had to leave and I can’t imagine how hard it must have been. I know you’ve known Gil and JT forever and to feel like all of us were choosing Bright over you even though he was in the wrong must have hurt a lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani felt the world stop for a moment before it tilted on its axis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I wasn’t really thinking of it that way but I suppose so.” The M.E. merely nodded sincerely and suddenly another question that she’d been thinking about on and off for the past few months popped into her mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you…mind me asking how you were able to forgive him so quickly? I know you’re close but even still, he was in the doghouse with JT and even Gil for a while so just…how?”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never really been one to hold grudges and, was it absolutely the wrong way to deal with that? Yup. I’m not disputing that, but I know that if it were my baby brother or my partner or someone else I loved that much, I can’t say for sure I’d have done any different. And of course he did introduce me to Jo which I know shouldn’t affect the decision but what can I say? I’m a little biased when it comes to my girlfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was so much she could’ve unpacked in that statement but the thing that she ended up blurting out was, “He introduced you to Jo? I didn’t know that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A soft smile appeared on Edrisa’s face at her question and, though it wasn’t the direction she’d intended to take the conversation, Dani was an investigator at heart and if Bright had successfully orchestrated a meet-cute for their awkward medical examiner well…this was a story she </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to hear to believe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, after he got his hand out of his hand cast, Bright went to some pottery classes at a locally-owned shop in The Village to work on rebuilding some finer muscle strength back up and one day he was talking with the owner and she mentioned that her shopfront was the location where the Bowery Ripper’s first victim was found </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> that she ran a true crime podcast. He was pretty sure that we had talked about that same show so he invited me to the next class and we hit it off and she turned out to be a fan of the true crime website I run!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow.” Dani felt her jaw drop. Naturally, she’d met Jo a few times at group outings and noticed that she and Edrisa had similar eccentricities but she'd always chalked it up to them meeting online or something of that sort. Never in her life would she have guessed that Malcolm Bright had set them up; in fact, never in her life would she guess that Malcolm Bright would be the one to set </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> up. He was good at an infuriating number of things but according to JT, romance and romantic relationships in general were two areas where he had a historically terrible track record.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right! We actually co-host the show now and we were gonna have Bright on after he solved the Bowery Ripper case because solving a case in a dream? I mean how cool is that? He ended up getting super cagey when I asked him about it so we dropped it, but he sent us to this author and amateur historian at the Kenmare Hotel who was great so it all worked out. But yeah, he’s the reason I met the love of my life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s…I had no idea.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edrisa laughed, “He doesn’t really bring it up and gets all bashful if one of us does. I think he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s a hopeless romantic. Anyway like I said, it was easy not to stay mad at him for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded taking all that in. It really got to the heart of her Malcolm Bright problem; he was willing to do anything to protect the people he cared about and more often than not it meant leaping before he looked. Sometimes it turned out good like Edrisa and Jo and sometimes…Dani snapped herself from that train of thought and refocused herself on the conversation at hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…thank you. For the apology and the story and for being the first person who isn’t trying to push me into forgiving Bright for the sake of the team dynamic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it wouldn’t be fair for me to ask that of you. I mean, I know I don’t know you all that well but I do know that you need time. Anyone would after that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Dani felt almost insecure. She had never been close to Edrisa but here she was, opening up more to her than she had to anyone else in the past few months, she didn’t quite know what to make of it. “Still, I appreciate it a lot.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course! And if you ever want to talk about this or y’know, anything really, let me know. Also if you want to come in for one of Jo’s classes, I know she would love to have you. They’re very therapeutic and you basically get your own souvenir so it’s a real win-win.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani laughed, really laughed at that as a genuine smile took over her face. “I’ll definitely think about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned towards the door and just before she reached to push it open, Edrisa called out to her, “Oh! And I realized that I totally forgot to say it at the scene, but welcome back Dani, we missed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm glad to be back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she left the morgue for the bullpen, she found that for the first time since being back, she truly felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be back with Major Crimes. Somehow Edrisa had made everything sound so simple, her tone so matter-of-fact that the muddied mess of feelings she had about returning to the 16th precinct began to get clearer and clearer. She felt settled again, like maybe someday soon, things would get back to their team’s version of normal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she got to the conference room she found JT pouring over the more financial statements, Gil and Bright nowhere to be found so she knocked on the door, catching his attention, “Need any help in here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, I’m almost done. What’d Edrisa wanna talk to you about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh you know, just some casual girl talk.” Dani said, a sly smile on her face. It wasn’t that she was necessarily hiding what they’d talked about, but it somehow felt personal, something she wanted to keep close and ponder for a while before she spoke about it with anyone else, if she did so at all. JT merely raised an unimpressed eyebrow and went back to the statements while she leaned on the table in front of the case board, holding her tea close and letting it warm her perpetually cold hands. After a while she heard JT put his pen and she could feel his eyes on her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know for like three weeks straight after he got back Bright would make two cups of tea when we stayed late at the precinct. I swear it was like muscle memory for the guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh c’mon, he did not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He absolutely did, D. Sometimes when he’d get stuck on a profile I swear he’d look around the room for you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can tell you right now you were just seeing things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I promise I wasn’t. You know," oh she did not like the smug smile that was steadily creeping across his face, "he was in the hospital with a concussion and bruised ribs about a month ago, high off his ass on painkillers, wondering when you’d be by to take him home. Ask Gil if you don’t believe me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani’s eyes widened, but before she even had a chance to think about responding to that, Bright and Gil made their way into the conference room, “The kid has a profile.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Our killer is likely a caucasian male in his late 20s or early 30s. His blows were confident, without hesitation or restraint so he’ll have a history of violence, probably against women, possibly even a record for assault with a deadly weapon. Like Dani said yesterday, there are two conflicting profiles at play.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He briefly stopped his pacing across the room to turn and glance at her, his eyes clear as a summer sky and sparkling with excitement as the grin he was clearly trying to contain grew just a bit wider. Maybe JT </span>
  <em>
    <span>hadn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> been bullshitting her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We either have a man who knows her and feels he’s been betrayed or rejected by her, hence the stabbing in the back and the heart </span>
  <em>
    <span>or</span>
  </em>
  <span> a man who broke into her apartment, likely to rob her, and found that something about her set him off hence the overkill. Maybe she fought back, maybe she looked like someone in his life that hurt him, something like that. Regardless, we should look into any man in her life who might have a record and perhaps even widen our search to her whole office, not just her division if we keep coming up empty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Gil tapped one of the photos of their victim’s nightstand where her ransacked jewelry tree stood “what about the dislocated fingers and the missing jewelry?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s trickier. My best guess is that they were either gifts given to her from him or if it was a stranger, they reminded him of something someone in his life wore and seeing them infuriated him, it may have even been one of the stressors that sent him into a rage that ended in murder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A cursory glance around the room told her that she wasn’t the only one with reservations about the amount of information. She was about to say something when Gil spoke up again, “Okay, so it isn’t much to go on, but we’ve had less so that’s no excuse.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she turned to survey the whiteboard she heard Gil and JT leave, the former to call the building manager to ask if there were more surveillance tapes to sort through, and the latter to call Tally to check on Junior again and the room was blanketed in an uncomfortable silence and, based on the heat crawling steadily up her neck, she just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that Bright's eyes were on her again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still can’t place that detail?” Though it shouldn't have been surprising, his voice startled her. “Sorry, just, with the way you were looking at the body in the morgue and the way you’ve been looking at that board…it doesn’t take a profiler to notice that you’re frustrated and unsettled about something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, yeah there’s still that voice telling me I’m missing something but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not sure if it’s still </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> that little thing or if it’s because you’re realizing that you share quite a few similarities with the victim, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, that gave her pause. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, on a surface level, she had realized that. Angelica Carter was only a few years older than her but they had near identical features, with curly black hair, deep brown eyes, near identical heights and body types, both living alone without many friends to speak of, both deeply dedicated to their jobs, both runners. Their biggest difference was in income because no way in hell was a cop’s salary getting her a place on 5th Avenue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay one, I still hate it when you do that and two, how is it that I didn’t notice this until now but you did?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One, noted” he ducked his head, but she was certain that she saw a small smile “and two, I simply came to the same conclusions I assume Dr. Tanaka would have given a simple observation of your underlying bone structure and musculature.” At the confusion that must’ve been written across her face he shrugged nonchalantly, “I minored in human anatomy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rolled her eyes and huffed out a laugh, “Of course you did. And the rest of it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, your brain was probably recognizing the possibility of those similarities and protecting you from the idea that this could’ve been you. Think of it as Freud’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>unheimlich</span>
  </em>
  <span> or as we commonly refer to it, ‘the uncanny,’ basically, it's two things that are nearly identical save for a few differences but, those differences are just enough to make the whole deeply unsettling. Think animatronic dolls, zombies, or even corpses. In fact, several fascinating papers have recently been written that discuss the implications of doubling the ego has on development and...” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His face flushed, “Sorry. Um, the basic details, the similar lifestyles, those are easy parallels to draw, but, the interviews I think were the most revealing. According to friends and family, Angelica Carter was confident, kind, down-to-earth, and brilliant, just like you.” His eyes had that faraway look and there was the ghost of a smile on his face as his voice got softer. “Not nearly as beautiful though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He seemed completely unaware of what he’d just said and sounded so unabashedly sincere that it melted her to her core and she found herself biting down on a smile. Her silence must have become noticeable because he turned away from the case board, head tilted, confused puppy look on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He furrowed his brow and she shot the look right back at him and for another moment it felt like before and she found herself wanting that feeling back for the first time in four-and-a-half months. Of course, just as she had worked up the confidence to tell him that, their other team members returned and Gil sent JT and Bright to pick up additional surveillance tapes from the victim’s building while she started running names and looking for priors.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe one of these days they’d actually address the elephant in the room but for now, every time she thought about it, echoes of a conversation with Gil in a coffeeshop on a late July day came roaring back.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m so afraid because once I forgive him, what if we pick up right where we left off? What if he takes up the same space in my life as he did three weeks ago but without any secrets? I don’t know what happens then and I don’t think I can risk it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>No, she wouldn’t open that can of worms today. </span>
  <em>
    <span>When this case is done,</span>
  </em>
  <span> she promised herself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>when this case is done, then we’ll talk.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1) you will learn why dani keeps making all these literary references and why i keep being specific about the books she’s reading soon(ish) because i promise there’s a reason</p><p>2) not to project but i am of the firm belief that literally everyone on this damn show is bi until proven otherwise hence edrisa's lovely gf jo(sephine)</p><p>3) the podcast edrisa and her gf run is about true crime in nyc and they interview locals, visit crime scenes, etc. and it's fairly popular. no, i have not come up with a name for it yet.</p><p>4) any unsolved mystery on the show that took place before 206 aired is now the bowery ripper’s fault, sorry, i don’t make the rules.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. i know that you won't realize it // but it's still all up to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>we’ve pulled on the loose thread of this case and it starts to unravel also, malcolm makes the unwise decision to visit his dad bc of course he does</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the song is once again, “don’t let it get to you” by rostam &amp; once again this chapter contains excessive use of italics so prepare yourselves</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“i know that you won’t realize it // but it’s still all up to you”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>don’t let it get to you, rostam</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was in the precinct kitchen getting what was about his third cup of the coffee this morning when out of the corner of his eye he caught Dani striding to the conference room shoulders back head held high; she must’ve found a lead. That thought alone had him haphazardly dumping sugar into his coffee and rushing after her as quickly as he could, catching up just as she got to the door and darting around her to pull it open. She rolled her eyes at him and shot him a glare that held absolutely no malice, whispering her thanks as Gil and JT looked at them expectantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay so, I haven’t heard anything back from the 77th yet </span>
  <em>
    <span>but,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I figured maybe I’d check around our precinct to see if anything similar was logged and guess what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel a smile stretching across his face, “You found something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found something.” Her voice was impassioned in that way he found so very endearing, so very </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “There was a case about three blocks from Angie Carter’s apartment from about two weeks ago with almost the same M.O. and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani that’s not really—” JT tried to interrupt but she just steamrolled ahead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh I’m not done.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She grinned and it was contagious, and there was a spark in her eyes that electrified him as she began to pace the length of the whiteboard. Malcolm supposed that this must be what he looked like when he got particularly invested in a theory.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found connections to </span>
  <em>
    <span>three</span>
  </em>
  <span> other unsolved cases from August, one in Tribeca and two in Chelsea. I pulled the files and the crime scenes look super similar; all the victims were murdered the same way, all the cases are unsolved, all the women share the same physical features and lifestyles, they’re all missing necklaces and rings, Gil I think our second profile is correct, I think we might have a—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani.” Gil’s voice was firm, “That isn’t much to go on and I don’t want you saying the words you were about to say without more concrete proof. While I’m sure the staging of the bodies and scenes is weird, are you sure, I mean absolutely sure that these aren’t random home B&amp;E’s that just so happened too result in murder?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. These are the crime scene photos and…they’re creepy, Gil.” She laid the photos out across the table, “Lauren Harris, 25, from Tribeca; Julia Warren, 29 and Mya Baker, 28, from Chelsea; and Ella Pierce, 27, also from Lenox Hill.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm agreed with her assessment, all the women and the crime scenes bore an uncanny resemblance to each other but he did have one question, “Why do these first three look less bloody than our most recent vic Angelica Carter?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Number of stab wounds,” Dani pointed to each case in the same order as before, “Three, five, six, eleven, and Angelica Carter had thirteen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up and met her eyes, “You really think?” she nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck.</span>
  </em>
  <span> If Dani was right, and he was about 72% sure she was, that meant… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a chance there are eight other cases just like this one that we’re missing.” The tension in the room started to skyrocket, they all knew what Dani would say next, he felt ice trailing down his spine. “There’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>chance</span>
  </em>
  <span> we have a serial killer on our hands.”</span>
</p><p><span>Gil, ever the voice of reason leveled her with a solemn look, “Dani, we have to be </span><em><span>absolutely</span></em> <em><span>certain</span></em><span> about this. We can’t go throwing ‘serial killer’ around. For all we know this could be a coincidence, an unusual coincidence, but a coincidence all the same.”</span></p><p>
  <span>“Spanning all the way from Lower Manhattan up to the Upper East Side? With women who literally look like they could be cousins or even sisters? What are the odds of that? Come </span>
  <em>
    <span>on</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gil, there’s something here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think she’s right.” He said, and Dani whipped her head to look at him. There was a little bit of relief and a lot bit of smugness in her eyes and he understood why; the two of them were definitely the most stubborn people on the team. If they were together on this theory, there was no way Gil and JT would be able to hold out forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few seconds of tense silence Gil finally relented, “Okay if, </span>
  <em>
    <span>if</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’re right about this, how do we go about proving it? I need something to bring to the guys in charge of these cases if I want to take them over and it needs to be fast, especially if we think he’s gonna kill again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well…” Malcolm winced. He knew what he was going to have to do next even if he really, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t want to but, if this man had been killing for over three months and as of now showed no signs of stopping, he didn’t really see another option. It seemed he was due for a visit to Claremont.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, no.” JT must’ve noticed the resolve that passed over his face because he seemed to know exactly what he was about to say, “I think we got this one on our own.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm rolled his eyes at that, but Gil continued, “JT’s right, Bright. We don’t need Dr. Whitly for this, you don’t need to do that to yourself.” Gil looked every part the concerned parent that he was, “You haven’t been to see him in what? Almost two months? You </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t have</span>
  </em>
  <span> to see him. We can figure it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We really can’t!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm snapped, startling Gil and JT and causing Dani to curl into herself. He took a deep breath and tried to tamp down the frustration he felt, he was no good to anyone like this, least of all himself.</span>
</p><p><span>“This killer, whomever he is, has been at it for three months </span><em><span>at least</span></em><span> and we have five victims now but you heard Dani, there are more than likely </span><em><span>eight</span></em> <em><span>more</span></em><span> unsolved cases that belong to him. Gil, you need to be able to have enough evidence to get control of these cases and we barely had enough to convince you and JT. I know I don’t need your permission but let me do this.</span><em><span> Please.”</span></em></p><p>
  <span>Gil closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them on a sigh, “Fine, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>be careful.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I need you at your best for this, kid.” Malcolm nodded and Gil turned to JT and Dani, “I need you one of you to start running this info through our databases to see if you can find other cases, the other is driving Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before he could protest, Gil left for his office to deal with the abundance of red tape that would be getting jurisdiction over these cases, and he turned just in time to see Dani shoot JT a look that got him out of the room </span>
  <em>
    <span>quick</span>
  </em>
  <span> before she turned to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright, I’m driving you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is not a debate, I’m driving you to Claremont.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, seriously, you don’t have to, Gil was just saying that. I’m fine to go on my own.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before she could respond he went to leave but just before he got to the door, he felt her hand catch him by the wrist. “I won’t let you go alone…I can’t, okay? Let me get my keys and we’ll go. Together.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He searched her eyes, for what he didn’t know, and found an abundance of sincerity and concern. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Ducking his head, he felt her release his wrist, and went to grab his coat before following her out to the precinct lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their car ride was spent in silence which Malcolm was eternally grateful for, at least this way he could try and mentally prepare for a conversation he was certain would be rough from start to finish. Speaking to his father was like playing the world’s worst game of chess; in order to leave Claremont only mildly scathed, which was his version of winning the board, he had to be strategic about what information he was willing to give his father, which pawns he was willing to lose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were certain topics that were unfortunately non-negotiable, for example, there was no way he’d get anything from his father without first giving him an update on Ainsley’s condition. But after that, all he needed to do was keep Dr. Whitly focused on the case because if Malcolm slipped and allowed to dominate the conversation, he’d surely try to mine for information on two topics he had no interest in talking about; Mother and Gil’s relationship and Dani. Unfortunately, before he had time to continue strategizing, he felt the car roll to a stop in front of the visitor’s entrance and a soft touch on his arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be parked somewhere in the lot and if we get any updates I’ll call and get you out of there ASAP, okay?” Dani’s eyes were so filled with an emotion he couldn’t profile but that made his heart stutter all the same, “Do you want me to call you after 30 minutes and give you an out anyway?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He chuckled softly, “No, but if I’m in there longer than an hour, I give you permission to come bust down the door yourself. How’s that sound?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like a plan.” She smiled and lightly squeezed his arm, “I’m not going to tell you that you don’t have to do this because you’ll just argue, all I’ll say is that I’ll be here when you get out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded and swallowed thickly, checking to make sure that he had his phone and some of the case files before hopping out of the car and marching into the building. As he passed through security he forced his thoughts of the car ride with Dani out of his mind, the farther away they were, the less likely he was to let something about her slip out. Stimming his hand and controlling his breathing, he made his way through the endless hallways towards his father’s cell, focusing his mind on how to best direct the visit. As he passed into the last hallway and greeted Mr. David with a wave, Malcolm took a calming breath, steeled himself, and walked into the belly of the beast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My boy! Oh it’s been so </span>
  <em>
    <span>long</span>
  </em>
  <span> since I last saw you.” Dr. Whitly was gleeful as ever which was never a good sign. “How’s your sister? Hopefully her stay in Bellevue is coming to a close? Or maybe she’s being transferred to Claremont? Oh I’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> to get some good father-daughter time in before her release.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bit down on the inside of his cheek, he would </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> rise to that obvious bait. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Whitly, I need your help on a case.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh you do now? Does your team know you’re here? Does Gil?” His voice sharpened, “How </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> the good Lieutenant by the way? Still recovering nicely? Still trying to put the moves on Jessie or has he finally realized that she’d never give him the time of day?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father was changing topics so quickly it was giving him whiplash. The case, the case, he needed to get back to the case. “We might have a serial killer on our hands.” He tried to discreetly draw his hands behind his back so that his father wouldn’t see them beginning to shake</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re sure she won’t be transferring? Claremont is a much nicer facility, the women’s ward is lovely except for, you know, the occasional murder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yeah, his hand tremor was out in full force, so behind his back he balled his hand into a fist so tight that he felt his nails digging into his palm and making little crescent-shaped marks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ainsley is </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She’ll be in Bellevue until at least January and the doctors say she’s a model patient.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well of course she is.” His father said with a scoff, “She’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>my girl,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and no matter where she is, she’ll strive to be the best.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed back the retort that would only succeed in derailing the visit entirely, he schooled his expression and tried to refocus the conversation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Whitly, the case?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yes! Let’s hear it then? A serial killer you said?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His entire demeanor pivoted on a dime which was typical but, as Malcolm began describing the finer details of the case, he noticed that as much as he was studying his father, his father was studying </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span> which was concerning to say the very least. Of course, there could be a million tidbits of information that his father was digging for but he had the distinct, terrible feeling that he was being backed into a corner without knowing it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you don’t know how he’s choosing his victims?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, we know that he has a physical type but we don’t know where he’s finding them. We haven’t found any connections between the women yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And they were found where again?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of them were killed in their apartments, two in Lenox Hill, two in Chelsea, and one in Tribeca.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father paused for a second considering that before his eyes widened and Malcolm could tell he was making the connection in his mind. “The ones on Lenox Hill, I’d guess they lived on either 4th or 5th Avenue, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes but how—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the women in Chelsea, lived between 9th, and 11th Avenue?” At his confused face Dr. Whitly continued in the same voice he had used with a much younger Malcolm when he explained the intricacies of the human body. “You said they were runners. He probably sat in popular spots for joggers and waited for a woman who was his type, stalked her for a bit, then…pounced, as it were.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father tilted his head and furrowed his brow, “Remind me of the physical description again?” He asked innocently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About 5’7” or 5’8” with curly dark brown or black hair, brown eyes, athletic body types, women who were married to their jobs, living alone, a few close friends and family members, no pets…” He trailed off, missing the knowing glint in Dr. Whitly’s eyes until it was too late. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” His heart rate began to pick up and just as he’d worried, Dr. Whitly had boxed him in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Correct me if I’m misremembering my boy, but that description sounds just like your Dani. Have you checked in, made sure she’s doing alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s fine.” He answered shortly, hoping beyond hope that this line of questioning was over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sound </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> sure of yourself but how can you really know, right? I mean she could be his next—”</span>
</p><p><span>“She won’t be, Dani is doing </span><em><span>just</span></em> <em><span>fine.”</span></em><span> Malcolm unconsciously glanced at the door and when he met Dr. Whitly’s eyes again, he watched as a smirk spread across his face; his father had found what he was looking for and locked onto it like a heat-seeking missile. </span></p><p>
  <span>“Oh she’s back, isn’t she?” For someone who was the top of his class at Quantico and considered one of the best profilers at the Bureau, Malcolm really was a shit liar and his father knew it. “How </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> dear Dani? Did you have </span>
  <em>
    <span>the talk?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Has she forgiven you yet? I know you were quite heartbroken when she left and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you Dr. Whitly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He needed to get out of there as soon as possible. He turned on his heel and banged on the door, barely pausing to thank Mr. David before quickly making his way through the winding halls and trying to force his father’s overly cheery, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Give the lovely Dani all my best!</span>
  </em>
  <span> out of his mind. It only sort of worked. Thankfully, the moment he walked through the front doors of Claremont he felt like he could breathe again and his load was lightened infinitesimally. Scanning the lot, he found Dani’s car and made his way towards it in a daze, meeting her worried stare with a weak smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, don’t worry. I actually got a lead out of him. I just…I need a minute before you call Gil, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about that. You can tell us all what you learned once we get back to the precinct. For now just relax, breathe, do whatever weird meditation stuff you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He huffed out a laugh as she started the car and rested his head against the cool glass of the window, shutting his eyes and replaying the conversation with his father back through his mind again and again. When was the moment he had shown his hand? Was it the moment his father had gotten all the case details and learned that Dani was the officer-in-charge per Malcolm’s request? Or was it even earlier? Was it the moment he asked her to step foot in that cell with him and face his father during their </span>
  <em>
    <span>Countess of Monte Cristo</span>
  </em>
  <span> case?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had become a weakness of his for his father to exploit without him realizing it. It didn’t matter that they were currently stuck in an awkward liminal space, he still cared about her and he was fairly certain that she still cared about him. They had been best friends once and more than anything else, he wanted that back. Unfortunately though, Dr. Whitly was right, he and Dani needed to talk. He needed to apologize to her and he hoped that she would forgive him and he wanted that to happen sooner rather than later so when the car stopped Malcolm gently placed his hand overtop of hers where it rested on the gear shift. She glanced down at their hands in disbelief before meeting his eyes, her face was completely open, her eyes swirling with emotions that threatened to drown and freeze him in their amber.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath before speaking and even then he heard his voice shake. “We um…we should talk.” Her face paled, her lips drawing into a thin line. “No, no not right now just…soon. Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt her hand tense beneath his and saw her grit her teeth before she looked at him with an intensity that could’ve burned him alive from the inside out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It sounded more like a death sentence than a promise when she said it and the easy silence of the car rides shifted back into awkwardness as they made their way inside. But she had said </span>
  <em>
    <span>soon,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and that was something. That was </span>
  <em>
    <span>hope.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When they got back to the conference room they found JT taping new photos up on a second whiteboard that had been rolled in. “While you two were gone I found two more, Keeley Williams, 25, found dead in her home in Greenwich Village in August, and Rosa Vaughn, 29, found dead a week ago, her apartment was five blocks from the Carter scene.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” Dani’s face scrunched up adorably as she processed this information, “how’d we miss the case if it was so close to our initial crime scene?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ms. Vaughn lived in a building with some </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> wealthy neighbors. The precinct was asked to keep everything quiet for the time being.” JT rolled his eyes at that and Malcolm couldn’t help but agree. The things that money got you in this city were truly ridiculous but just as he was about to comment on it, Gil walked in, his arms crossed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was somehow able to get complete jurisdiction over the cases Dani found as well as preliminary jurisdiction over the cases JT found. All the evidence is on its way over now. Bright, did you end up getting anything </span>
  <em>
    <span>useful</span>
  </em>
  <span> from Dr. Whitly?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually yes, is there a map of the city lying around anywhere?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil went over to the corner of the room and pulled out a laminated map of New York City, unfurling it and laying it across the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, we’re going to construct a geographic profile of the murders. I want to make sure the clusters Dr. Whitly found actually makes sense. So, we have three from the Upper East Side,” he put x’s over the locations of the crime scenes and put the number of wounds each body had to the left of the x, “two in Chelsea, one in Greenwich Village, and one in Tribeca. What else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani grabbed the marker from him, “We know that the first body, Lauren Harris was found on July 29 and the most recent body, Angie Carter was found on November 9 which means that the seven murders that we know of span about three months </span>
  <em>
    <span>but,</span>
  </em>
  <span> if Lauren Harris was vic number three, the murders could go back even earlier.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT looked between the map and the whiteboards with a frown, “Only problem with all this information is, we don’t know where to look for the other victims because we don’t really know where he’s choosing them from. The murders on the Upper East Side and in Chelsea are clustered closely together, within a  few blocks but the other two cases are a little further apart and if the timing and the M.O. weren’t the same as the others, you’d almost think they weren't connected.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not necessarily true. What do you see about where the victims all lived?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright,” Gil had the disapproving parent look and exasperated tone of voice Malcolm had become so familiar with throughout his youth, “I am in no mood for th—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no way.” He could see the puzzle pieces click together in real time in Dani’s mind and it made him feel warm inside. She really had the makings of an </span>
  <em>
    <span>incredible</span>
  </em>
  <span> profiler. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT cleared his throat, looking between the two of them, “Care to share with the class?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They were all runners, that’s how he’s choosing them. Our three victims from the Upper East Side all lived within two avenues of Central Park, the women in Chelsea lived on the High Line; both areas are popular spots for joggers. He must be staking out parks.” She seemed to consider this for a moment before continuing, “But why move locations then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So he doesn’t draw attention to himself. I mean, think about it, he spends a few weeks staking out locations, finding victims he likes, killing to satiate his need, then moving on so he doesn’t draw too much attention to himself. It’s genius…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright.” Gil’s eyes were closed and his fingers were pinching the bridge of his nose. He was trying to stave off what was likely a Bright-induced headache, something Malcolm was intimately acquainted with causing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...and awful.” He smiled sheepishly, “On the upside, all we need to do is figure out where Lauren Harris ran regularly then look for related cases.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, there’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>no way</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s that easy. What happened? Why is he on our radar now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“JT’s right, kid. Also, if this guy is doing his best to stay undetected, why keep a consistent M.O. and victim type? Changing locations is smart but if he wanted to keep killing why not change other details too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Malcolm felt himself audibly gulp, “something's changed. He’s getting less subtle. He’s spent long enough in the shadows, I think he wants to be noticed and once he realizes that Major Crimes is looking into his case…I worry that all bets are off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A tense silence settled on the conference room as the team looked amongst each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Gil said, pulling them all back from the abyss they were all surely staring into, “let’s get to work.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>c’mon now, y’all knew this wasn’t just gonna be a simple murder, right?</p><p>the next chapter is fun interlude that's from another character's pov so get hype for that</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. interlude: i will go if you ask me to // i will stay if you dare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>happy thanksgiving in april as told by everyone's favorite lieutenant!! that's it, that's the chapter.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the title is from if i go, i’m goin’ by gregory alan isakov. now, the og version of this song is phenomenal but he does an album with the colorado symphony orchestra that is absolutely stunning</p><p>any chapter that starts with "interlude" will be told from another character's pov, this time we have gil!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“i will go if you ask me to // i will stay if you dare”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>if i go, i’m goin’, gregory alan isakov</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thanksgiving had been Jackie’s favorite holiday which was no surprise to anyone who knew her. Cooking was one of her favorite things to do and even though they had no kids of their own and very little family to speak of, it became a day for them to invite friends, neighbors, coworkers, and anyone who didn’t have a place to go into their home so they could all sit down and have a nice meal together. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Together</span>
  </em>
  <span> was always the key word there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were all different things that brought everyone together; Malcolm used to sneak out to eat with them every year until he left for D.C. since there was never very much to be thankful for in the Whitly house. After Jackie had learned Dani had no one to be with for the holiday, she was welcomed with open arms, bringing her father’s recipes for the perfect Old Fashioned and Apple Cider Whisky Sour, becoming their de facto bartender despite being the only one there who didn’t drink. JT and Tally came since they always spent Christmas visiting their parents in Georgia and Florida and didn’t want to pay for airfare twice in such a short span of time; especially now with their baby. Unfortunately, Jackie never got to meet Edrisa but she’d always stressed the more the merrier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But this year…well, he had always admired Jackie’s mentality but he wasn’t sure that more would necessarily equal merrier this time around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Between Endicott’s murder, Malcolm arrest, Ainsley’s arrest and her subsequent sentencing to Bellevue, and Dani’s involvement in all of it, dinner was sure to be…tense. Logically, he knew that in the past few weeks she’d been back with them, that awkwardness with the team had dissipated bit by bit; but there were still moments where the protectiveness and the tight knit relationship between JT, Edrisa, and Bright had been apparent. It was never purposeful, there was never any malice to it, just an inadvertent, sharp reminder that she had been gone for three months and a reminder of the reasons why she left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although, if you were to scale it, that slight awkwardness that would come from everyone’s reflections on what they’re thankful for would look microscopic in the face of the nuclear bomb threat that was Jessica Whitly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He adored Jess and it would take a lot to change that but if anything had the potential to, it was this. When Ainsley and Malcolm were first arrested she had been furious at Dani but, she was nothing if not calculating, and knew that antagonizing the officer-in-charge would only lead to more trouble. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, that wasn’t something she had to worry about here amongst acquaintances and friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, no one wanted there to be an argument over the pumpkin pie but if one was going to happen, he knew how it would go; Jess would get angry, there would be an attempt to diffuse the tension, then she would explode. Worst of all, he knew, he just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that Dani would sit there and take it, maintaining as much composure as she could. She would let Jess take out her anger on her then Dani leave without a word to anyone save for an apology she didn’t need to give, and walk out of his door, and all of their lives come Monday. So, he had told Jess in no uncertain terms that the moment she started shit would be the moment she would be asked to leave and he had to hope that she wouldn’t try and call his bluff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wild card, as always, was Bright. It was painfully obvious how much he cared for Dani, maybe not to her, but to his team who’d spent the last three months watching him wander around like a lost puppy it was clear as day. Despite everything though, when push came to shove, he hadn’t defended her while she had been gone instead, he had tried to find a way out of the conversation or more often, out of the room they were in, effectively avoiding the topic entirely. It was as impressive as it was confounding. Even now that she was back, it seemed as though he wanted to be around her without actually talking to her; content to merely observe and admire from a distance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or at least he had been until last week. Something had happened between them recently, of that he was sure. Ever since they’d come back from Bright’s visit to Claremont a strange new wrinkle had appeared and their stalemate had become a dance; every step he took forward, Dani took one back. Something he had said must have scared her enough to make her want to retreat and when Dani Powell wanted to retreat, nothing and no one could get her to change her mind. As of now, locking them in a room together until they </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually </span>
  </em>
  <span>talked seemed like it would be the best approach and while Gil knew he would usually be above such immature behavior, the two of them were frustrating enough that he was honestly considering it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He figured there was an excellent chance that tomorrow would be a disaster that would set poor Jackie rolling in her grave, but at this point, all he could really do, short of cancelling dinner entirely, was watch. At least Junior would be there, and maybe his general baby-adorableness would ensure that clearer heads prevailed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night he dreamt about the last Thanksgiving he’d shared with Jackie.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>

  <em>
    <span>“Malcolm, are you sure you can’t stay at least a little longer?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I wish I could but I really do have to get to Mother’s. Although you seem especially insistent on me staying for dinner this year, not that I’m complaining but…why?” He looked between the two of them, eyes widening almost imperceptibly, voice raising in nervousness. “Who do you want me to meet?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jackie looked at him endearingly and rolled her eyes, “Nothing gets past you mi hijo. I want you to meet someone Gil took onto his team a few months ago,” she said innocently, smirking slightly at him, “I think you’d get along nicely.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Malcolm noticed because, of course he did, and narrowed his eyes as he glanced between the two of them. “Jackie, are you trying to set me up? You know that I don’t…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know you aren’t looking for a relationship right now but I just want you to meet her. Falling in love is secondary, I just think both of you could use a friend and I think you’re well suited for each other. Do I think you’d make each other very happy one day and have absolutely beautiful children?” She laughed vibrantly at the flustered look on their adoptive son’s face, “Perhaps. But right now you’re both in need of a little platonic love and support. You’re out of practice with friendship and so is she, I think it’d just…work.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gil didn’t say anything but he agreed. He’d never admit it, but Malcolm was lonely in D.C. at the Bureau, particularly since he’d broken up with Wes; as time had gone by, he’d even lost touch with Vijay and the few friends he’d made at Harvard. Their boy was sorely in need of people he could trust, who could trust him, who would love him, quirks and all. Dani really was the perfect person for him, she needed trust and companionship just as much as he did.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jackie was right, as she usually was. And god, she’d been vibrant that year; it was one of his last memories of her from before she collapsed at home and was rushed to the hospital, before they found out she had Stage 3 breast cancer, before her body withered away in a hospital bed, before she… </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His alarm finally jolted him awake. Based on the time it was showing, he’d overslept but that didn’t matter much, he knew the day would be starting later than it usually did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jackie had been alive, the two of them were up bright and early preparing the turkey and spending time with Malcolm for a few hours before he was forced to go back to his mother’s for dinner. When guests arrived, they all came bearing gifts; for them, Thanksgiving was a potluck of sorts where a lot of the “traditional” foods were either left to the wayside or reinterpreted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This year, Jess arrived mid-afternoon with Adolpho, carrying a plethora of traditional sides in tow, all in heated bags or coolers so that they could stay at their desired temperatures for the next few hours made by the Whitly’s personal chef. After everything was ushered in, she greeted Gil with a kiss, trying and failing to discreetly glance around the house. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani isn’t here yet Jess, and she won’t be for an hour or so, that is, if she decides to come at all” Jessica looked smug and Gil sighed in exasperation, “which, at this point is a very real possibility since you seem so intent on scaring her off. And though you may not think so, that would be a real shame because she makes a damn good drink.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She merely scoffed and before he could lightly chide her further, the doorbell rang.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That will be my son.” Jess breezed by him and all he could do was follow her to the front room, watching as she opened the door not only to Malcolm but to Tally, JT, and Junior as well, greeting them all with a genuine smile and outstretched arms, holding Junior while JT and Tally put their coats away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This, </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the Jess he knew and loved. She was at her best like this; warm, caring, nurturing, she still exuded the poise of a socialite, but not the icy exterior. He just wished she could find a way to extend that to Dani too especially since she’d actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani up until everything went to hell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Edrisa and Jo arrived few minutes later, he noticed JT checking his phone, a frown on his face as he texted someone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s not coming is she?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, boss. But she isn’t responding to my messages so probably not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I could say it wasn’t because Jess was here but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s afraid Mrs. Whitly’s gonna start throwing hands if she shows up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT nodded, hanging his head a bit, and Gil silently agreed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he looked around the room it was so clear that it was filled with love, even if everyone didn’t know each other the best. Edrisa, Jo, and Malcolm were discussing what he could only assume was a gory case based solely on the look on Jessica’s face as she bounced Junior in her lap. However, in retaliation, she seemed to be telling Tally stories about baby Malcolm making the tips of his ears go red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This, he knew, was what Jackie would’ve wanted, there was just one person missing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The appetizers appeared to be dwindling which meant it was time for him to start getting food ready in the kitchen. He observed for a few moments more, then slipped out of the room towards the kitchen, checking to see if he had any texts from Dani on his way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dinner was about fifteen minutes away when he thought he heard a knock on the sliding door next to his kitchen table. He ignored it, figuring it was an animal, but he heard it again so he went to slide the curtain back, revealing Dani wrapped in her coat and a thick scarf, carrying a bottle of nice whisky and what looked like a homemade apple crumble. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry about all the cloak and dagger boss, I just wasn’t sure who would open your front door and honestly, depending on who it was, I’m not sure I would’ve come in.” She cast her eyes down, embarrassed, and it hurt his heart to see his usually confident, grounded Dani so unsure of herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, something moving in the hallway behind her caught his attention and he saw Malcolm letting out a silent gasp. Luckily Dani hadn’t noticed and she continued, “If you want though, I can go. It’s really no problem, that’s actually another reason I used the side door, it's a quick egress point.” She tried to huff out an amused laugh but instead, it just ended up sounding small and bitter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, come on, you’re just saying that because there have been a few…hiccups. But that isn’t this, Edrisa and Jo are here and Tally’s here with Junior and—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She interrupted him, “and Jessica’s here and she hates me and Bright’s here too and everything has been so weird with him recently and he was being super cryptic the other day so I’m not entirely sure he wants me here either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From behind her, it looked like Bright was about to say something but Dani had hit her stride, “I know how special this day was to you and Jackie and I don’t want to ruin that and…actually you know what, I’ll go, it’s not a big deal. This is your first Thanksgiving with Jessica and if I walk into that room I’ll make it the most awkward dinner in the universe so I’ll just leave you with these.” She placed the whisky and the crumble on his counter, “Hopefully it’s not too bad, I’ve been trying to improve my baking skills since they aren’t really the best.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could tell she was getting jumpier, ready to leave as soon as he let her out of this conversation so he either had to convince her to stay or keep talking long enough for Malcolm to get up the courage to ask her himself. But he was still frozen in the hall, pain slowly painting over his features.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, back to bargaining it was, “Stay Dani, just for a little while. If you can’t I’ll give you an out but just come in and try. What reason do you have to go?” She made a face. “Other than Jess and the general awkwardness I mean. I know I want you here, I know Jo and Tally and Junior want you here, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> Bright wants you here. I think he might need you here, actually. He gets a little lost without you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani sighed and she shook her head, “That can’t be true. I took everything that mattered the most in Malcolm’s life and almost burnt it all to the ground. I put his baby sister away, he almost wasn’t allowed to come back to work, I arrested him not once, not twice, but three times, I dragged his family name through the mud, and on top of that, I was so angry with him, all the time. How could he forgive that? How could anyone? He should hate me, Gil.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, this isn’t all on you and it isn’t all on him either, but you both seem so intent on blaming yourselves that you’ll be circling each other ‘til kingdom come so come on—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil he is the best person I know, he was my best friend, but I still don’t know how to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> around him without thinking about the baggage between us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed heavily and he could tell she was so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> tired. The bags under her eyes might even be rivaling Bright’s and if he wasn’t mistaken, there were tears brimming in her eyes. Jackie would be so disappointed in him. The thought crossed his mind unbidden but he knew it was true. If she were here she would know how to handle this, how to get these two to fix what had broken between them and build it back better. But she was gone and Gil was clueless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, I’ll see you Monday, boss.” She went out the way she came, closing the door quietly behind her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil sighed heavily, “Kid, come on out, I know you heard just about all of that,” Malcolm sulked into the kitchen, glassy-eyed and blinking back tears, all but throwing himself onto one of the kitchen chairs. “She’s just stressed and upset and still hurting and just like you she carries the weight of the world with her. She’s just usually better at hiding it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up at that and spoke so quietly Gil barely heard it, “I didn’t know Mother would react that way when Dani was put in charge of the case, I didn’t even consider it and still I asked her, I begged her to arrest us and take the lead on our case. Gil </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>did that and it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so selfish</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I know I need to but I’m still too damn afraid to apologize because how could I have asked her to do that in the first place? I asked too much of her and I…I </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> ask too much of her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You did that because you trust her, you know she’s an excellent cop, and you knew that she would keep her composure and be fair to you and your family all no matter what. I won’t deny that it was selfish, it was, especially since you didn’t stop to consider the consequences. But ultimately, I think it was the right call.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a second Gil thought about telling Malcolm about everything Dani had done for him, about how she followed their case through every step of the process, how she had royally pissed off the A.D.A. because she knew he wouldn’t treat them fairly. But Dani had asked him not to say anything and so he wouldn’t, no matter how ridiculous he thought her reasoning was. Gil was drawn out of his train of thought when Malcolm spoke up again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, between getting my ex-girlfriend killed, letting Ainsley slit a man’s throat and stab him to death, and pushing my best friend so far away I’m afraid I lost her for good, I’m having a banner year, aren’t I? Loads to be thankful for.” He buried his head in his hands and Gil sat next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Gil, I trust her.” His voice was muffled and shaking, but he continued on, “She’s always, </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> been there for me, since my very first day in the precinct. She caught me and held me and didn’t let go until she knew I would be okay. No else has ever done that, not right from the start, no one except for you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lifted his head and even though blue eyes were somewhat dulled, they held an intensity Gil rarely saw outside of a case, “You said she was a Bronx girl, tough, like Jackie. Is that how it felt when you first met her too? Like finding a life preserver in a riptide?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well. That was not something Gil had expected to hear. In the more than twenty years he’d known Malcolm Bright, he’d never seen him like this. If he didn’t know any better he’d say it was love. But he had seen him in love before…hadn’t he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sort of.” Gil felt himself nodding, a bittersweetness filling him from the inside, “You knew me when I met her. But getting to know Jackie, falling in love with her was like…” he tried to come up with a metaphor Bright would actually understand “trying to read your favorite book in the dark and having someone suddenly turn on a light so you can see the words you love so much again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” Malcolm trailed off, eyes glazing over, consumed by something beyond what he could see, getting lost in his own mind. Gil rolled his eyes; he loved the kid but for all his usual impulsivity, sometimes he really needed a kick in the ass to get him going in the right direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get the hell out of here, Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani’s been gone for what? About five minutes? I know she took the subway and the closest stop is fifteen minutes away. You need to apologize and you told me you haven’t been able to find the right time. Well, I think this is the right time, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>go apologize</span>
  </em>
  <span> and do not come back here without her. Jackie would have my head if Dani felt unwelcome in this house so </span>
  <em>
    <span>go.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t need to be told again. Gil watched as Malcolm went to grab his own coat and scarf from the closet as well as another scarf and a pair of gloves because </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Dani was shivering when she got here, Gil. She can’t get sick, we need her”</span>
  </em>
  <span> and left. He watched for a second as his kid broke into a jog towards the nearest station, smiling before grabbing some of the sides that Adolpho had haphazardly placed around his kitchen and bringing them out to the table and prepared to face Jess’ questioning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil, where’s Malcolm? I thought I saw him head into the kitchen after you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yup, there it was, less than ten seconds after he’d put the turkey down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He went for some…fresh air.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>technically</span>
  </em>
  <span> a lie, it must’ve sounded a hell of a lot like one based on the twin looks of suspicion on Jessica’s and JT’s faces. “But let’s start in on dinner without him. We know he doesn’t eat much, and I don’t want the food to get cold.” Luckily, that pacified them for now, but he had a feeling that the conversation wasn’t over. Still, everyone was hungry enough that they started in on dinner without further complaint.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Towards the end of the meal he heard the sliding door open and shut and excused himself, collecting some of the food on the table under the pretense of getting dessert set up, and snuck back to the kitchen. Just before he made it in he paused, taking in the scene before him. Malcolm was sitting on one of the barstools while Dani was grabbing everything she’d need to make her truly phenomenal Apple Cider Whisky Sour, speaking in low tones, soft smiles adorning both of their faces. He couldn’t tell if the red on their cheeks was an after-effect of the cold or a blush, but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell that Malcolm was tracking Dani’s movements through the kitchen absolutely beaming with something akin to reverence in his eyes making their usual baby blue melt into a warm cerulean in the low light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few moments he rapped on the wall, alerting them to his presence and they both startled slightly, looking between each other and to him as if they were children who’d been caught doing something naughty. But he just smiled and chuckled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just in here to bring back food and get dessert. Dani, since I assume you haven’t eaten, you can make yourself a plate and eat in here if you want as long as you make sure this one” he gestured at Malcolm, “gets some food in him too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They watched as Bright pouted and Dani laughed in return. “You got it boss. We’ll join you for dessert, drinks, and the game after this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. I’m glad you’re here Dani, it wouldn’t have been the same without you.” He thought he saw her eyes start to glisten slightly before she blinked it away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Gil. I’m glad I got roped into coming back.” She said, side-eyeing Bright with a shy smile. “We’ll see you all in a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil left the kitchen heart a little fuller than it had been before. Sure, Jess would be annoyed but he had a feeling that when she saw the way her son looked at Dani, beaming brighter than his name, she’d be slightly pacified. She could be stubborn and hold grudges like nobody’s business, but she cared about her children a whole hell of a lot and he’d noticed that in the aftermath of Ainsley’s sentencing to Bellevue, she seemed to be more supportive, particularly of Malcolm’s career choices. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Perhaps,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>she’d be more open to this too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When dessert was finally over and everyone reconvened in the living room, he saw Jess observing the two eagle-eyed when they appeared in the doorway and for a moment her eyes softened. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, </span>
  </em>
  <span>no matter how much she’d deny it, </span>
  <em>
    <span>she was definitely open to this too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought made him smile and he was pretty sure he felt Jackie smiling from somewhere too.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"but vio," you say, "what about The Apology??!?!" don't worry, y'all will get it, it'll just be...later</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. people are good & people are ruthless // i’m never too sure which ones do the most damage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>we have another murder and malcolm has an...intense interview with a witness</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>first off, we're switching around and having the chapters go malcolm/dani for a while rather than vice versa so when you start reading this just be aware of that</p><p>&amp; for this chapter we got “feeling things” by ingrid andress which just has very strong brightwell vibes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“people are good and people are ruthless and i’m never too sure which ones do the most damage” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>feeling things, ingrid andress</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>When Malcolm got the call from Gil that there was another body matching their killer’s description found way uptown he was thrilled…to be called onto the case, obviously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d been about fifteen minutes into brunch with his mother and while the two of them had gotten closer in the last year, it still wasn’t his favorite activity. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Especially</span>
  </em>
  <span> when it involved her poking and prodding, trying to figure out how he’d gotten Dani to come to Thanksgiving dinner which was something that was absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>none of her business</span>
  </em>
  <span> to begin with. So when he got the call, he practically ran out to meet Adolpho, his oxfords with zero traction sliding precariously on the dusting of snow just outside the house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This would be the first morning in six months where he’d be at a crime scene and things would feel complete, </span>
  <em>
    <span>normal</span>
  </em>
  <span> again. He’d walk onto a crime scene and see Gil and JT and Edrisa and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani</span>
  </em>
  <span> and for whatever reason that thought gave way to a swooping feeling in his stomach and put a smile on his face as he met Gil outside of the apartment building.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the smile for, Bright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged and felt the grin grow a little wider. “I just feel like today’s gonna be a good day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil just gave him a funny look as they walked into the building and stepped onto the elevator, “I thought you just came from breakfast with your mother?” He said, pressing the button.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was brunch, but yes, that notwithstanding, a good day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT met them just as they got off the elevator, walking them down the hall and into a vast, well-organized apartment, “Hey boss, the body’s just through here and we’re waiting on Edrisa and Dani. Edrisa got stuck in traffic and I just got off the phone with Dani. She’s looking for parking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looking for parking? She could’ve walked and gotten here faster.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said something about wanting to take her car to the precinct later and figured driving here would be more convenient than walking here and back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil snorted, “Well that worked out well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the two of them continued talking, something they’d said finally processed in his brain and he stopped short, mildly taken aback. “Wait, Dani lives around here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both Gil and JT looked at him, surprised before the former finally spoke up, “All those times she’s been to your place and you never once have been to hers?” He shook his head no and Gil continued, mouth agape, “Kid, you didn’t even think to </span>
  <em>
    <span>ask</span>
  </em>
  <span> where she lived?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just assumed she still lived near Jerome Park where she grew up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, she’s lived here for the last…three years I think? It was just after she joined the team. Jackie and I helped her move.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT snickered, “I can’t believe you didn’t profile that one out of her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>specifically</span>
  </em>
  <span> told me not to profile her anymore and I try to respect that.” The two of them looked at him strangely but before he could ask what had piqued their interest they came up on the body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Vic’s name is Elise Mitchell, 27, she was found by her friend, a Kathleen Lang, she’s in the kitchen right now. She was supposed to meet the vic for coffee and when she was late and wouldn’t answer calls or texts she came to check on her, heard screaming, and used her emergency key to get in. The guy jumped out the window and went down the fire escape that he came in through, didn’t finish the job.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hence the lower number of stab wounds and lack of a knife in her back.” JT hummed in agreement and before he could ask and make sure they’d confirmed that this was the same killer, JT handed him a small piece of paper sealed in an evidence baggie, a grimace on his face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When the police get here, please ask for Lt. Gil Arroyo, Det. Daniela Powell, Det. JT Tarmel, and their profiler, the enigmatic Malcolm Bright, née Whitly. She is #14, it would do you well to catch up to me sooner rather than later or you might not like what you find.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s an ominous note but at least he’s polite.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT’s head whipped to him, expression equal parts exasperated and completely unsurprised. “Really Bright, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> what you got from that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? He is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil sighed and turned to JT, ostensibly giving him direction on what to do next, while Malcolm casually wandered further into the apartment. He knew that interviewing witnesses alone was generally frowned upon by his team but if they really wanted to ensure that he shouldn’t be doing that they really needed to keep a better eye on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he made his way down the winding hallway he noticed just how organized the place was. Elise Mitchell had a routine and she stuck to it. The only thing that wasn’t perfectly clean and tidy were her bookcases, all of them overfilled with everything from classics to scholarly journals to a set of encyclopedias, oddly enough. This woman was clearly incredibly smart, well-read, interested in medicine and psychology; a med student with a focus on neurology if he had to guess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rounded the corner and saw a petite auburn-haired woman with blood all over her hands, shirt, and pants and glassy green eyes that were red-rimmed and puffy. She looked completely drained, arms hanging limply at her sides, shoulders slumped, body curled in on itself, a few stray tears still running down her face. This must be the woman who found the body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kathleen Lang?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her head snapped to him, “That’s me, you a cop?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m just a consultant.” She raised a brow, “A profiler.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sniffed and one side of her mouth lifted slightly in a sad half-smile, “Oh Elise would’ve loved to meet you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How come?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She was in the process of getting her doctorate in psychology.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh, wow.” So he was half right. Still a student but getting a Psy.D., she was a fellow psychologist, someone he might have thought about as a colleague. For whatever reason that fact made him feel an overwhelming wave of sadness though he couldn't quite place why. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…she um, she wanted to work with children, you know, have her own practice. She loved helping people, it just came so naturally to her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you know her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The limp posture he’d observed before suddenly tensed and she curled her arms into her chest, “We um, we actually met at a N.A. meeting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was stunned silent for a moment. He hadn’t pegged that for either of them. “Narcotics Anonymous? She was a recovering addict?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know right? She doesn’t seem like the type at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You could say that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The usual tells that he expected from addicts weren’t present in anything he picked up in Elise’s apartment though, he supposed the further into their recovery they were, the harder it was to notice. Dani was the perfect example of that. Until they’d worked the Desir case there was nothing about her that suggested to him that she’d had a drug problem.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup. About five, six years back Elise had a cocaine addiction. She was still in college and no one really knew she used. I mean, some people had seen her high at parties but she used mostly recreationally until her senior year.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every doctoral program she applied to rejected her or waitlisted her. She started using more regularly until she O.D.’ed a few months after graduating from college. She went to rehab for about three months after that and started going to N.A. meetings.” Kathleen gave him a small smile and a choked laugh, “She reapplied to a few programs about the following year and of course not only got accepted, but got accepted to fucking</span>
  <em>
    <span> Columbia University.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Elise is…” Kathleen stopped short, her eyes glazing over with a fresh sheen of tears, “she </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> the smartest most motivated person I’ve ever met.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her grief was so genuine, so </span>
  <em>
    <span>raw</span>
  </em>
  <span> it hurt. There was something deeper there, he was sure of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you? If you don’t mind me asking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Vicodin. I tore my ACL as a college sophomore, got it for post-op pain and the rest is history. I met her at the same meeting I got my six month chip.” She gave him that same half-smile from before and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, it’s funny, we both graduated from NYU; I was a chemistry student and she was a psych and biology double major so we crossed paths, had some classes and friends in common but we never really knew each other. It took this life altering event for the two of us to actually meet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She spoke with a candor that was rare but still, there was something, some pain that hit her more deeply than that of a friend and…</span>
  <em>
    <span>oh.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It hit him like an oncoming train.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were in love with her, weren’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tried to choke down a sob but it came out anyway as she nodded her head and that </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> broke his heart. He wasn’t unfamiliar to that feeling and he couldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>imagine</span>
  </em>
  <span> what it had to be like to watch the person she was in love with die in her arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched as Kathleen took a few heaving breaths, trying to calm down before she spoke, her voice thick with tears, “You know, when I finally told her?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was fairly certain that he did but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t want to hear it confirmed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I found her bleeding out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart dropped through the floor. Yeah. He definitely hadn’t wanted to hear that. He tried to find any words to comfort her but there was nothing he could say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And afterwards she— she told me she loved me too and I was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> stupid. Why didn’t I say anything earlier, why didn’t I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>tell her,</span>
  </em>
  <span> why was I so goddamn scared?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He handed her a box of tissues sitting on a table nearby and sure, it was technically a crime scene, but he had a feeling no one would mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me when I say that I understand how scary that can be, I understand how you feel to want someone so badly but to be so afraid to lose them that you can’t say anything. I’m so sorry that it was too late before you could.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked at him with rage in her eyes, “You couldn’t possibly understand how I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I do,” the words came spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them, “I know what it’s like to want someone who is so much better, so much…brighter than you, and I’m a profiler so trust me when I say I’d know if she felt that way and she definitely doesn’t, there’s no way she ever will. I understand what it’s like to know someone like that and to be in love with someone like that and to have to see her every single day and sometimes it sucks because it hurts </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much</span>
  </em>
  <span> but I think I’d rather love her from a distance than not at all. That’s how you felt about Elise, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kathleen nodded as more tears fell from her eyes and he could feel his own beginning to glass over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn't even get up the courage to tell her. I kept telling myself, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ and I just…couldn’t. She was getting ready to meet me for coffee when it happened. I got to the cafe and was sitting there for like, I don't know, fifteen minutes? And Elise didn’t answer calls or texts and she’s never late, so I walked to her apartment and used my emergency key and there she was and there was so much blood…and I— I missed my chance and now she’s gone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d never been very good in situations like this so he did his best, picking up a small trash bin from the corner of the room, holding it out so she could dispose of her tissues as she tried to collect herself. After about a minute, she looked at him, examining him almost critically, clearly measuring what she was about to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You really haven’t told her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a conversation he wanted to get into but once again his mouth was moving before his brain could stop him and Malcolm huffed out a breath, “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t do that to her, you don’t understand, I’d ruin her. Dani, she deserves so much more than me. Besides, we just got back to being friends, I can't lose her again, I just can't.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kathleen laughed wetly, “Don’t you think that’s for her to decide? I didn’t want Elise to have to deal with my past, with me, with all my shit, but every hour since I found her, I can’t stop thinking about how every time I told her that I was a burden she would tilt her head and squint her eyes and say, ‘No you’re not, you’re my best friend and I’ve got burdens too but I'd much rather carry them next to you than all alone.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stopped to wipe at her nose. “Sometimes I forgot that we were on the same journey and when I relapsed about a year and a half ago she was still right there. Even when I was having a shitty day and snapping and was screaming at her to stop ruining my life while I went through withdrawal and rehab </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span> she stayed and she loved me all the way. And how did I repay that? I fucking lied about the way I felt. We could’ve had so many years together...we lost so many years...and I…” she broke down again, “can I have a minute?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded in assent, left her with the trash bin and booked it out of the room, ducking into a bathroom just down the hall, he looked in the mirror and decided he needed to stop and process what had just happened before even attempting to be his brand of normal around Dani. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Flicking a handkerchief out from his pocket and using it to turn on the tap, Malcolm wet his hands and wiped them over his face in an attempt to focus his mind. He didn't have time to sort through what had just happened, right now he needed to breathe and calm himself down. He hadn’t even noticed his heart racing and his hands shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was unsettling. He was no stranger to confronting his feelings for Dani on a semi-regular basis. It was something he would do alone in his apartment either in his own mind or monologuing to Sunshine in the middle of the night after consecutive nights of less than four hours of sleep. It was something that crept into his mind on nights when it drifted back to the bottom of that elevator shaft and he allowed himself to think that maybe, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was a possibility that wasn’t miles out of reach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On those nights he usually fell asleep dreaming of her in his arms and of that morning on the couch and waking up to a night terror where she was still in his arms, but she was bleeding out, dying, and there was nothing he could do to save her. But these were inside feelings, inside thoughts and hopes and dreams, nothing he ever thought he’d voice to another person, to a complete stranger no less.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After what felt like hours but was probably only minutes he noticed his heart had stopped racing and his hands weren’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>constantly</span>
  </em>
  <span> shaking which meant that it was probably time for him to go back. Edrisa and Dani were probably here by now and he needed to hear the M.E.’s findings.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he got back to the body he found Gil, JT, and Edrisa, all looking strangely suspicious with furrowed brows, furtive glances, tightened shoulders, and low whispers. That reaction was only one he had seen when they were worried about him during Dani’s absence and a quick, cursory glance around the room confirmed that no, the woman in question was nowhere to be found. But all good theories are testable so he decided to ask, “Hey guys, what’s up? Has Dani gotten here yet?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His suspicions were immediately confirmed when they all clammed up and JT and Edrisa’s eyes flitted over to Gil, hoping that he would be able to answer for all of them which was strange. What could’ve possibly happened to make all of them react like that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah she got here a few minutes ago but she needed a second to get some air.” Gil was evading his question which he rarely did so </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> had definitely happened. “Where were you, you disappeared on us for a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>may</span>
  </em>
  <span> have talked with the witness for a bit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil’s eyes went wide, there was shock there and realization, and it was nagging the hell out of him because Gil should’ve been </span>
  <em>
    <span>upset</span>
  </em>
  <span> with him for interviewing a witness without his permission, not whatever this was. Just as it looked like he might be clued in as to what had happened Dani reappeared and the five of them were blanketed in an awkward silence as he felt like he’d touched a livewire and hid his shaking hand behind his back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he took her in, he noticed similarities between her and Kathleen Lang, her red-rimmed eyes, her unconsciously introverted frame, crossed arms, protecting herself. Something had spooked her, but he held himself back from continuing to pry into what; they were finally friends again, he wouldn’t jeopardize that by trying to profile her again. But when their eyes met he couldn’t help but spot the way that her gaze shifted, she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>hiding</span>
  </em>
  <span> something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani! Everything okay? You ran out of here like a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Desmotus rotundus</span>
  </em>
  <span> out of hell.” Edrisa’s remark pulled him from his musings with a small chuckle and back to the scene in front of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine Edrisa. What were your findings?” Dani said, sounding…tense, strained.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, okay,” the M.E. looked between all of them and at Gil’s nod continued speaking, “time of death was about an hour ago, which tracks with the timeline laid out by the friend who found her and the cause was, obviously, multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen. You can see here where the witness tried to stem the bleeding with her coat but clearly she didn’t know proper medical procedure as you can see she pulled the knife out. Of course, that wouldn’t have made much of a difference with the amount of blood she’d lost and the vital organs the killer hit. That’s what I’ve got now but I’ll have more when I bring her back for autopsy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, JT, stay here and canvas the building tenants, hopefully they saw someone. Dani, supervise the crime scene techs for evidence collection and clean up then meet us back at the station when you’re done. Bright, you’re with me, we’re headed back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, their team dispersed. Gil was silent all the way back to his car but he could tell that whatever had happened with Dani was weighing on his mind. He’d unpack that mystery later though, for now Malcolm just had to keep focused on the case and shove what had happened in during the interview with Kathleen to the back of his mind until he could deal with it at some later date.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the Le Mans pulled away from the curb he leaned his head onto the window and thought back to that feeling he had less than an hour ago when he first walked onto the scene, that feeling that told him today would feel normal again. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thought, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much for normal.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>desmotus rotundus is the scientific name for the common vampire bat so edrisa's essentially saying "like a bat out of hell" but in a fun, nerdy, perfectly edrisa way</p><p>the next chapter is dani's perspective on what just happened so get hype</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. so i shut down, keep everyone out so no one wrecks my heart again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>so like i said in the notes of the last chapter, here’s the elise mitchell murder scene from dani’s pov :)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so this was actually the very first chapter of this fic that i wrote! i watched 206 and just immediately my brain went “yup, here we go” and now, here we are, 45k later</p><p>some more “feeling things” by ingrid andress</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“so i shut down, keep everyone out so no one wrecks my heart again”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>feeling things, ingrid andress</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Elise Mitchell’s apartment was massive and not very intuitively built, in fact it seemed like crime scene techs were getting lost so she didn’t feel too bad about honestly having no clue where she was going. Gil was coordinating everyone on the scene, JT was talking with the building manager, Edrisa was with the body, and Bright…actually, where was Bright? She didn’t see him back in the living room and she’d gotten to the scene late which meant he was either currently doubling back to the body or had joined JT for his interview. Dani on the other hand was still looking for the woman who found the body, a Kathleen Lang of Bloomingdale, the victim’s best friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>These kind of interviews always killed her, it was bad enough to find a dead body especially with a bloody scene like this, but to have it be your best friend must’ve been unbearable. As if it couldn’t get worse, Ms. Lang had interrupted the killer and Elise Mitchell was still alive when she was found. All of this was awful enough, but for some reason these bodies were getting to her more than usual. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course as Bright had pointed out a couple weeks ago, there was always something unsettling about looking down at a body that had her features and knowing that she fit the physical victim type but even still after a month she just couldn’t get rid of the feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that was telling her that she was missing something. That there was more going on here than just an incredibly violent man killing innocent women, she just </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t know what</span>
  </em>
  <span> and it was driving her mad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani passed what felt like the same room she had just been in when she heard Bright speaking with a woman down the hall, that had to be Kathleen. Right by the entrance to the room was a small alcove that allowed you to see half the room and Dani stopped short when she saw a petite woman with fiery auburn hair in tears having what looked like a very intense conversation with their very own profiler. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me I know exactly how you feel Kathleen and it sucks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Huh, that was a strange way for him to be approaching an interview. Usually Bright was more…brightish for lack of a better word. She was about to interrupt when she heard what he was saying and it was like she had been frozen in place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You couldn’t possibly understand how I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I do,” he broke in, “I know what it’s like to want someone who is so much better, so much…brighter than you, and I’m a profiler so trust me when I say I’d know if she felt that way and she definitely doesn’t, there’s no way she ever will.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani felt her heart racing, he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>want,</span>
  </em>
  <span> present tense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could hear his shallow breathing and picture his hand, trembling in full force, "I understand what it’s like to know someone like that and to be in love with someone like that and to have to see her every single day and sometimes it sucks because it hurts </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much</span>
  </em>
  <span> but I think I’d rather love her from a distance than not at all. That’s how you felt about  Elise, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Dani’s hand was the one trembling, she was the one breathing shallowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kathleen looked up and nodded, “I couldn't even get up the courage to tell her. I kept telling myself, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ and I just…couldn’t. She was getting ready to meet me for coffee when it happened. I got to the cafe and was sitting there for like, I don't know, fifteen minutes? And Elise didn’t answer calls or texts and she’s never late, so I walked to her apartment and used my emergency key and there she was and there was so much blood…and I— I missed my chance and now she’s gone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani pressed back into the alcove behind the door, blood rushing through her ears, and tried to calm her breathing when she heard Kathleen speak again “You really haven’t told her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bright huffed out a breath, “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her breath caught and she barely heard his next words, “I couldn’t do that to her, you don’t understand, I’d ruin her. Dani, she deserves so much more than me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That simple statement forced all the breath from her lungs and covered her mouth with her hands, swallowing a sob.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kathleen laughed wetly, “Don’t you think that’s for her to decide? I didn’t want Elise to have to deal with my past, with me, with all my shit, but every hour since I found her, I can’t stop thinking about how every time I told her that I was a burden she would tilt her head and squint her eyes and say, ‘No you’re not, you’re my best friend and I’ve got burdens too but I'd much rather carry them next to you than all alone.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani heard her blow her nose, “Sometimes I forgot that we were on the same journey and when I relapsed about a year and a half ago she was still right there. Even when I was having a shitty day and snapping and was screaming at her to stop ruining my life while I went through withdrawal and rehab </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span> she stayed and she loved me all the way. And how did I repay that? I fucking lied about the way I felt. We could’ve had so many years together...we lost so many years...and I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani felt her eyes starting to burn as she began to blink away the stray tears that had already started to fall. She darted out into the hallway, nearly running headlong into Gil who caught her before she hit the ground, eyes quickly scanning over her face, to make sure she was okay, catching the the tear tracks on her face. Dani could see the question in his eyes so she cut him off with a shake of her head, “I promise I’ll tell you later boss but,” her voice broke, “please, I can’t, not right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With that, she continued rushing down the hall, weaving through JT, Edrisa, and the other techs and officers on the scene, ignoring shouts of her name, breaking into a run once she made it outside, getting lost in the crowds of Christmas shoppers before popping out into Morningside Park and collapsing on an empty bench and catching her breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loved her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm Bright loved Dani Powell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words were an endless echo in her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loved her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He loved her and he thought he had missed his chance entirely which, if you had asked her four months ago would’ve been completely true. If you had asked her four months ago, she’d have told you that she never would want to work with him again because she’d never be able to trust him again. But in the past few weeks as she thought about why she left back in August, she realized it wasn’t just about his betrayal of her trust, it was a combination of that, anger at herself trusting him in the first place, and frustration with Gil, JT, and Edrisa for forgiving him so quickly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strangely enough, it had been JT who had Bright’s back once the truth about Ainsley and Endicott came out. They were all furious that he hadn’t come to them straight away but JT had understood why Bright covered for his sister, after all, he had Junior now and he would do anything, anything to protect his kid even if it meant taking on all the pain and all the guilt in the world. Gil had eventually come around too although, that probably as much to do with Jessica as it did with Malcolm. But, once he had forgiven them Gil was back in the Whitly-Bright corner in full force and between him, JT, and a very enthusiastic Edrisa, they had convinced the brass to let Malcolm stay on as a consultant only a couple weeks after Ainsley had signed her plea deal and was sent to Bellevue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was at this point Dani was ready to turn in transfer papers to her Captain, bypassing Gil, JT, and Edrisa entirely so she didn’t have to deal with their platitudes and pleas for her to stay on with them. She knew she could easily transfer to another precinct, join another department there, and be just fine. No, it wouldn’t be Major Crimes but if she couldn’t trust her team or their judgement, what was the point of staying? Of course, Gil had seen the papers on her desk, then he told JT about them who told Edrisa which had resulted in increasingly irritating efforts to get her to stay, culminating in Gil and JT cornering her in the conference room and holding something akin to an intervention.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So you don’t think you can work with Bright anymore?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, Gil. He claimed he wanted to be my friend then froze me out whenever something important was going on in his life. I trusted him with my past, ugly stuff and all, and I tried to be there for him with Watkins, with Dr. Whitly, with everything that happened with Eve, with all the stress I could tell he was dealing with over the past few months. I asked him time and again if he was okay. I reminded him that he could open up to me, that he could trust me too and he lied to my face! To both of you, to Edrisa, to everyone save his father, the serial killer! So how— how can you both forgive that so easily?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>JT sat down across from her, “Because he made a mistake Dani, he fucked up and he knows it. Hell, the kid’ll probably feel guilty for that for the next few lifetimes over but it wasn’t something done out of malice. All he wanted was to protect his baby sister and he knew, he knew that if he told you, he’d break your heart forcing you to choose between bringing him and Ainsley in and staying quiet to protect them.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Gil nodded in agreement, “What would it take for you to be okay to work with him again? JT and I wanna take him back on, he’s a good kid and probably the best profiler in the city but it shouldn’t have to be at the cost of you.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s too late for that. I know tomorrow is his first day back but it’s also my first day of PTO. I’m taking a week then I’ll be gone. There’s paternity leave opening at SVU I’m taking. I can’t work with him right now. God, I don’t even want to see him. I’m transferring for at least the next two months, maybe three and after that, maybe I’ll be ready to give him another chance.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>JT was about to say something when Gil interrupted, “Okay, you take the time you need to get back to a place where you’re open to working with Bright again just…don’t be afraid to come back once you do. You’re our team Dani, our family, we don’t wanna lose you for good over all this.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s what she did. She worked at the 77th down in Brooklyn, and for three months she was free of Bright and all the baggage he carried with him. She went to JT and Tally’s to see Junior, met Gil for coffee and lunch a few times, and texted with Edrisa, all of whom were wise enough to avoid work-related topics though JT did occasionally text her complaining about her replacement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure, she missed Major Crimes but she liked her new division and her new team and, it was certainly a plus that the precinct was a block away from an amazing tea shop that she quickly became a regular at. Three months ended up feeling like three weeks and it wasn’t long before her boss called her in and told her in no uncertain terms that she had loved having Dani, but that her former Captain and Lieutenant had requested she return to Major Crimes, so she packed up her desk on Friday and started to mentally prepare herself for the shitshow that Monday was sure to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was the Angie Carter murder that had started all of this, she wondered what would’ve happened if SVU had offered her a position or if she had chosen to transfer to a different unit, or if she had…Dani squeezed her eyes shut and dropped her head into her hands, it did her no good to dwell on the past. Besides, at some point she had to stop reminiscing and go back to the crime scene for Edrisa’s initial findings so she wandered back, trying to figure out how exactly to face the man who had just admitted that he loved her and likely had for a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She decided to climb the stairs to Elise Mitchell's fourth floor apartment, giving herself more time to think, but not nearly enough. By the time she got back Gil, JT, Edrisa, and Bright were all standing around the body clearly waiting for her and unfortunately Bright and his beautiful blue eyes were the first to notice her return, though Edrisa was the first to comment on her hasty exit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani! Everything okay? You ran out of here like a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Desmotus rotundus</span>
  </em>
  <span> out of hell.” She chuckled at her own joke which even got a small smile out of Bright, setting her off more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine Edrisa. What were your findings.” Dani wasn’t proud of her clipped tone but she just wanted to get the attention off of her and onto the body as quickly as possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, okay,” Edrisa sounded disappointed in her response but relayed her findings as requested, “time of death was about an hour ago, which tracks with the timeline laid out by the friend who found her and the cause was, obviously, multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen. You can see here where the witness tried to stem the bleeding with her coat but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Edrisa went on, she could feel Bright’s eyes flitting between her and the body, trying to figure out what had happened while he was still interviewing the vic’s friend which meant maybe he didn’t know that she had overheard their conversation which was very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> good. Now all she had to do was make sure he never found out that she knew about his feelings for her. Granted, she was positive he’d figure it out eventually, but as far as she was concerned, the longer she could avoid that incredibly awkward conversation, the better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tuned back in just in time to hear Gil giving out instructions “JT, stay here and canvas the building tenants, hopefully they saw someone. Dani, supervise the crime scene techs for evidence collection and clean up then meet us back at the station when you’re done. Bright, you’re with me, we’re headed back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unconsciously she felt the tension she’d been holding in her shoulders dissipate with every step Bright took out of the apartment. She felt horrible thinking like that; they’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> gotten back to a place where they could be friends again just as they were and now she’d be dealing with this giant wrench he’d unknowingly thrown into their relationship. For once, she could look at him and know more about what he was thinking that vice versa and she hated it. Oh, and she’d promised Gil that she would talk to him about what had just happened at some point. Well, that was just perfect, wasn’t it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, there was the subject of her admittedly complex feelings for him and…nope, no, absolutely not. She would not be touching those with a ten-foot pole, not today, not tomorrow, possibly not ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And to think, she’d woken up thinking today would be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span> day.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>re: The Apology, it will be referenced in lil pieces and told in its entirety via flashback in a future chapter just...patience, i'm churning these out as fast as i can between work and life and such but anyways, thanks for all the incredibly kind comments and for reading this in the first place, i hope everyone is staying safe &amp; healthy :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. conversation’s flowing further than every ocean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>malcolm tries to unpack what he’s feeling and does an okay job, gets lightly roasted, and gives an update to the profile</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the song is “we’ll be fine” by luz which, isn’t that really a mood for their whole relationship presently?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“conversation’s flowing further than every ocean // please tell me why this feels so right”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>we’ll be fine, luz</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Malcolm knew he was supposed to be working on revising his profile but sitting here alone in the conference room, he couldn’t stop thinking about his conversation with Kathleen Lang.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had truly surprised himself when his mouth had run before his brain and used the L-word. That wasn’t even a concept he had entertained in all the time he’d spent turning everything over in his mind. Love was something he had compartmentalized and put into a…well, a box, for lack of a better metaphor, in the back of his mind. Unfortunately, it seemed as though much like the previous, far more literal box of his childhood, this mental box was forcing its way to the front of his mind, refusing to be ignored. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was almost able to hear Dr. Le Deux’s voice in his head asking, </span>
  <em>
    <span>What comes first, Malcolm?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Okay, he could do this, put the feelings into a line, untangle them like a ball of yarn, and unpack everything one at a time. So what came first?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>First came…surprise. Definitely surprise. The words had spilled out of him like a leaky faucet, quickly and impossible to stop. He wasn’t even really thinking as he spoke, almost as if it was an out of body experience. Despite that, he knew that everything he’d said had been percolating just below the surface for </span>
  <em>
    <span>months</span>
  </em>
  <span> now. But, he was surprised that he gave voice to it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Second was relief, oddly enough. Relief at </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> just saying everything that he was feeling to someone who had no idea about the complex realities of the situation and the injuries and issues that they both carried. And, for all the heartbreak of Kathleen’s situation, it had at least proven to him that it was possible that he and Dani could still be friends. Sure, he’d be in love with her and that would be painful to an extent, but he was used to compartmentalizing and in the grand scheme of things, how could unrequited love stack up to all the other pain and trauma he’d endured? No, it would be okay, they would be okay and that was a relief too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If second was relief, third was fear. Fear as he remembered pieces of their conversation, his apology he’d given to her a little over a week ago in the blustery November wind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m so </span>
  </em>
  <span>so</span>
  <em>
    <span> sorry, Dani. I should’ve told you, I know I just…I’ve never had anyone like you in my life before. I didn’t know what it was like to have a best friend and I was so afraid to lose you but all I did was make it worse.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I won’t argue that.” She smiled sadly, “Malcolm you— you were the first person I trusted who wasn’t already like family to me. I cared,” She forced a breath out in a huff, “I </span>
  </em>
  <span>care</span>
  <em>
    <span> about you but if we’re gonna try and get back to what we were you can’t do something like that again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, I understand you don’t trust easy.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t. I am so, </span>
  </em>
  <span>so</span>
  <em>
    <span> terrified to let you back in but I want to try. You’re too important to me not to try and make this work again.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dani was terrified…of him, of </span>
  <em>
    <span>them.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Terrified to try again but she did it anyway because she believed it was worth it, that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> was worth it and for a moment that night he’d allowed himself to believe that too. But now everything about their relationship would be thrown off balance again. He’d already kept such an important secret from her once and he never wanted to do it again but this…he couldn’t tell her this, certainly not now, probably not ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was so overwhelmed with fear he almost completely missed the last feeling just below the surface of all the others: </span>
  <em>
    <span>hope.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was absurd to believe she’d ever feel the same way about him, he was well aware of that fact, but that couldn’t stop his mind from finding hundreds of little moments where he could allow himself to have hope. Moments that made him think </span>
  <em>
    <span>just maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span> like the way she’d caught and held and protected him after less than 24 hours of knowing him, the way she would smile whenever he presented her with a lollipop, the way all the crazy shit in his life didn’t phase her from his restraints to his serial killer father, the way her eyes would flood with tenderness at his endless ramblings, the way she’d said </span>
  <em>
    <span>goodnight, Malcolm</span>
  </em>
  <span> on one of the last cases they’d worked before everything went to shit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a ridiculous thought, but for whatever reason he couldn’t help but hear his father’s voice in his mind reciting the final lines of their favorite book; </span>
  <em>
    <span>the sum of all human wisdom is contained in these two words,—‘Wait and Hope.’</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>No matter how much he tried to turn that voice off, to tamp that hope down, it just wouldn’t go away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if all his own feelings weren’t enough to sort through, there was the way Dani had acted at the crime scene. He had no idea what had prompted her to return with that frightened look in her red-rimmed eyes that wouldn’t go away, but he wanted to know and he was hoping that she’d tell them. Perhaps she knew the victim; Gil had said that Dani lived a few blocks away so it wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility that they’d run into each other, especially if they both attended N.A. meetings in the area. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that didn’t make sense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If she’d known the victim why would she have specifically seemed to have been hiding </span>
  <em>
    <span>from them?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sure, Dani was a private person, but if she had something that important to share she would’ve at least told Gil but no, everyone had been as confused as he was at Dani’s sudden need for air. So what could… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got anything new for the profile kid?” Gil said, startling him. He had been so lost in his thoughts, in trying to sort through everything that he’d apparently completely missed Gil coming into the conference room and standing next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm? Uh no. But I was wondering, did Dani’s connection at the 77th ever pan out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing so far, she said she was probably misremembering something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tilted his head at that, “I don’t think she was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The face she was making when she first was talking about her theory for the Carter murder.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil looked back at him, utterly confused so he continued, unbothered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are several ‘thinking faces’ Dani has, the one she had on when she was talking about that specific case, it’s like…it’s like she’s putting a thousand piece puzzle together and she can look at the piece she’s holding and look at the picture on the box, but she has to wear a blindfold when she’s putting the two of them together. If that makes any…what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watched as the confusion on Gil’s face had changed to light amusement, “Sorry to get hung up on this one thing but Dani has more than one thinking face?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” he couldn’t understand Gil’s apparent amusement but he figured he’d go on anyway, “there are several. This one in particular is the one that means that there’s some detail about this case, some piece of evidence that she’s connecting back to something she’s seen before. The association, the feeling is already there, she just has to find the two separate threads and tie them together. She furrows her brow and kind of scrunches her lips up and to the right, when she does that to the left is when she’s annoyed with me or disagrees with what I’m saying but…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw as Gil tried and failed to bite down on the laugh that eventually burst out of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re laughing at me. Why are you laughing at me?” He was fully aware that he was pouting like a petulant child but still, he didn’t know what had set Gil off like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s going on in here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t heard JT come in but now there he was, watching as Gil lost it over someth— oh god. Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>no no no,</span>
  </em>
  <span> the last minute finally clicked in his head as he felt heat creep up his face. He needed to put a stop to whatever Gil was going to say as soon as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing, I just said something funny and Gil’s laughing and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>doesn’t need to tell anyone else</span>
  </em>
  <span> what he found so hilarious.” He said through gritted teeth, but to no avail, Gil steamrolled right on ahead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“JT, did you know that apparently Dani has more than one distinctive ‘thinking face’ and that Bright can identify and differentiate them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I can explain—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> she now?” JT sounded entirely too knowing for his liking, this did not bode well for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I observe everyone’s facial expressions to begin with, hazard of the profession, but for people I work with or interact with regularly I keep a running catalogue of their expressions and their physicality,” he said trying to keep his voice level, “it isn’t weird. It’s just a regular thing I do. It isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> because I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh dear god this was a disaster. He might need to think about a career change because his mouth was really doing a piss poor job of </span>
  <em>
    <span>consulting</span>
  </em>
  <span> with his brain today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It isn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> because you </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span> Bright?” JT’s tone had gone from knowing to fully smug. He needed some distraction, </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> distraction from this truly hellish conversation because he was about to—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything okay in here? Bright looks like he’s about to blow a gasket.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Okay, when he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> distraction he didn’t mean a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani</span>
  </em>
  <span> distraction, someone clearly had it out for him today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a rule he didn’t wish death on anyone other than Dr. Whitly, but he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> hoping that someone would smite JT or Gil right about now and make Dani forget that she ever walked into this conversation for good measure. Unfortunately, there was no act of divine intervention but Gil did seem to finally take pity on him which he </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> would be a good thing. He should’ve known he’d never be that lucky.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Apparently Bright’s been cataloguing all of our expressions” there was a strange lilt to his voice, that was never led to anything good, “and you have more than one ‘distinct’ thinking face.” Gil had the audacity to smirk at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If someone wasn’t going to strike JT or Gil down, could they at least burn him to a crisp?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully Dani simply rolled her eyes as she spoke, “And this surprises you? He’s been doing that since like day one. We used to talk about it when we were on stakeouts and JT, last time I checked you have either three or four different levels of pissed off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah,” his lips quirked into a small smile, remembering all the ridiculous conversations they’d had on stakeouts, “we’ve moved up to five in your absence and thank you. See, it’s not weird.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No Malcolm, it absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> weird but it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> kind of weird so it’s mostly endearing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani’s voice softened in a way that he couldn’t help but pick up on and she’d slipped; she’d called him by his </span>
  <em>
    <span>first name.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She rarely did that and never when anyone else was around. He could tell the moment that she realized what she had said, a slight flush blooming across her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, anyway,” she continued, ducking her head a bit and focusing intently on the notepad she’d pulled from her pocket, "I just finished talking with some of Elise Mitchell’s professors and they loved her. Her advisor in particular said she was brilliant, incredibly motivated, she knew about her history with addiction and said that, I quote, ‘it made her all the stronger and allowed her to have a level of empathy with others that was rare.’ I also met a few of her friends, confirmed that she ran regularly at Morningside Park, usually with a few others.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did they see anything? Anyone who was there on consecutive days or anything like that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> one of her friends said they clocked a guy who was eyeing them in a way that made her uncomfortable, and always seemed to be near the entrance and exit Elise used even if she changed it up. She started noticing him about two weeks ago and she’s coming down to the station to sit down with a sketch artist in about an hour.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do we have a preliminary description?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean yeah but it’s not great, male, early to mid-30s, five-ten to six feet tall, and he was always wearing a hat and sunglasses but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> she saw dark brown or black hair peeking out from the hat. Hopefully once we see it on paper someone’ll recognize him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about the note, Bright?” Gil said, pulling the missive down from the board and laying it on the table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When the police get here, please ask for Lt. Gil Arroyo, Det. Daniela Powell, Det. JT Tarmel, and their profiler, the enigmatic Malcolm Bright, née Whitly. She is #14, it would do you well to catch up to me sooner rather than later or you might not like what you find.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The way he writes is cocky, he uses first names and full names at that. For Gil that isn’t too impressive, you’re a decorated Lieutenant who has countless years on the force, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> you arrested The Surgeon. Dani’s is a little stranger because well, you never use Daniela unless you absolutely have to. Even your business cards say ‘Dani.’ The only thing I can think of where I’ve seen your full name is when you have to sign it for your police reports so his knowledge of that is both a show of his own skill and a little detail that perhaps he knew would annoy you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani frowned rather aggressively, “Well he certainly succeeded.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am curious though, why </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> you hate ‘Daniela’ so much?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright,” Gil gave him a </span>
  <em>
    <span>look,</span>
  </em>
  <span> “is that relevant to the case?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, sorry, later though.” He promised, narrowing his eyes and unconsciously feeling a smile cross his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Keep dreamin' on that one, Bright.” Dani returned his expression, her own smile sparkling in her eyes, “What about JT? How come he didn’t get full named?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s a little trickier”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How so?” JT seemed amused at his light frustration brought on by the omission of his name from the note.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well while I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>certain</span>
  </em>
  <span> your name is on file </span>
  <em>
    <span>somewhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s difficult to find. Not on your business cards, not on police reports, not anywhere online, not even on any social media which…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, you spent a night on the internet and social media stalking for JT’s name didn’t you?” Dani said, barely restraining laughter; he turned to Gil and JT only to see them clearly biting down laughs as well. Why was it today that he couldn’t seem to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? No,” he could feel the tips of his ears going red, just because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> done that one night at around 3 AM in a fit of desperation certainly did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> mean that everyone else had to know it, “no, absolutely not that would be a ridiculous waste of time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani just smirked at him, “Yes, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>would be,</span>
  </em>
  <span> wouldn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Anyway,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he makes a point to use full names where he can, if he didn’t put JT’s in it’s because he couldn’t find it or he knows it and just doesn’t care enough to include it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ouch, hurtful dude.” The man in question said, mockingly putting a hand over his heart, as though he’d been mortally wounded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm just shook his head and rolled his eyes before continuing, “All of this is a show of power, that he knows us and </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> is telling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like with you, right?” Gil said, drawing his attention, “Showing that he knows who you are, not only as our profiler but as a Whitly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly. He wants us to know that he’s on the same level as us, that he’s as smart, if not smarter than us. But the way he does it, there’s a feeling of inadequacy there.” The profile began to come together little by little in his mind, “So, we know he’s smart, we know he’s violent, but now we know that he’s patient—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid, he’s killed fourteen women in five months, wanna tell me how that’s patient?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not patient </span>
  <em>
    <span>generally</span>
  </em>
  <span> but he can be when it counts. In the past there’ve been short periods of time between murders but this time he waited nearly a month. That shows a restraint we didn’t think he had before. Also, if it were just about the act, he wouldn’t care that the case was kicked up the chain to Major Crimes, he would only care about killing and staying undetected. Instead, once he saw he got our attention he waited a while, to gain information about us before killing again then when he finally did, he reached out </span>
  <em>
    <span>by name</span>
  </em>
  <span> and gave us a challenge complete with a countdown clock that only he can see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t like any of this but most of all, I don’t like how smart he seems to be.” JT said with a sigh, muttering “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> it when they’re smart.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm couldn’t agree more with that sentiment. He knew that more likely than not there were more trips to Claremont on the horizon which were terrible on a good day but as they got closer to the new year and Ainsley’s impending release well…his father was crafty and he didn’t want to think about the lengths he would go to reach </span>
  <em>
    <span>his girl.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, JT, you keep looking for connections for other cases. The one good thing about this note is that he confirms that Elise Mitchell is indeed victim fourteen, that means we have five more cases we’re missing. Powell, you’ve got the sketch artist coming in soon so get her set up. Bright, we’re headed to Morningside Park to see if we can’t get some surveillance footage to review and so we can take a walk around and you can let me know if there’s anyone who sets off your spidey senses.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a good idea, he may already be staking out the park looking for his next victim.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.” Gil started to walk out the door before turning around, “But Dani, I wanna see you when we get back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded, a strange look on her face before heading towards the door but as she passed him, Malcolm caught her by the elbow. “I um, I just wanted to check and make sure you’re okay.” She frowned in confusion, “I mean at the scene you looked upset when you came back in and I was worried so I just…I wanted to make sure you were okay you know, as a friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh god, why had he added that last part? Now she would notice that he was acting weird and ask him about it and he wouldn’t be able to directly lie to her because she could </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell and…wait, she wasn’t meeting his eyes. Why wasn’t she meeting his—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I just needed some air. Something about the scene just got to me. Maybe it’s because it’s in my area or whatever, I don’t really know I just…yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, if you wanna talk though, I could always go for tea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gave him a small smile at that and it made his heart soar. “I know. Maybe tomorrow before work?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d love that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had no idea what look was on his face but she spent about thirty seconds scrutinizing it, finally giving him a soft, “Bye Malcolm” and leaving but not before he caught a look of surprise on her face as though she’d shocked herself by using his first name again. It was all very curious and he found himself wondering more about what it was that had set her off this morning. Suddenly, he realized there was one possibility that he hadn’t yet considered; maybe it wasn’t that she knew the victim, maybe it was that Gil had sent her to interview Kathleen while he was already talking with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was that she’d overheard their conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe she was spooked because she knew how he felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe she knew that he loved her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Much as he hated to admit it, it would make sense. Gil almost never allowed him to interview witnesses alone so he wouldn’t be surprised if once Dani had arrived, she’d been sent after him. But if that were the case, why hadn’t she interrupted the interview or confronted him once they got back to the precinct? Why had she let him go on about his feelings and just not said anything about it? Should he be the one to confront </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> about it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, definitely not and definitely not </span>
  <em>
    <span>now.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He needed more data, more information, he needed more time to observe, he needed to be absolutely sure that she’d overheard him before saying anything because if she hadn’t overheard it and he confessed…actually, no he didn’t even want to think about what would happen in that scenario.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil’s call of “Let’s get moving, Bright!” was enough to remind him where he was and what he was going to do. They were on a case, in the midst of catching a killer who was very dangerous and he needed to be on his A-game. This conversation like so many others of theirs would need to be pushed to the wayside for a bit. Right now, they couldn’t afford to lose focus.  </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the italicized quote from Malcolm and Dr. Whitly’s favorite book is obviously from The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas</p><p>i swear every time i start a chapter i'm like "it's only gonna be like 2.5k this time" then just....nope</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. like the feeling when you’re holding me still with your eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>there's some introspection, dani &amp; gil have a chat, and dani gets lightly roasted this time around</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>welcome to another case of "vio really thought this chapter was gonna be 3k, now look what happened," and again we've got “we’ll be fine” by luz</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“like the feeling when you’re holding me still with your eyes //  it’s as real as the stars that freckle the sky”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>we’ll be fine, luz</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sit down with the sketch artist had been as useless as she’d expected. The suspect her witness had ended up describing just ended up looking like a generic white Brooklyn hipster, beanie, square-rimmed sunglasses and all and the only strange thing about that was that she lived in upper Manhattan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she made her way up the steps to the precinct, Dani could feel her anxiety spike. She knew Gil and Bright were probably back by now which meant she’d be called into Gil’s office sooner rather than later and that was a can of worms she didn’t want to open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The problem wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk about this, she did, she just didn’t want it to be with the man who’d known Malcolm for the past twenty-odd years. If this were any other person she’d overheard it would be fine. In fact, Dani knew that under normal circumstances she would talk to Gil about something like this but this time she dreaded it because the moment he found out he’d be weird around the two of them then </span>
  <em>
    <span>Malcolm</span>
  </em>
  <span> would realize that something was wrong and it would only be a matter of time before he figured out what.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A quick glance around the bullpen showed that Gil and Bright thankfully weren’t back yet, so Dani stopped at her desk, opening the bottom drawer and pulling out two mugs and two tea sachets of Rose Earl Grey from her stash before heading to the break room. She went on autopilot as she filled the electric kettle and set it to boil, finding the honey that Bright drank with his tea and…oh my god she was doing it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She remembered JT telling her that when Bright first got back he’d make two cups of tea out of habit, one for him and one for her. Upon hearing it she’d thought it was ridiculous, but now she’d understood just how easy it must’ve been for him to just do it without even thinking and now here she was doing the exact same thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, Dani could add that to the long list of things about this day she needed to unpack although comparatively, that was pretty low on the list. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she set the kettle to boil her mind finally allowed itself to wander back to nearly five hours ago when she heard her friend, her </span>
  <em>
    <span>partner,</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell a complete stranger that he loved her. Hearing it in the moment was a shock to her system but now, with the time to process and look back on it…it was still a shock but maybe it shouldn’t have been. After all, as skilled as Bright was with pulling secrets out of others, he sure as hell couldn’t keep them himself. For him, his secrets were right there in his eyes and no matter how hard he tried, those luminous pools of blue always betrayed everything and despite her surprise the more she thought about it…they’d betrayed this as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were so many times she could picture in her head, laid out like a line before her; him holding down a landmine as his words stuttered to a stop, the way his eyes widened to dinner plates when he saw her in that oxblood gown, his smile when he told her </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the one he liked talking to, his hand over hers in the hospital, the lilt in his voice when he said that Goya was </span>
  <em>
    <span>quite the romantic,</span>
  </em>
  <span> the electric spark in their banter at the Claremont Library, every moment after he climbed out of that godforsaken elevator shaft as he looked at her with such tenderness and pain and longing and heartbreak. Even on the night she’d arrested him she remembered the way she’d fallen into his chest and he’d held her, wrapping his whole self around her and she’d felt warm and safe and something she could now define as </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Dani wasn’t sure how long Malcolm had been holding all of this in but it had to have been a while given the certainty with which he was able to say that he loved her and the confidence in her inability to feel the same way. She had to wonder when he’d figured it out for himself, when he realized that he just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew.</span>
  </em>
  <span> If it wouldn’t ruin everything she’d just ask, ask when his brain figured out what his eyes already knew, ask what had tipped him off; was it a single moment or everything all together? She wanted to know everything and nothing because it was easier for her to sort through his feelings rather than her own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And what were her feelings?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani thought that when she left for the 77th she would be leaving her confusing morass of feelings and emotions behind but here they were again. She had convinced herself that if she just ignored them, walked away from them she wouldn’t have to worry about processing them. She was </span>
  <em>
    <span>certain</span>
  </em>
  <span> that she’d never have to face up to what she said to Gil over coffee all those months ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What if he takes up the same space in my life as he did three weeks ago but without any secrets? I don’t know what happens then and I don’t think I can risk it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yet she </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> chosen to risk it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, Gil and Captain Thomas had asked for her back and SVU didn’t need her anymore but that didn’t mean there weren’t other units. If she had wanted to truly put anything and everything Bright behind her she still could have. Whether or not she realized it at the time, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> made a choice. So now they were back on track to being what they were which was…what exactly? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> the space he’d taken up in her life all those months ago? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A friend, to be sure, a </span>
  <em>
    <span>partner,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but there had been moments that felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>different,</span>
  </em>
  <span> that felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>charged</span>
  </em>
  <span> with something she couldn’t quite place. It was as though their world was tilting a little bit everyday and by the time they’d noticed, the floor had become the ceiling. Yes, that seemed to be the place they’d returned to since deciding to be friends again but that place wasn’t friendship. That place was one where the way they’d acted in the conference room a short while ago, the way they’d been almost flirting felt like second nature. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was strange and terrifying and electrifying and she still didn’t know how she felt about it but at least she knew she wasn’t alone in it. Maybe she wasn’t in love but she…the whistling of the kettle stopped her thoughts where they were as she concentrated on preparing the mugs and making her way back to her desk without tipping any of the boiling liquid onto either of her hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil’s office door was open now and she could see Bright hanging up his coat so she’d have to go in soon but at least she’d been given some more time to sort through the thoughts endlessly rattling around her head. Everything was so loud, so busy and perhaps it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>completely</span>
  </em>
  <span> calm now, but everything was settled enough that she felt she had a fighting chance at articulating her thoughts and feelings to Gil. Dani set the mugs down on her desk and waved Bright over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I made tea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see that,” he tilted his head when he noticed she’d made tea for both of them, “how’d you know when we would get back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t. I wanted to make some for myself and just grabbed two mugs, my brain kinda went on autopilot for a second I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, muscle memory is a very powerful thing. And you made us…” He sniffed the tea, “Lady Grey?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pursed her lips, trying to hide an amused smile, “Rose Earl Grey, actually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How— </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> can you tell the two apart?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright, I can’t believe I have to be the one to tell you this but roses have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> distinctive smell. C’mon you’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> given a partner roses?” She was absolutely toeing the line but he had all but walked into it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t say I have.” As her face scrunched up in confusion he smiled, almost bashful, “I don’t know if this isn’t abundantly clear but I don’t really </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> long-term relationships. One of my partners was allergic, another said flowers were “too sappy” for her, and Eve was still avoiding me because of the whole knife incident during Valentine’s Day so…” He shrugged, a sad smile on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you have a partner now, I’m sure she’d love to get roses.” She almost stopped herself right there because </span>
  <em>
    <span>what on earth was coming out of her mouth?</span>
  </em>
  <span> But something possessed her to keep speaking and Malcolm looked as shocked as she felt, “I mean, Valentine’s is only what? Two months away? I’ve never gotten roses for V-day but I can’t say I’d hate it. You could make it a whole office thing, I’d love to see the look on JT’s and Gil’s faces if they came into work with roses on their desks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took him a minute to recover before he shot her a teasing smirk, “Yeah I’m sure JT especially would lo—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Powell!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil’s shout startled the both of them and she was certain that her tea was about to spill all down the front of one of her favorite blouses until she felt one of Bright’s hands steady her elbow and the other rest lightly overtop her hand curled around the mug. She looked up and his crystal eyes were far closer than she’d expected. She heard his breath hitch and without thinking, her eyes shot down to his lips and when they returned his pupils had dilated slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Okay, what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> was happening right now? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looks like it’s time for the principal's office.” His voice was breathy and all she could do was swallow thickly and nod as they moved away from each other and she got up, leaving for Gil’s office without a single glance back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boss.” Dani closed the door behind her and went to sit across from Gil at his desk, holding her mug close and letting it’s heat warm her perpetually cold hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So Powell, wanna tell me what happened at the scene earlier?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything in her was telling her to run in the opposite direction but she had to talk this through at some point and well, there was no time like the present. “Did Bright tell you about his interview with Kathleen Lang?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only what we heard at the scene and what he briefed me on during our car ride back to the precinct, why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani ducked her head, chewing on her lower lip as she fidgeted with her rings, “Well when you asked me to go find and interview the witness I…I found him talking to her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kinda figured that but what about it spooked you </span>
  <em>
    <span>this much?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani, I haven’t seen you like this in well…ever I don’t think.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a shaky breath and squeezed her eyes shut then averted them to the ground as they opened, for whatever reason she knew that if she looked at Gil there was no way she’d get all this out and she needed to get this out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…I got lost in the apartment and when I finally made it to the kitchen where I heard their voices and before I went in something made me stop. His interview style sounded…different than usual and I wanted to know why so I stood in an alcove just outside the door. They—” she felt her hands begin to shake and curled them into fists, “they were talking about feeling unworthy of love, of being afraid of ruining the person you’re in love with, of feeling like a burden to them, of being afraid to tell them how you feel, of being too broken, of being…afraid that you’ve missed your moment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice dropped to a whisper as her eyes bore holes into the ground, “And he said that he understood what it was like to know and love someone like Elise. How it felt to love someone so much that it hurt. But how, even though it hurt, he’d rather love her from a distance than not at all,” somehow her voice got even smaller, “even— even if he had to see her every single day.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Against her will she felt a tear slip down her face and she quickly wiped it away before she finally looked up at Gil who was looking at a picture frame on his desk intently. She knew it was the one of him, Jackie, and Malcolm at Malcolm’s college graduation and he looked at it like he was trying to see into Bright’s brain, as though he could glean some new information from an old picture. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew that something had happened, that something had shaken him at the scene when we got back to the car but I didn’t think it was…that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you know?” Her voice was barely a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was pretty sure. I mean, I’ve known Malcolm for over twenty years and subtlety has never been one of his strong suits. It’s why he’d be terrible undercover, you can see everything in his eyes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you can.” She let out a humorless laugh, “I think I knew what it was. I just didn’t wanna see it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you did too. You know Jackie would be absolutely losing her mind right now.” Gil said it with a smile and she knew it was meant to cheer her up, to lighten the mood, but all it did was make her feel worse. Of course, he noticed and his brows furrowed in confusion, “Dani, what is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do I do Gil? I just got him back, I just got </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span> back and now…what do I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, what do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no idea,” She took a long sip of tea, “I feel like a coward, but I don’t know if I want to do anything right now. I’m…” her voice dropped to a whisper, “afraid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t make you a coward, Dani.” Gil got up and walked around his desk, sitting down in the chair next to her, “It makes you </span>
  <em>
    <span>human.</span>
  </em>
  <span> You’re allowed to be confused and frustrated and afraid about these things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logically, she knew that but in actuality…fear was unacceptable. She was a Black, female cop, fear wasn’t something she could afford to let herself feel, fear was something that could get her killed. The moment she joined Gil’s team she knew that fear was a feeling to compartmentalize and shove into the back of her mind. Now it was back, swallowing her whole and she didn’t know what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just…I feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>something.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I just don’t know what it is or how to define it but I can’t ignore it. The problem is, he’s so concerned that his issues will hurt me he hasn’t even considered that mine could hurt him. Malcolm is such a good person, he’s so…ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, </span>
  <em>
    <span>bright</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I’m not and I don’t want to drag him down with me. He doesn’t deserve it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil’s eyes widened and his mouth opened and closed a few times, as he tried to find something, anything to say but coming up completely empty. Suddenly, the door flew open and JT poked his head in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey boss I think I have another— oh, sorry Dani. Am I interrupting?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil started to speak when Dani cut him off, “Nope, all good here. Conference room?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She rushed out of the office, leaving a stunned Gil and JT in her wake. As she strode into the room, trying her best to leave the feelings she’d almost spilled out in the office behind, she caught sight of Bright surveying the whiteboard, his hands curled around his own mug. Their eyes met and she shot him a smile before something caught her attention. She hadn’t gotten a very good look at the scene between all the blood and the life-altering information that her partner was in love with her but now…“I think I recognize her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re just now noticing this?” JT sounded incredulous and very slightly peeved which given the situation was honestly, fair. Objectively, she’d dropped the ball this morning, even if it was 100% Bright’s fault that he’d wrecked her focus so much that she barely even heard Edrisa’s findings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s not like I got a good look at the body at the crime scene and we didn’t have a picture from the morgue yet so…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, why </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> you run at the crime scene?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could feel a hum of anxiety work its way through her body but just as she was about to give a stammering excuse, Bright interrupted the awkward silence. “Where do you recognize her from?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My coffee shop, usually I’m in and out but I went in to read and get breakfast one morning. She approached me and we chatted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously?” Gil asked. She could tell he was definitely miffed she'd missed earlier but the look in his eyes suggested that he was far more understanding of the situation, “When?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About a— no, it was a little over a year ago because it was about a month or so after we started working with Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bright tilted his head, the mention of his name piquing his interest. “What did you talk about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that relevant?” She said, remembering what had prompted their conversation and praying that he would drop this line of questioning. Unfortunately, he seemed to pick up on her avoidance of the topic and doubled down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Humor me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was reading something that she was familiar with,” she said, attempting nonchalance, “she saw the cover and came over.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What were you reading?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seriously Bright?” He just raised a brow and gestured for her to go on so she turned to Gil and JT to see if either of them would step in but they looked at her expectantly. “Fine,” Dani felt herself let out an annoyed sigh, “I was reading an old psychology journal. It caught her eye, turns out I was reading an article that she found really interesting, we talked about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why were </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> reading a psychology journal?” JT said, no malice in his tone, only genuine curiosity though she wasn’t sure why. They were detectives in a Major Crimes unit that seemed to attract the weirdest cases in the city, having a familiarity with psychology made sense. Of course, that hadn’t been why she was reading </span>
  <em>
    <span>that specific</span>
  </em>
  <span> article but he didn’t need to know that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well we had just started working with Bright and I have a few old ones around my apartment with articles on forensic and abnormal psychology that I really like going back to sometimes. There was one that…reminded me of him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” Bright looked equal parts surprised and suspicious which did not bode well for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m failing to see the relevance of any of this.” Gil said and, </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> decided to save her from the certain embarrassment that would occur if this line of questioning was allowed to go on any further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay I just have one more question then.” Malcolm narrowed his eyes at her so she mimicked him until finally a smug smile crossed his face. “The journal you were reading, it didn’t happen to be the Spring 2011 edition of the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, did it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She made the mistake of breaking eye contact with him as her cheeks pinked and he started laughing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Asshole.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When it became clear she wouldn’t reply, JT spoke up, “What’s special about that edition?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just that there’s a pretty stellar article called</span>
  <em>
    <span>Psychosis and Psychopathy and Psychopathology, Oh My!: A Case Study on Teaching Abnormal Psychology at the FBI Academy</span>
  </em>
  <span> written by a brilliant Georgetown Ph.D. candidate and FBI profiler named Malcolm Bright in there, ever heard of him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil let out a disbelieving chuckle, “Seriously, Powell?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh so JT can read a </span>
  <em>
    <span>whole book</span>
  </em>
  <span> by that absurd MindSleuth guy when he wants to understand Bright but I can’t read one scholarly article straight from the source?” Admittedly, it wasn’t her best defense but if she was going to get made fun of she sure as hell was going to bring JT down with her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never pegged you as the type to own and read psychology journals for fun.” Of course Bright hadn’t taken the bait.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, it’s not like I have a lot of journals just lying around, and if you </span>
  <em>
    <span>must</span>
  </em>
  <span> know, I had a psych minor in college, which is why I had them in the first place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait really?” His mouth fell open in genuine surprise before it morphed into the face always made when he’d just cracked a big part of his profile. “Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> many things about you just became so much clearer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I guess I can still surprise ya, huh, profiler?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shot him a smirk; the very least she could do after he threw her off her balance like that. What she wasn’t expecting was the way Bright’s eyes went wide at the combination of the newfound information he’d learned about her and her light teasing of him. She watched as everything processed in that massive brain of his and he looked at her with a new intensity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess you still can.” A flush to match hers crept across his face and just as she started to get truly lost in his whirlpool eyes a pointed cough snapped them out of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both Gil and JT were giving them strange looks which…fair enough. Given the exchange they just had, she could see how it had sounded like flirting and wait…was what they had been doing? Had they just been lightly flirting in front of their coworkers?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Children,” Gil said, rolling his eyes, “can we </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> get back on track? What did you have JT?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Another possible vic, Nina Moore, 27, found in her apartment near Hudson Yards in early September, seven stab wounds.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil marked the murder down on the map, “That would make her the third woman killed on the High Line. Is it safe to say we have a more concrete pattern, Bright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes and actually that makes it much easier to narrow down where to look.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So we have three women who ran in Central Park, three who ran on the High Line, and two women from Lower Manhattan, what’s around there Bright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you assume </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> have something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All three of them looked at him with varying degrees of ‘you've gotta be kidding me’ written all over their faces, but it was JT who actually voiced it, “You live in the Bowery bro, that’s your stomping ground.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, okay…” he hesitated, clearly trying to build the area in his mind despite there being a map a foot away, “there’s Washington Square Park and the Hudson—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“—River Greenway.” She finished for him. “If I were putting money on it, I’d say the Greenway is where they ran, it’s bigger and is the only park that covers Tribeca all the way up to the Village.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait” he shot her that adorably confused puppy look, “how do </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright, how many times have I driven you home? I take Houston to West then use Riverside Drive to get to my place in Morningside, it’s way faster than navigating through the city. The Greenway is literally right there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never wondered how the lady got home or if she got home okay? Damn Bright, I thought Gil taught you better than that.” JT shook his head in mock disappointment and she watched as the tips of Bright’s ears turned red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I…I suppose I never worried. I always figured Dani would get home okay, she’s an incredibly capable detective and can handle almost anything thrown at her.” He said it so matter-of-factly and so </span>
  <em>
    <span>warmly</span>
  </em>
  <span> and it was confusing the hell out of her. She would </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be pulled into another charged staring contest with their resident profiler, they needed to focus back on this case.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, um anyway.” Dani cleared her throat and walked to the map still laid out on the table, “The Hudson River Greenway runs from Tribeca up almost to Chelsea so we should be looking for cases in that area. What's next?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, keep looking for cases, JT, call the precinct that investigated Nina Moore’s murder and make sure to get all their reports and evidence, Bright and I have the surveillance feed from Morningside Park to go through.” Gil’s voice was deadly serious, “We need to get this guy. We’re two-and-a-half weeks from the new year and I'd like to get him before then. I don’t want to see him make good on his threat. Got it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three of them solemnly nodded at Gil and as they separated to go about their assignments, Dani couldn’t help but feel that pesky pit in her stomach return. It was like she was at the top of a roller coaster just waiting for the drop. This time though, she wasn’t sure what would send her hurtling down the rails first; this case or Malcolm Bright and his stupidly beautiful bottomless blue eyes.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1) i have no idea if a paper named "Psychosis and Psychopathy and Psychopathology, Oh My!: A Case Study of Teaching Abnormal Psychology at the FBI Academy" actually exists, if it does, whoops, lmk and i'll change it.</p><p>2) had to drop a reference to everyone's fave europol agent bc we know that jt absolutely read that book in an attempt to figure out bright</p><p>3) i would say i'm sorry for giving them increasingly tense ~moments~ but i think they're fun to write so...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>malcolm visits with ainlsey &amp; upon returning to the manor for dinner discovers some very interesting information</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the ts x brightwell ship is back bc for this chapter and the next we’ve got new year’s day by taylor swift</p><p>on this fine may day, this chapter and the next are wishing you a merry christmas and a happy new year</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“don’t read the last page, but i stay when you’re lost and i’m scared and you’re turning away” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>new year’s day, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt like a terrible brother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually Malcolm made it a priority to visit Ainsley once a week but with all the insanity of the last month or so he hadn’t seen her since Thanksgiving and now Christmas was three days away so yeah, he was a terrible brother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing that always struck him about Bellevue in contrast to Claremont were the hallways, oddly enough. Claremont’s hallways were labyrinthine, twisting and turning with dim lights and painted with a horrid hopeless beige color, while Bellevue’s were all straight lines painted a clinical white; it was organized while Claremont was chaotic. Yes, he was endlessly thankful that Ainsley was </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span> and not </span>
  <em>
    <span>there.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As he came to a stop just before Ainsley’s room to take a few deep breaths. He wasn’t exactly sure why but every single time Malcolm had come to visit he always felt anxious and he didn’t want her to see that side of him, not while she was still recovering. Mentally preparing himself and taking his mind off his nerves he turned the corner and knocked on her door, opening it at her shouted “Come in!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey stranger, long time no see.” Ainsley got up from where she was sitting at her desk to walk over and wrap him in a hug which set him at ease. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first month after she’d been committed Ainsley had been restrained so that the staff could be certain that she wasn’t a flight risk. He hated himself for it but he was almost glad he and his mother weren’t allowed to visit Ainsley for the first month because he didn’t think he could’ve taken seeing another member of his family in chains.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gestured at Malcolm to take the desk chair she’d just been sitting in while she moved over to sit cross-legged on her bed. “So what’s up? How’ve you been for the last month? Any cool cases? Any updates on that wacko serial killer you guys are after?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had to smile at that because there was the Ainsley Whitly he knew. The tenacious but caring reporter, determined to get all the information she possibly could, soaking it up like a sponge. “Okay so you just threw what, like four different questions at me? Which do you want me to answer first? I know you just saw Mom a few days ago so—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, but I like to hear how she is from you too. You know how mom can be; she puts up a good front but…I don’t know, I like to know that she’s doing alright.” She sighed and her shoulders slumped slightly, “I know it can’t be easy having me in here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s okay, Ains. I think dating Gil has been a really positive thing for her. I mean, it’s still super weird for me sometimes but she’s happier than she would be otherwise. She still misses you like crazy though.” His voice took on a teasing lilt, “I’m a terrible substitution for her favorite child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? Because I heard that you two have been spending your Tuesday mornings doing some mother and son art therapy.” He groaned and buried his head in his hands. “Oh c’mon Malcolm, you’re very good, Mother showed me some pictures of the still life paintings you’ve been doing and they’re lovely. I especially like the one of Sunshine you did. How did you get her to stay still for that long?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god, seriously?” He looked up just in time to see Ainsley burst out into laughter and in that moment his annoyance with his mother faded into the background because </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ainsley</span>
  </em>
  <span> was </span>
  <em>
    <span>laughing.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It had taken months for her to smile again and up until now he hadn’t seen her really, truly laugh at all. It made his heart soar </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> it gave him the perfect segue to something he really needed to speak with her about. “You seem like you’re doing better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” her laughter died down and a blithe smile grew out of it, “I think I am. I’ve had more good days recently and the nightmares don’t come as often as they used to. Dr. Shaw said she’s proud of my progress.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yet the staff told me you didn’t file your request to leave yet. Weren’t you planning on coming back home next month?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked down, fiddling with one of the rings on her fingers before looking back up at him and he already knew what she was going to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm I…I don’t feel ready.” She chewed on her lip, a nervous habit left over from childhood, as she considered her words. “I just am so scared to be out and around the city again. Even thinking of stepping foot outside of here makes me want to throw up a bit. I can’t go back to my job at ADN and no other network would hire me without an ulterior motive, I can’t even join mom in the socialite life because everyone would just be gawking at me the whole time. I don’t know what comes next and I just need to figure it out while I’m still in a place that feels safe and secure. Does that make sense?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah it does.” How could he not have considered that? Naturally she’d be afraid of assimilating back into the “real world” after her ordeal and as she got closer to being able to leave, the greater her anxiety would be and, “I…I didn’t even think about that, I’m so sorry. Does Mom know yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. It isn’t your responsibility to look at this clinically and consider every outcome. I’m family, not a case and I’m glad you don’t treat me like one.” She swallowed thickly “And no, Mom doesn’t know yet. I’m telling her when she comes to visit next week and, if you’re not too busy, I wanted to ask if you’d come with her. I love her but I’m a little scared of facing Hurricane Jessica alone on this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded, the anxiety of telling their mother something she wouldn’t want to hear was a feeling he was very well acquainted with. “Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> I will, Ains. I’m with you to help and support however you need.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, you’re the best big brother ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He scoffed, “I’m your </span>
  <em>
    <span>only</span>
  </em>
  <span> big brother.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what about it?” She said playfully, laughing again. “So anyway, back to you. How’s everything? I know you apologized to Dani, how’s she doing?” He wasn’t sure what gave him away, but a Cheshire cat-like grin appeared, “Okay Mal, what happened with her? Did you finally confess your </span>
  <em>
    <span>undying love?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> He went pale at that, his eyes definitely wide as dinner plates. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh. My. God!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Did you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N— no. Well, okay, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>really.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell does that mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So two days after I visited last we had another case, that ‘wacko serial killer’ you were asking about earlier murdered a woman but was interrupted by the woman’s best friend who was secretly in love with her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit, that’s so heartbreaking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” he stimmed his hand and took a deep breath, “anyway, I went to go interview her, alone, and things got…intense and we ended up talking about unrequited love and my feelings just kinda burst out of me.” At her shocked face he huffed out a laugh. “I know right. Of all the ways I mention that I’m in love with Dani, who would’ve guessed that I would tell a complete stranger before literally anyone else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I mean, it’s not like people didn’t already know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> know!” His eyes went wide as he shouted incredulously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hate to tell you this bro, but not only are you a shit liar but you also get these big ol’ puppy eyes whenever you see her or mention her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H— how would you know? You haven’t seen me around her in </span>
  <em>
    <span>months.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, bold of you to assume you </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> started doing that recently when you’ve literally been doing that since like, okay I don’t know if it’s been since day one, but I remember the first time you mentioned her at mandatory breakfast you got this little dreamy look. I was honestly surprised when you let Mom set you up, I’d just thought you’d just ask her out at some point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…uh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>really?”</span>
  </em>
  <span>  His voice cracked like a prepubescent boy as he felt his face go a deep cherry red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes!</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’m genuinely surprised you thought you were being subtle. You should know this by now, but you suck at subtle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean I knew, but you didn’t have to rub it in.” He mumbled, ducking his head before it shot up, panic etched across his face, “You don’t think </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani</span>
  </em>
  <span> knows do you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no idea, I don’t know her well enough but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> an excellent detective so I wouldn’t be surprised if she at least had a suspicion.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh, that’s it. I have to leave the state and find another team to consult with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh stop being so dramatic, I swear you’re as bad as Mom sometimes.” He almost interrupted with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> vehement, albeit very Jessica Whitly sounding rejection and…oh fuck she was right, wasn’t she? “Besides, if she was uncomfy with it I think Dani would say something. If she hasn’t, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> since she accepted your apology, I think you two are okay.” Before he could reply his phone buzzed with a text from his mother making sure he’d be at the manor for lunch and Ainsley looked up sympathetically. “Mom?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I’m so sorry I have to cut our visit short.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Make it up to me by coming next week </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> with Mom.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can do that.” He gathered his coat from the chair and went to hug his sister, “Love you Ains, so much. I’m so proud of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks. I love you too, Mal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a final smile he left Ainsley’s room and made his way back to the car that his mother had told him was waiting outside of the hospital. Sliding into the town car and watching the streets go by he thought about everything they’d talked about, lingering on her decision to stay at Bellevue for the foreseeable future. If it was anyone else, he would’ve expected that to be a possibility but Ainsley was his sister, a profiling blindspot so to speak, someone he didn’t think to profile and someone he’d been trying </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> to profile since hearing her admit that she thought he believed she was a representation of the ways he failed as an elder brother. In that respect, it was good he wasn’t expecting that he supposed. The car slowed to a stop and he made his way up the stairs, slick with snow, into the manor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Upon walking into the dining room of Whitly Manor, Malcolm was confronted with a relatively rare sight, a frenetic Jessica Whitly, which immediately put him on edge. His mother did not do loud, uncalculated bursts of energy, that was more his thing, so what exactly had set her off gesticulating wildly and…yelling at Gil? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even weirder, she didn’t look angry with Gil, just in a state of shock and confusion, it was deeply puzzling and though he tried to come up with things that would cause this kind of reaction, Malcolm was coming empty. Unfortunately, once the dining room door was closed behind him, her attention had refocused on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm Douglas Whitly, did you know too?” The genuine confusion he was feeling must have shown up clear as day on his face because his mother immediately turned back to Gil, her voice now more subdued and undeniably stunned. “She didn’t even tell him? Gil, why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked between the two of them somehow more at a loss now than he was when he’d walked into the room not thirty seconds ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, can someone please explain to me what the hell is going on here, please? Is something wrong with Ainlsey? I was just there but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil took a deep, long-suffering breath, “No, kid Ainsley’s fine but, remember how she got offered a plea after a source told the judge the prosecution had left important evidence out of discovery?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm nodded because of course he remembered what was probably the sole reason that his sister wasn’t sitting in a jail cell and that he was allowed to come back to the NYPD as a consultant. But, he also remembered that frustratingly, the source was anonymous. No matter how many motions he filed or how many times he bothered the Whitly lawyers, no one would tell him who the source was, it drove him absolutely mad until he had work to distract him again but now, “You finally found out who the source was?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil drummed his fingers on his leg, a telltale sign he was debating whether or not he should say what was coming next, which only worried him more. “Kid I’ve known all along but your mother found out after one of your lawyers accidentally left a copy of Ainsley’s plea out that had the source’s name on it. She didn’t want anyone to know, especially not you but it was Dani.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kept on talking but in that moment everything in Malcolm’s brain came to an abrupt halt as blood began to rush in his ears as his mind spun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be wrong. Of course he knew that  the Dani of today would do that but the Dani of three months ago? Definitely not. She’d told him that she might never be able to speak to or look at him again, sounding so unbelievably broken and following it up by telling him that she wished she could take everything she felt from him back. She’d been so angry and upset with him that she’d left for three whole months because she couldn’t trust him, couldn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>look</span>
  </em>
  <span> at him. No, there was no way </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani would do that, it simply didn’t make any sense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, to know that things were missing from discovery she would have to have been monitoring the case as it made its way from the NYPD up through the chain of command at the D.A.’s office all the way to when it was logged for the defense team to look at. How was he supposed to reconcile something like that with the completely understandable fury she’d harbored towards him? Sure, she had promised she wouldn’t railroad them, but what happened in the D.A.’s office wasn’t her responsibility, and he just didn’t understand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But why, Gil?” His voice was so small he almost didn’t recognize it as he looked across the table at Gil and his mother, “I don’t understand. Why would she do that when she was so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> angry with me? And why didn’t she tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid, she was angry, sure, but she was hurting too. Finding out everything about Endicott then…Malcolm you asked too much from her when you asked her to take that case and I know you know that and even though she was clearly the right choice to be the officer-in-charge, she couldn’t let herself feel anything. You didn’t see her, she kept everything shoved so deep down because if she didn’t, I think she’d have screamed her throat raw. I’ve never seen her that upset about anything in the five years I’ve known her and up until the July night she came here, I could count the number of times I saw her cry on one hand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gee thanks, Gil.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What I’m saying is that she wouldn't have been that hurt, that…” he paused for a moment, measuring his next words, “heartbroken if she didn’t care a whole hell of a lot about you. Even when she was angry at you, she couldn’t stand to see you and your family treated as an extension of Martin Whitly, which is what the A.D.A. seemed determined to do. Dani knew that everything both of you did that night was because you loved and wanted to protect your family, not because you hated Endicott.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm was so stunned into silence he almost didn’t hear his mother speak up, “Oh Gil, I’ve been so awful to her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Be that as it may Jess, she understands.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How can she? What must she think of me? God, how could I have been </span>
  <em>
    <span>so awful</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gil?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He vaguely heard Gil respond to his mother and he was glad that she was in the process of figuring out how to best apologize to Dani but right now he needed to be alone. Taking care to be quiet, he slipped out of the dining room and into the drawing room, the same room where he’d been arrested by her, and laid down on one of the couches, his head swimming with the new information. He felt himself steadily drifting off as he thought up ways he could show his appreciation, eventually landing on something he thought might just work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling!” His mother startled him awake so badly he nearly fell off of the couch. He righted himself and started looking around for Gil, wondering how much time had gone by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s Gil?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He got called in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why didn’t he—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because he got called in to sign some paperwork, honestly Malcolm. He only left about ten minutes ago and we barely started lunch so he’ll be back for dinner.” She said, a soft, happy smile on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, okay. Well, I should get going. Before I left for Bellevue this morning I was planning to do some last minute Christmas shopping for the team.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, but I’ll see you for dinner, yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes Mother.” He rolled his eyes but in truth, it was nice to be spending more time with his mother, their relationship hadn’t always been the best over the years so having it steadily improve as it was now made him smile. He went to leave the manor when suddenly, he remembered his last thought before dropping off into sleep and turned back. If he was doing this, it needed to be today. “Wait, Mother?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes darling?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you, um…mind terribly if I took something from the vault?” His mother’s head snapped up and he knew exactly why, he rarely borrowed from the vault and when he did, he surely didn’t ask. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s come to my attention that I still don’t have a Christmas gift for Dani…um, Detective Powell and I had an idea that’s quite possibly the worst idea I’ve ever had and I…well I wanted to run it by you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, go on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he described his idea to his mother he watched her grin slowly spread into an incredibly smug, knowing smile and, jeez maybe Ainsley had been right. Maybe everyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> know how he felt about Dani. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well darling, let me just say that I think this is an excellent gift for </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani, Nana Milton would be thrilled it’s being put to good use!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm truly wished he could sink into the floor but somehow he turned around, head almost held high, as he walked to the vault to get Dani’s gift, he pulled out his phone and dialed Gil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey kid, what’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I um, I need a favor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he told Gil his idea, he was certain that his adoptive father was making the same face his mother had not five minutes earlier. It was at times like these he wished he had a better poker face. The only upside to all this humiliation was the knowledge that both his mother and Gil thought that this was an excellent gift.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hoped Dani would think so too.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i got the mother/son painting idea from 209 because that was honestly adorable</p><p>i am team malcolm's middle name is douglas bc why give him a hot uncle if not to use that as his middle name?</p><p>yay for y'all bc you don't have to wait to learn what the gift is bc i really desperately wanted to upload these chapters back to back :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>it's christmas and new year's eve and that means time to find out what malcolm got dani!!!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>back atcha with it’s new year’s day again</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“don’t read the last page, but i stay when it’s hard or it’s wrong or we’re making mistakes” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>new year’s day, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After lunch, Gil had walked into the office complaining about how Jessica Whitly was making him go to a tux fitting with Bright for the annual Whitly New Year’s Eve soirée, that they were inviting the whole team to which meant she needed to find a way out. Over her dead body would she walk into that party in her oxblood dress from the Taylor Wedding to only have Malcolm look at her like he had that night multiplied by like probably a thousand now that she knew his feelings for her had gotten far more…</span>
  <em>
    <span>intense.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>No, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no,</span>
  </em>
  <span> absolutely the fuck not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t spend the whole night getting lost in those baby blues while he wore another well-tailored tux and a pocket square that would probably do something ridiculous like fit the color scheme </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> make his eyes pop at the same time, it would be undeniably hot and she would </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be able to deal with that. On top of all that, if at any point he was asked to hold Junior she would surely combust because if seeing him with a child at Thanksgiving had made her heart flutter, seeing him all dressed to the nines would…hold on, Junior. That was her ticket out. Oh, she would come back and deal with the part of her traitor brain that thought of Bright as hot and equated him plus a baby to body-combustingly attractive, but first she had to talk to a man about an excuse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She intercepted JT as he made his way from the breakroom back to his desk and decided to jump right in, “So, are you and Tally going to Jessica Whitly’s party?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean her soirée? Tally really wants to but we have to find a sitter so we’re not sure if—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll babysit, I’ve wanted to spend more time with Junior lately and Tally deserves a nice night out in a fancy dress.” The words shot out so fast that any veneer of subtlety her words had before was definitely gone now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, be a little more eager, Dani” JT said dryly, “if you want to keep dancing awkwardly around Bright the same way you have every day since the Mitchell crime scene, you don’t have to hide it from me. I’ll gladly take you up on your offer regardless of whether or not your intentions are pure, Tally desperately wants to see the Whitly mansion and Junior misses you. I’ll text you details once we have them finalized. And, if you wanna tell me what happened that made you so tetchy you know you can, right? I’ve come to love that stringbean but you’re like my baby sister, D and I’d choose you over him every time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ouch, JT tell me how you really feel,” Bright said from the conference room door, startling them both, “is everything okay though? If I have to get beat up by JT a little warning would be nice.” Dani rolled her eyes and smiled in a way that she hoped seemed playfully teasing but probably just looked fake, “Oh Bright, you’re always on thin ice with JT and one day you’ll learn that.” Malcolm raised a mock offended hand to his heart, “JT, c’mon man, I thought we were buddies now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT just shook his head at both of them. “I can do Monday, Wednesday, Friday with Dani and Tuesday, and Thursday, and every other weekend with Bright and if you two feel the need to duke it out more, go see Gil, I’m not getting in the middle of your little custody battle here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He must’ve heard his ears ringing because at that moment Gil poked his head out of his office door, “Nope, work it out yourselves, you’re both too stubborn for me and all of you take off early, it’s Christmas Eve, be with your families! Bright, I’ll see you later and Dani, a word.” She exchanged quick “Merry Christmases” with Bright and JT and popped into Gil’s office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil, I know what you’re gonna say so let me answer your questions for you; yes I’ll be fine but if I’m not I’ll call and I know Mrs. Whitly is wonderful but no, I don’t want to join you at the Whitly’s for Christmas Day. Anything else?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew her voice was laced with frustration but she was tired of having this conversation every year. Christmas just wasn’t the holiday for her and he’d been asking her the same questions for four years now. She loved Gil, but he needed to understand that she didn’t actually want to spend Christmas with anyone. Thankfully, he seemed to realize that she really wasn’t in the mood for their yearly lecture and dropped it, giving her a hug, wishing her a Merry Christmas, and telling her not to work herself too hard over the next week. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hah, as if. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Supposedly, Christmas was meant to be a happy holiday spent with family, but that hadn’t been the case for Dani since she was 16 and spent her last Christmas with her Mom and Dad in their small Bronx apartment. Four months later, her dad was gone, killed in the line of duty. She got six more Christmases with her mom, four in that same apartment, one spent alone in the ER waiting to hear why her mom had collapsed at the 11:00 PM Christmas Eve service the night before, and the last one in the same hospital eating shitty food and watching claymation Christmas movies while her mother fought a losing battle with ovarian cancer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She spent the next two Christmases undercover, both of them blind drunk, and one of them so high she barely remembered anything. After that, she put herself in holiday purgatory pulling double shifts at the precinct so at least some people could spend time with family. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There had been a few years where Gil and Jackie had stopped in to see if she wanted to come to their house for dinner but she always politely declined especially since it came with the anxiety of finally meeting the mystery guy Jackie constantly threatened to set her up with. Apparently he was working with the FBI as a profiler at Quantico but Jackie would always tell her “if Malcolm would just move back to the city already, I swear you two would be absolutely wonderful together, and I’d get to see my two favorite kids in love.” Looking back on it now, Dani couldn’t decide if she was glad or disappointed that she had never gone to Christmas dinner at the Arroyo’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then there was last year’s Paul Lazar/John Watkins saga, which was a physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, batshit crazy experience that she would be happy to never ever do again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This year, blessedly, was already on track to be much more relaxed; JT and Tally were having their first Christmas with Junior, Gil was spending the day Jessica and Malcolm, and she would be up to her ears in dusty old case files that she had volunteered to help digitize. The work was musty and tedious but the files were held on the top floor of the building so there was always natural light and, going through the cases was interesting, albeit a little depressing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she went, she kept two lists going on the notepad next to her; the first, a list of any cold cases that had weird murder weapons, strange suspects, or other odd details that piqued her interest, and the second, a list of cold cases to run against previous murders by The Surgeon. The lists would be her belated Christmas gift for Bright, along with his actual gift, his very own access card to the file room so that he could stop bothering the desk sergeant every time he had finished climbing the walls of his apartment and decided to try his luck with cold cases at the precinct at three in the morning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their team generally tended towards giving each other simple, low-key gifts at some indeterminate time between December 20th and January 1st. Dani and Gil gifted each other nice bottles of alcohol and called it a day. She and JT also usually got each other alcohol but since he had a new baby, obviously Dani got Junior some adorable onesies and JT five free babysitting passes for him to use instead. Edrisa’s gifts were always the strangest but best ones she got and in turn she searched for increasingly more complex puzzles, this year hitting the absolute jackpot finding a 3-D model of the human heart. Excitingly enough, since this was Edrisa's first Christmas with Jo, the two of them had made everyone mugs and hers, well, hers was all black with glow-in-the-dark paint that said “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my luminol” on it. It had to be her favorite gift of all time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had absolutely no idea what to expect from Bright or when to expect it so ironically it came just as she was within spitting distance of the end of the Bi-Br case files. The last case she had filed? The murder or a young woman, named Mira Bright. Dani laughed out loud at that while jogging down the stairwell and trying to guess the average amount Bright spent on gifts for the precinct, currently she was sitting at $140 so when the desk sergeant handed her a small, light bag; she was both very surprised and </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> nervous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani elected to take the elevator back to the file room and check her messages in an effort to distract herself from agonizing about what was in the bag. She saw three that caught her attention immediately, a picture of the heart puzzle, half-finished, from Edrisa and Jo, a picture of Junior surrounded by the onesies she had gotten him, and a picture from Gil. The picture was of Bright and Jessica next to a Christmas tree in what looked like Gil’s living room. Bright was absolutely beaming at the small card in his hands while Jessica was smiling, mid-eyeroll, at him. The message that accompanied the picture made her softly laugh:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He loved your gift, I don’t know if Jess wants to hug the life out of you for giving him an activity to do when he’s bored or strangle you for giving him unfettered access to what she’s been calling the “murderous file room.” Merry Christmas, kiddo.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well, at least going through her phone had wasted the time it took to get back up to the “murderous file room” so she could open Bright’s gift alone and react in complete solitude.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Underneath the festive tissue paper, peppermint bark, and small bag of sugar cookies, Dani found a rectangular red velvet box. Jewelry. He’d gotten her jewelry. Her heart started racing. Upon gingerly opening the box, she found a golden oval-shaped locket on a delicate gold chain; when she opened the locket it felt like the floor had dropped out from beneath her. Nestled inside each face was a picture of her with her parents; on the left, Dani in her father’s arms, his police cap on her head and his badge in her hand, on the right a picture with her mother at college graduation, one of the last pictures where she really looked like herself before her health took a turn. Tears threatened to fall as she relearned what overwhelmed felt like, almost missing the small note that had fluttered out of the box. She swallowed back her tears and read: </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Right about now you’re probably starting to think about murdering me for disregarding your “spend what’s considered a normal amount of money by my standards or don’t get me anything at all” rule but don’t do that before you read this note!!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So, technically I did follow your rule. I asked Gil for the photos of your parents and got the locket from our family vault (Mother approved and told me that none of the Milton’s would miss it!) so all in all this gift cost $1.75 to print two photos from my local Duane Reade. And before you ask, no, a Milton didn’t even purchase this gift, my great-grandmother’s fiancé bought it for her as an engagement gift </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>before</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> they were married and he was a Ford so he could definitely af-Ford it :)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I really, really hope you enjoy it and that maybe I’ll see you in it on New Year’s Eve!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>x M. Bright</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>P.S. please send a picture of it our way when you get it, Mother requested that she see it on you as soon as possible and who are we to ignore the whims of Jessica Whitly?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Well okay, she had a lot of questions, almost all of which could be boiled down to the following: Why had he given her a family heirloom that was originally an engagement gift and signed his name next to the universal sign for kisses? And, did he honestly think the a Ford/afford play on words was funny? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She almost asked herself what would happen if she refused to take it but that thought left her head almost as soon as it entered because honestly, this might be the most meaningful gift anyone had given her since her parents had died and Bright well, he was Bright, so he’d insist she keep it too. So, she delicately slid the necklace out of the box and clasped it around her neck, using her phone camera as a mirror and feeling overwhelmed all over again, she took a selfie, then fired off the photo and a short message of thanks to Malcolm, avoiding the topic of New Year’s Eve entirely. Of course he just had to react to both the photo </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>the message with the iMessage heart reaction and nothing else which cleared up absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>After that, the rest of her week was completely monotonous. She watered her plants in the morning, picked up a large Earl Grey from the cafe near the precinct, spent her day in the records room, went home and tried a new recipe from her father’s old cookbook, curated a new Spotify playlist for the next day, and read for a while before falling asleep. The repetitive nature of her days was actually kind of soothing after the insanity of the last year, it was quiet, peaceful, even.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honestly, the most exciting thing that happened was getting a text from Salome, one her friends from SVU, asking if she wanted to get drinks with the unit she had worked with sometime later in January. She was definitely looking forward to that, Dani had told them a few things about why she had left Major Crimes and she was absolutely certain the girls would have questions, particularly about Bright and after this week, she could definitely use some advice that didn’t come from people who knew him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On New Year’s Eve, Dani left the precinct at 6:00 PM sharp to go home and get ready to stay over at the Tarmel’s with Junior. There were already a lot of visibly intoxicated people crowding the street as she walked up to JT’s apartment building and she thanked every deity above that she hadn’t decided to work the New Year’s Eve shift; she’d done it before and it was far and away one of the worst experiences of her life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was buzzed up and greeted by a very stressed JT holding Junior in his arms and not even a little bit ready for a black tie soirée. Dani exchanged her go-bag with JT who gave her Junior, dropped her bag on the couch, and rushed back into what looked like his and Tally’s bedroom to change as she began to animatedly babble back and forth with the baby. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently, she was a “natural nurturer,” or so her mother, friends, coworkers, and near about everyone who interacted with her for about five minutes told her and well, they weren’t wrong. Despite how condescending it sounded sometimes, especially coming from her male colleagues, it was a good quality and an underrated one in her line of work. It made her good with witnesses who were traumatized, bereaved friends and family members, and the victims she had interacted with in her time at Narcotics and SVU. They opened up to her and were honest with her because her empathy both seemed and </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> absolutely genuine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It also made her phenomenal with kids which was why even though Tally’s best friend and JT’s little sister were technically Junior’s godparents, she still got to be Auntie Dani, Junior’s honorary godparent in the city. She sat with him on the couch she’d be calling her bed tonight and bounced Junior who made a grab for her necklace just as Tally walked into the living room wearing a beautiful plum evening gown and carrying her shoes, coming to sit down next to them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tally you look stunning, the dress and the hair and the makeup, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>mwah”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani made a chef’s kiss gesture, “and you’ll have to tell me how you get your eyeliner so even because I can almost never get it like that and— sweetie no, please take that out of your mouth.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gingerly removed the locket from where it was fisted in his tiny fingers and was about to hide it under the neckline of her sweater when Tally held her hand out towards it, stopping just short of the chain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“May I? It’s such a wonderful piece, was it a Christmas gift?” Dani nodded and ducked her head, trying not to blush which of course, Tally clocked, “So it was, and was it from an admirer?” Her cheeks only flushed brighter, “Dani Powell who is he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani rolled her eyes, “Tally, I love you, but you’re JT’s wife and that means if I tell you either you’ll tell him or he’ll figure it out which is absolutely not what I want happening right now because you know he’ll go all big brother JT on this guy’s ass.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go all big brother JT on whose ass?” Of course </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the moment JT would finally decide to be ready to go. Just her luck. “Ooh, does Dani have a crush?” He saw the locket in his wife’s hands, “Did you meet a guy? Is he from the 77th? Or have you been hiding some long-term boyfriend? Because damn that is some nice, boyfriend-level jewelry. Also, perhaps most importantly, I do believe that necklace is a locket. So D, what’s inside?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani sighed and tucked a stray curl behind her ear, “I’ll have you know that no, I do not have a boyfriend that I’m hiding from either of you, nor am I dating anyone and the locket has a photo of me with both of my parents on the inside. That is all I’ll be saying on the subject.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tally turned and stage-whispered conspiratorially towards JT, “Here are the facts: Dani never denied having a crush on anyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>nor</span>
  </em>
  <span> did she deny meeting a guy, </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> she said she wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>dating</span>
  </em>
  <span> anyone, not that she wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>seeing </span>
  </em>
  <span>anyone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani groaned but Tally, undeterred, continued, “Both you and I know that jewelry that nice isn’t from someone you’ve only known for a short while, even if it is Christmas that looks expensive, even if the style suggests it’s an older piece which means…” Tally gasped and turned towards her, “Dani did he give you a family heirloom?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani shrugged and opened her mouth, about to try and divert the conversation when Tally latched on to the final piece of information that was sure to make this interrogation endless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The photos are of your parents? So this guy knows about your parents? We don’t even really know about them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Darling,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Tally turned towards her husband “you sure our dear Dani isn’t engaged or already married or something?” JT shook his head emphatically and both husband and wife turned towards Dani hoping she would crack.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani wished she could give a real answer, she really did, but any answer she gave would immediately come out sounding like bullshit or would give her, and by association Malcolm, away completely, something she definitely couldn’t have happening since they were about to spend the next five to six hours with the man. She was certain her face was bright red and giving off all the stress reactions of a subject lying in the interrogation room but she had to say something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both of you just leave it, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> she replied, “it’s not what you think. It’s not from someone I’m seeing or dating or in a secret relationship with, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> a Christmas gift, just an incredibly sweet, heartfelt Christmas gift.” JT and Tally were still eyeing her suspiciously, so she whispered, strained-sounding, “Please, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> leave it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Both pairs of eyes were still narrowed but the Tarmel interrogation team seemed like they were going to back off when Tally tacked on, “For now. We’ll leave it </span>
  <em>
    <span>for now</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani. You get some lead time for this one but this is a serious gift and we, as your designated older brother and sister-in-law, will hear about your suitor, hopefully sooner rather than later.” Tally finished with a flourish and plucked Junior from Dani’s arms, giving her the opportunity to bury her face in her hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After saying their goodbyes to Junior and reminding Dani of where everything she’d need lived, the Tarmel’s made to leave but not before Tally turned towards her, a thought occurring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, JT” she said mischievously, “the rest of your team is going to be at this soirée including the good Mr. Bright who I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
  <span> will be able to give us some insight on Dani’s paramour.” JT grinned like the cat who ate the canary as she shooed them out of the apartment and slammed the door behind them for good measure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Junior, I love you, but your parents, they are on thin ice right now little buddy.” Junior simply cooed in response, “You are absolutely right, my dear, it’s bath time, then bottle time, then bedtime.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s just what they did. Dani sang everything from her favorite jazz standards to slowed down, lullaby-esque versions of her favorite pop songs, sprinkling tales of childhood adventures, and a few rants about her confusing, ever-evolving feelings for Bright mixed in, all of which seemed to work well as the baby dozed off shortly after finishing his bottle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After putting Junior down and turning on the baby monitor, Dani made herself some tea and curled up on the window seat to continue reading </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wuthering Heights.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Before she had died, her mother, a dedicated high school English teacher of nearly 30 years, had given her a list of her favorite books and her grandmother’s collection of leather-bound classics which were proudly displayed on Dani’s bookshelf in her apartment. After the Taylor case, Dani found the list again and began to make her way through it starting of course with </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Count of Monte Cristo,</span>
  </em>
  <span> a book that was certainly not intended for children but was excellent nonetheless. As she sat, illuminated by the twinkling lights that decorated the Tarmel’s tree and living room, she found herself immersed in the words of Emily Brontë until Heathcliff’s plea to Catherine gave her pause,</span>
  <em>
    <span> “you say I killed you— haunt me then!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She was immediately reminded of Bright. She wondered if she had haunted him in the months following his arrest. Had the ghost of their friendship followed him around when he got back to work? Based on everything she’d heard from Gil, JT, and Edrisa, and overheard from Malcolm himself, it seemed that way, but what…her thoughts were interrupted by the buzzer going off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Tarmel’s window had a view of the front of the building and since they were only on the second floor, Dani could peek out the window to see who was there. It was a man in a fancy suit, luminous blue eyes made visible by the street lights, standing in the falling snow and looking up at the window, searching for any movement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the way the lights and the curtains were positioned, it was unlikely he could see her, but she didn’t move regardless, curious to see what he would do next. Luckily, it seemed as though he had made the assumption that she was asleep so Dani expected him to turn around and leave, but when had Malcolm Bright ever done what was expected of him? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, her phone started buzzing and the picture of Sunshine she had set as his contact photo filled her phone screen. Dani wouldn’t answer it, she couldn’t. In fact, she had explicitly done the most she possibly could to politely avoid him tonight and the more she mulled it over, the more she realized that it was because she didn’t know how to face him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know how she felt and once again she didn’t know how to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> around him and she needed to sort that out in an environment that was calm and quiet and absolutely free of any traditions that involved kissing at the stroke of midnight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, if being around Malcolm all dressed up meant that he would look at her with the awe and admiration that he had at the Taylor wedding combined with the intensity that had been in his eyes for the last few weeks, she knew they would be treading in dangerous waters. So she let her phone buzz until it went to voicemail and subtly cracked the window trying to listen to him over the consistent rumble of the city.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, hi it’s Bright. I suppose you’re asleep, or avoiding me, but we’re about two minutes from ringing in the new year and I really didn’t want to do that without talking to you. My thoughts have been really jumbled recently. I had a really intense interview with Kathleen Lang that made me…realize some things about you and I, then after that I found out about what you did for Ainsley and I think, for me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He huffed out a breath that she watched evaporate into the air and saw him start to pace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, you’re the reason she's at Bellevue and not Rikers, the reason I was able to come back to work instead of  jail time, you single-handedly kept my mother from going through the hell of a public trial again. You followed our case through every step of the process and went to the judge about the D.A. leaving information out of discovery even when you were so furious with me you couldn’t even look at me and I don’t understand it. I’ve had Gil try to explain it to me and JT and even Edrisa and I still don’t understand why you’d do that. Why you’d protect us…” his breath hitched, “why you’d protect </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice was barely a whisper as the ball began to drop on the old year and shouts and fireworks brought in the new.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you left Major Crimes because of me but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>came back.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Surely there was a reason other than Gil asking, right? You know you’re good enough to be with any unit in the city but you came back to ours, to me, and I just…I want to understand why you did what you did. Even if I wanted to try to profile you and find reasons why I’m not sure I could. You are an enigma to me Dani Powell and I wouldn’t want you any other way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could hear the fond smile in his voice, the affection, the…</span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> and it felt like someone had shot her with adrenaline, it almost felt like her heart could beat right out of her chest. She could see his hand trembling as he spoke and looked up towards the window one more time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Happy New Year Dani Powell, I know last year was a little rough, but I think I’m pretty hopeful for this new one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hung up and Dani laid her head back against the wall as she closed the window and watched Malcolm walk away, her heart beating out of her chest and before she fell asleep that night she opened up her messages and texted him, a smile on her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Happy New Year Malcolm, I’m pretty hopeful for this year too. </span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>“don’t talk to me before i’ve had my luminol” mug was low-key inspired by the my favorite murder cups that say “this might be luminol”</p><p>duane read is a popular cvs/walgreens-type store that you can find like every two blocks in nyc</p><p>this is the end of “part 2” of this fic in my mind, next up, get ready for the new year</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. don’t look backwards ‘cause now i see you here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>happy new year &amp; beginning of part 3!!</p><p>malcolm introspects, meets one of dani's colleagues from brooklyn, and they're called out to another crime scene</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>first off, thank you all for the incredibly kind comments and kudos and for reading this, i'm constantly floored by the idea that people are reading and enjoying this so just, again, thank you :)</p><p>the song is "waking up slow" by gabrielle aplin and ironically it's about someone realizing that they have feelings for their best friend as the relationship turns from platonic to romantic...sound familiar?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“don’t look backwards ‘cause now i see you here”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>waking up slow, gabrielle aplin</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Happy New Year Malcolm, I’m pretty hopeful for this year too. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Those eleven words had been running through his head on repeat from the moment they lit up on his phone around two in the morning and he was certain that by now they’d been emblazoned in his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was their first day back in the precinct this year and in the three days since he'd gotten that text he'd been trying to figure out what to say in return. There’d been a hum of anxiety lurking just below his skin since he dropped off Dani’s gift with the desk sergeant on Christmas Day but rather than going away like he’d hoped it would, it only became louder and even more present.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t heard from Dani since he’d gotten that text. In fact, he’d barely heard from her at all over the holiday aside from the photo of her wearing the locket which…well, it affected him far more than he’d expected it to. When he showed the picture to his mother, her eyes had gone wide as she smiled and gushed over how </span>
  <em>
    <span>beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani looked while Gil had just shaken his head fondly and told him to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>tell her.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He wasn’t sure what face he had made at that but whatever his mother had seen had encouraged her to consistently tell him that he should </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> consider taking Dani up to the balcony on the third floor of the manor on New Year’s to see the fireworks at midnight because it would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>secluded</span>
  </em>
  <span> and just </span>
  <em>
    <span>so romantic.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>In retrospect, perhaps telling his mother about Dani’s Christmas gift was a mistake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s he’d oscillated between anxiety and excitement over seeing her at their soirée so when she didn’t show up it felt like his brain was stuck between feeling like it was a letdown and a relief. When JT and Tally told him that she was babysitting Junior for the night a moment from the precinct a week or so prior flashed through his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’ll text you details once we have them finalized. And, if you wanna tell me what happened that made you so tetchy you know you can, right? I’ve come to love that stringbean but you’re like my baby sister, D and I’d choose you over him every time.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ouch, JT tell me how you really feel,” He said from the conference room door, startling them both, “is everything okay though? If I have to get beat up by JT a little warning would be nice.” Dani rolled her eyes and smiled, “Oh Bright, you’re always on thin ice with JT and one day you’ll learn that.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That conversation was about arranging to babysit Junior, wasn’t it? Dani had been planning to babysit from the moment she learned about their New Year’s Eve soirée but…why?  If it was about wanting to avoid him, then why respond to his voicemail and accept his gift?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t out of discomfort, the way she smiled in the picture she’d sent showed him that much. Besides, Gil had gone for coffee with Dani last week and she’d been wearing the locket around her neck and mentioned how much she loved it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe then it was out of…anxiety? But what did Dani have to be anxious about? She hadn’t told him to take the necklace back or been upset with him over price or content so surely </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> couldn’t be the reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had he shown his hand too much regarding his feelings? No that couldn’t possibly…wait. As he thought back to the note he’d added it felt like he’d been hit in the face. He had mentioned that the necklace was a gift from his great grandmother’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>fiancé</span>
  </em>
  <span> as an engagement gift and he’d signed a little “x” by his name hadn’t he? Yeah, if it were anyone else that would probably do it but if that had made uncomfortable she’d have returned the gift, she certainly wouldn’t be </span>
  <em>
    <span>wearing</span>
  </em>
  <span> it and she certainly wouldn’t be feeling </span>
  <em>
    <span>hopeful</span>
  </em>
  <span> for the new year.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What if she overheard you confess your feelings and is trying to figure out if she feels the same?</span>
  </em>
  <span> The voice in his head whispered. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What if that’s why she’s feeling hopeful?</span>
  </em>
  <span> He tried to stop his brain from falling into the rabbit hole of impossible scenarios but it wouldn’t stop. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What if she </span>
  </em>
  <span>does</span>
  <em>
    <span> feel the same?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Those intrusive thoughts hurtled through his mind at a breakneck pace and he was stuck asking himself if she hoped they were on a collision course moving towards each other at the speed of light too because if she </span>
  <em>
    <span>did—</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A voice pulled him out of his jumbled, anxious thoughts and he looked up to see a tall, raven-haired woman with piercing hazel eyes standing in the doorway. “You part of Dani Powell’s team?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded and got up to meet her, shaking the hand she held out and was met with a strong, confident grip. Whoever this woman was she had similar bearings to Dani; cool, calm, level-headed but still able to take charge of the situation at hand if need be. In the beat before she introduced herself he felt her eyes scan over him and he was met with the distinct feeling that he was being analyzed, profiled even.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Salome Laveau, I worked with Powell at the 77th. She asked me to run cases for y’all a while back? Well I found two that fit the parameters she gave me, Carly Hanson and Missy Shaw both from Downtown Brooklyn, both ran regularly on the bridge.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, wow thanks for catching that for us. I’m—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm Bright, right?” Taking in his shocked expression her eyes sparkled with amusement and one side of her mouth curled up in a half-smile. “She told us a little about her work at Major Crimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything came to a stop briefly and he tilted his head, confused. “She did?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not all that much. When Dani was assigned to us, all we knew was that she’d be here for at least two months and she was comin’ from Major Crimes. We figured that if she left Major Crimes willingly there had to be a good reason but we didn’t wanna pry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then how do you know who </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> am?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” her half-smile turned into a sly grin, “another detective who works with us is </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> into the society pages and she recognized Powell from some coverage of the Taylor wedding and was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> curious about her date so she asked who the ‘hot trust fund boy with the blue eyes to die for’ was.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened his mouth to respond but was so genuinely flustered that nothing came out. He could feel a blush creeping its way up his neck and when he met Detective Laveau’s eyes he noticed her smirk before continuing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm, Powell made a similar face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Anyway,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Detective Anderssen asked us that while we were out for drinks and Dani told us your name and that you’re a profiler before telling us, and I quote, ‘He screwed me. I trusted him and he screwed me and lied to our whole team but they wanted to take him back but I couldn’t so I left.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her imitation of Dani’s voice was surprisingly good but it wasn’t enough to distract him from the innuendo of the statement and </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> had him turning what he was certain was a violent shade of cherry red. He could hear the detective snickering at his clear embarrassment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it gets better, just as we’re all getting ready to tell her that you’re a dick for sleeping with her then breaking her trust and lying, Dani actually processed what she’d said and </span>
  <em>
    <span>yells,</span>
  </em>
  <span> ‘Wait, not sexually!’ in the middle of this crowded, bougie Brooklyn bar, all the while blushing very, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> heavily. It was fuckin' hilarious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no right way to respond to that story because anything he said would almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>immediately</span>
  </em>
  <span> give his feelings away and he had this uncanny sense that the woman was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>waiting</span>
  </em>
  <span> for him to speak so she could confirm said feelings. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying not to outright gape at her when saw Dani approaching the conference room, a bright smile on her face at the sight of her friend. At least the spotlight was off of him for the time being.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Salome! What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I finally found something for your case and I thought I’d bring it down myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were still looking after all this time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> I was Powell, I trust your instincts. It took as long as it did because the cases I found aren’t actually from the 77th, they’re from the 84th in Downtown Brooklyn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the two women made small talk, he noticed the level of comfort they seemed to have with each other and it made him smile. He knew that one of the things both he and Dani had in common was their professed inability to make friends easily but it was clear from her interactions with Detective Laveau that the two </span>
  <em>
    <span>were</span>
  </em>
  <span> friends. Even if the reason they met made a dull ache rise in his chest, it was tempered by the knowledge that her time away had actually been a good experience for her. He must’ve gotten lost in his thoughts for a second because after a bit he noticed that the two women were looking at him expectantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What were you saying? I’m sorry, I get a little lost up here” he gestured to his head, “sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No biggie, I just was telling Dani that Pippa would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>thrilled</span>
  </em>
  <span> to know that I met Malcolm Bright in the flesh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is she the one that’s obsessed with the society pages?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh you did </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell him about her, did you?” Dani whipped her head to the other woman, the hint of a blush appearing, “Trust me Sal, if there’s one thing Malcolm doesn’t need, it’s for someone to inflate his ego.” She said, jokingly rolling her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” He pouted at Dani and out of the corner of his eye, he caught Detective Laveau’s eyes widen and her smirk turn into a smile. He no longer had to worry about trying to hide his feelings for Dani because he’d just given them away in a second. Ainsley was right, he was about as subtle as a sledgehammer when it came to all things Dani Powell. “My ego is fine just as it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure it is Sherlock Freud, you keep believing that.” She gave him a teasing smirk but her eyes were filled with nothing but the utmost fondness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just then Detective Laveau’s phone chimed with a text. She checked it and frowned slightly. “Sorry Dani, Bright. We just picked up a case, I should head back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it was a pleasure meeting you Detective Laveau.” He held out a hand for her to shake as he spoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, call me Salome. And it was nice meeting you too, you and the rest of your team should come out with us for drinks some time.” She looked at Dani with a glint in her eye and a raised brow, “I’d love to get to know you better and I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>plenty</span>
  </em>
  <span> of stories from Dani’s time with us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god, don’t encourage her Bright, she’ll spend the whole time interrogating you, you’ll never get a second of rest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he shrugged and tried to sound nonchalant despite the fact he was almost </span>
  <em>
    <span>certain</span>
  </em>
  <span> there was a smug smile painted across his face, “I think I’d have a pretty good time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was great to see you again Dani. We’ll figure out a time for coffee, yeah?” Dani nodded and he watched as Salome gave her a smile and a one-shouldered hug, “It better be soon Powell, I think we have a lot to talk about.” She winked and left the room as Dani rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d had questions about her time at the 77th but now, after meeting one of her fellow detectives who she considered a friend, he had </span>
  <em>
    <span>so many</span>
  </em>
  <span> more. Unfortunately, JT chose that moment to poke his head into the conference room looking deeply troubled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“JT what’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just got called onto a case in Harlem. An anonymous tipster called in, gave us an address and said, ‘She’s number fifteen’ before hanging up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart dropped. After about a month without a murder by their killer, he was beginning to hope that perhaps he was done, he’d satiated his desire and would lay low until they caught up with him. Naturally, he knew that that would never happen, but a guy could dream, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Dani grabbed what they needed for the scene and headed out to her car, a comfortable but tense silence settling over them. He could tell they were both on edge thinking about this case and this killer but just before he let himself be pulled into mentally revising his profile he remembered something that Salome had said that he just </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to ask Dani about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So uh, you really told the girls down at SVU that I screwed you?” Dani blanched and her hands tightened on the steering wheel making the leather squeak, “Sorry, screwed you </span>
  <em>
    <span>not sexually?"</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her jaw dropped and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a deep blush making its home on her face, “Oh that little snitch, I can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>believe</span>
  </em>
  <span> she told you that part of the story. I should kill her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said you blushed a lot.” He knew there was absolutely a shit-eating grin on his face but he honestly didn’t care, watching Dani get riled up like this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>adorable.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck off, Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you gave an excellent example of the phrase ‘Freudian slip.’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She side eyed-him as the car slowed down and she pulled into a spot in front of a nondescript apartment building. “Oh that’s rich coming from Mr. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve had sex. Plenty of sex.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> She put on a mocking, </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible</span>
  </em>
  <span> imitation of his voice that only made him smile wider.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fair I suppose. But seriously Dani, I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh look we’re here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She turned off the car and practically </span>
  <em>
    <span>ran</span>
  </em>
  <span> out and into the building. So he raced out after her, grabbing the elevator door and sliding in, shooting her a self-satisfied look as she merely shook her her, that hint of fondness coming back. He was content to settle into their silence when he noticed the light reflecting off of the stainless steel door of the elevator catch on something around Dani’s neck. The locket, </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> locket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you liked your gift.” Though he felt like his voice was barely a whisper, it cut into the quiet of the elevator.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> it. It’s stunning, and I—” Her breath hitched, “I— um, I can’t” she took a deep, slightly shaky breath, “It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> received. I still don’t really know what to say other than I can’t thank you enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing.” He said, stepping out of the elevator.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He only made it a few feet before she grabbed his arm and whirled him back around to face her. “It’s not nothing to me Malcolm.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes scanned his face nervously before it hardened to resolve. One of her hands came up to rest on the nape of his neck, steadying her as she darted up to kiss his cheek faster than he could even react to it. She was probably speed walking to the crime scene right now but honestly he wasn’t sure because his world had narrowed to the space she’d left in front of him, the smell of lavender and coconut lingering in the air around him.</span>
</p><p><span>Should have been walking down the hall to the crime scene right now? Yes, but he was stuck, paralyzed in surprise and in awe of </span><em><span>Dani.</span></em> <em><span>Dani</span></em><span> who’d loved his gift and kissed him for it and…he was briefly lost in thought as his brain began to comprehend that </span><em><span>this is what happy feels like.</span></em></p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure how long he’d stood there until he heard JT calling down the hall for him but it didn’t matter. He held onto that memory, filing it away, and as he walked to the scene, his hand rested on the spot she kissed him the whole way there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Entering the apartment he noticed that like the others it was trashed but in this case it genuinely looked like there had been a massive struggle. Their victim had fought and fought </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard</span>
  </em>
  <span> against her attacker which made it all the more upsetting that she ultimately lost her battle. The first thing he noticed about the victim was that this woman had pin-straight strawberry blonde hair and bright green eyes. She in no way fit their killer's usual type and that made him nervous. There was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>reason</span>
  </em>
  <span> this woman was killed, a conscious choice on the part of their killer, this was personal for him. He saw JT and Edrisa standing over the body, obviously noting the same physical dissimilarities as he had while Gil and Dani were speaking to a couple of crime scene techs by the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” JT began as he noticed Gil and Dani wandering over, “we got an anonymous call about thirty minutes ago directly to the office line asking for Gil we got the address of the building and the building manager gave us the name of vic, 26-year-old Marley—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kent.” Dani finished. “Gil?” Her voice was almost a plea, “What </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> this?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her face was pale and she was fidgeting with her rings, her eyes trained on the victim and she looked like she might pass out. He’d seen a lot of sides to Dani, he’d even seen fear, but not this, not this blood-curdling, all encompassing terror that grabbed you and didn’t let go. He’d never seen the fear he felt from his night terrors reflected in her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil?” Her voice now a weak whisper, “What’s going on?”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>it's super weird how dani actually knows this victim after having all those similarities with the last one, isn't it?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. cause i don’t see you like i used to // now i’m goin’ back on the things that i know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>we learn about marley, dani’s time undercover, and she and malcolm go for some tea</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>again we got “waking up slow” by gabrielle aplin</p><p>also, i'm back on my 4k chapter bullshit y'all!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“‘cause i don’t see you like i used to // now i’m goin’ back on the things that i know”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>waking up slow, gabrielle aplin</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” JT began as she and Gil wandered over, “we got an anonymous call about thirty minutes ago directly to the office line asking for Gil we got the address of the building and the building manager gave us the name of vic, 26-year-old Marley—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kent.” Her blood ran cold. “Gil? What </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> this?” She felt frozen. The last time she’d seen Marley over four years ago she had been vibrant, beaming, </span>
  <em>
    <span>alive.</span>
  </em>
  <span> This mangled bloodied body wasn’t her. It couldn’t be. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> be. “Gil?” She could hear the words coming out of her mouth but barely registered them. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know Dani, but we’ll figure it out, okay?” She felt him squeeze her shoulder in an attempt to get her to look at him but she couldn’t, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> turn away. He continued speaking, asking JT about the tipster in an attempt to pivot the conversation away from Marley and quell her rising anxiety but it didn’t break through. Nothing did, nothing </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> break through because it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Marley</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>dead</span>
  </em>
  <span> and that—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, what’s wrong?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bright. Of course he was the one who cut through the noise in her head. Were she a little more present she’d give him a small smile and notice the little flutter of her heart but right now she barely noticed anything aside from his calm, curious voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you know her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That, um—” she swallowed thickly and willed herself to reply, “that’s Marley Kent, she was a CI for me while I was undercover with Desir’s crew.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice was actively shaking, she met Bright’s sad, sympathetic eyes for a second before turning back to the body. She was sure they all had a million more questions but right now…right now she couldn’t answer them. It could’ve been seconds or minutes or hours later but once again she felt Gil squeeze her shoulder and bend down to meet her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you good to be here, Powell?” She nodded listlessly, eyes still trained on the body. He raised his voice slightly, “Powell?” Her head snapped up and suddenly everything came back into focus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was lying. She knew it, Gil knew it, Bright and JT knew it, hell Edrisa probably knew too but she couldn’t leave. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be okay for however long it took to get back into the precinct and once they got back she could retreat to the file room she’d spent the last week in and have what was likely to spin out into a full-blown panic attack in peace. Yes, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> had to make it back to the precinct. She could do this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil nodded at her suspiciously, analyzing her every movement before turning back “Bright, what do you have?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After half-listening to Bright give them the updates on his profile, Dani moved through the crime scene in a daze. She knew she couldn’t focus on the body and the blood and the wreckage around her or it would all overwhelm her and she would break down so instead she took in the small details, the little things that showed her what Marley’s life was like now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were crime techs all over the scene so after a while she just went out into the hallway and leaned against the wall until the team was done. She fully expected to be driving Bright back to the precinct so when Gil took her keys, handed them off to Bright and steered her towards his Le Mans she was surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know Bright could drive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He can, he hates it, but he can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what’s up, boss?” She said in a false cheery voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t give me that Dani, please. I know this is hard but we need you all in on this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I also wanted to ask you if you’ve thought about telling the team how you know Marley and—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani,” he sighed, “I wanted to see if you wanted to tell them about your time undercover.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not Gil.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The most they’ve heard about it is from the Desir case. It’s been well over four years since everything happened.” She made a face that he must’ve caught out of the corner of his eye. “I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not saying</span>
  </em>
  <span> that you have to tell them. I just think it might help. I know you’ve only ever told your me, Jackie, and your sponsor about everything and I think if maybe you told them, let them in—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil they would run in the other direction. What I did undercover…I was a massive fuck up back then and I’ve changed for the better, I know that but” she let out a shaky breath, “what if they hate me. What if they leave?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, they could never. They are your team and we’re with you no matter what, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They weren’t when I arrested Malcolm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just because they were mad at you doesn’t mean that they didn’t still love you and wouldn’t still come running at the first sign that you were in danger. Again, I’m not saying that you have to tell them, just…I think it would be good for you to get it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani sighed, she didn’t want to do this but Gil was probably right. In the past it was a suggestion that her sponsor and the NYPD therapist she had to see had made but she’d disregarded it. She’d only just met JT and Edrisa then and she didn’t want to start off the relationship with her new co-workers like that and she was sure that at least JT had already heard the rumors but she didn’t want him to know how bad it had really been so she kept it in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the car ride and their walk into the precinct was spent in silence. She really wasn’t planning on saying anything until she saw the look on Bright’s face when he got into the bullpen. His eyes were wide and open and sympathetic but not </span>
  <em>
    <span>pitying</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was just overwhelming…concern, overwhelming </span>
  <em>
    <span>love.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She turned to Gil, her decision made for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll try.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the rest of the team got back they were ushered into the conference room. Gil, JT, Malcolm, and even Edrisa stood or sat around patiently waiting for her to speak from where she was perched, cross-legged on the radiator, shoulders hunched slightly, her elbows resting on her knees. Gil gave her an encouraging smile and nod, so she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and began.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For those of you who don’t know, my first assignment with the NYPD was working undercover as a hostess at a club run by Jacques Desir, the former leader of the Haitian gang here in the city. I started at the academy right out of college so um,” she hesitated; this was always the part of the story that made people feel a type of pity that made her </span>
  <em>
    <span>incredibly</span>
  </em>
  <span> uncomfortable, “I was only 23 when I got the assignment.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking up she saw Edrisa’s eyes widen in sympathy, JT tense angrily, and Malcolm’s eyes shining, almost as though there was a sheen of tears threatening to fall while his face was contorted in frustration bordering on fury. Knowing that her colleagues were as upset as she was when she realized how insane it was to put someone that green in the field she felt the tension in her shoulders relax a bit as she noticed that she didn’t feel the waves of pity rolling off of them like she was accustomed to when telling this story. She relaxed a bit more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had been there about six months when I met Marley who was working part time as a hostess to supplement the cost of college and earn money for law school. That in and of itself wasn’t a big deal, what </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> a big deal was that she’d worked as an intern in my precinct before and recognized me almost straight away. By that time I was only about seven months into what could be a multi-year assignment and I’d been made, I felt like a massive failure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani that wasn’t your fault, there was no way you couldn’t have known she’d even be there.” JT sounded pissed but she could tell by his tone that it </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t at her</span>
  </em>
  <span> and as a former soldier, he was by-the-book as they came. Gil was right, maybe they wouldn’t hate her for this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. You know that, and I do now too but my boss and the rest of my unit well…they weren’t nearly as sympathetic. The only way I could try and temper their anger was to convince Marley to come on as a CI.” At Edrisa’s confused face she clarified. “Confidential Informant, basically an inside source.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, gotcha.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She of course said yes, it was another paycheck and all she really had to do was keep her ears open and she was smart enough to know what was valuable and how not to get caught.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bright tilted his head to the side, observing but not necessarily profiling her, “So you were friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, yeah kinda. She was one of the only people in my orbit who knew who I really was and at the time I didn’t really have any friends. I’d just lost my mom and most of my unit didn’t dislike me but I </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> wasn’t one of the guys and, since I was undercover I was pretty isolated from them anyway, and my only real” she coughed, embarrassed, “relationship undercover was with Xavier Estimé.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani glanced briefly around the room taking in her teammates' reactions. All of them but Edrisa knew about her history with addiction but Gil was the only person who knew the full story of her time undercover. She was certain that Bright had at </span>
  <em>
    <span>least</span>
  </em>
  <span> assumed that she’d been romantically involved with Estimé but she wasn’t sure if JT did too so it surprised her when JT just nodded calmly as if this wasn’t news to him at all. For a moment she felt herself stunned silent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened then?” Like it had at the crime scene and so many other times before, Bright’s voice pulled her from where she was lost in her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She started using, just like I did. A month or so after me I think. I— I um, was there, her first time and I was so far gone that I didn’t even </span>
  <em>
    <span>try</span>
  </em>
  <span> to stop her. It was…bad.” She hesitated before stopping again, looking around for judgement but finding none, </span>
  <em>
    <span>again.</span>
  </em>
  <span> How could they not think less of her? It didn’t make sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I overdosed and was pulled out in August 2016 and she became someone else’s CI. Then in September, I was about to send in my resignation when Gil asked me to join his team. The last time I saw Marley was a few weeks before I O.D.’ed. I had no idea she was up in Harlem now. That she was less than a twenty minute walk away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you know how long she stayed a CI after your assignment…” he hesitated, “ended?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright, you’re allowed to say overdosed, I won’t get upset.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Noted.” She rolled her eyes at him and the brief return to her usual demeanor made him quirk one side of his mouth up in a half-smile, “But, do you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I didn’t keep up with her, I didn’t keep up with anyone really from my old team except for another officer, she’s a lieutenant now, in charge of the whole unit. I can reach out to her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good Dani. What’s next?” Gil said, trying to ease them out of this conversation. But that was easier said than done. Despite the fact that she felt better having told her team more about her past, she still felt raw and his calm, relaxed voice did nothing but frustrate her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I think we should probably state the obvious, yeah? Marley doesn’t fit the physical traits of the other victims. This was personal for the killer, right Bright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She saw him swallow as he tried to answer and soften the blow at the same time, “Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani,” JT said, trying to placate her, “that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It could’ve been any number of people from her life now that did this. She might not have met the killer undercover.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She came into contact with who </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> how many violent men during her time working at Desir’s club and sure, maybe it was someone else but it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>way </span>
  </em>
  <span>more likely that she met the guy from her work as a CI and she became a CI because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>  She felt bile rising in her throat. “I need a minute, excuse me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani walked as quickly as she could without being too suspicious out down the stairs, exiting through a door that opened into a shielded, quiet alley. Pressing her back against the cold brick, she took several deep breaths, watching the air rise and disappear into the winter sky. It was almost meditative and she found herself getting lost in it when the door suddenly banged open and she almost jumped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Bright of course, who else would it be? How many times had she insisted on following him up to his apartment to make tea after a difficult day? Of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course</span>
  </em>
  <span> he’d do the same for her. That’s just who Malcolm Bright was. She realized in the moment that that was something she really lo—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So how’re you doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He broke her train of thought at the exact right time. She had no idea where that thought had come from and she had no intention of finding out right now, all she needed to do right now was to respond and try to sound convincing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, now I know how unconvincing it must sound when I say it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh” she massaged her temples, already feeling a stress headache coming on, “please tell me you came out here for some reason other than to ask a question you already knew the answer to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I did. What do you think about going to grab tea and some lunch? Shockingly I’m feeling a bit peckish and it’s about lunchtime so I figured we could go. I mean only if you want of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d love to. I really don’t wanna be in the precinct right now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded and went inside, returning with both of their coats and, at his smile when she let him help her into her coat, the tightness in her chest released just a little bit. They walked in silence for the three blocks to get tea and when they finally got to the shop, the warmth and aroma of the tea and coffee washed over her like a gentle wave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay so we’re just before the lunch rush. You grab our table, I’ll get lunch and drinks.” She went to argue when he cut her off, “No, Dani. I’m getting lunch today, no arguments. I’ll get you the biggest Lavender Earl Grey they have and the…” his eyes scanned over her face, “arugula, tomato, and mozzarella panini and a…blueberry-lemon muffin? No that’s not it…” he squinted at her and she squinted right back, “a slice of chocolate chip banana bread.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes please.” She shook her head and heard the smile in her voice as she spoke, “That’s the </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> time you’re ever allowed to profile me, ‘kay? And if you’re hungry, promise me that you’ll get some soup, even if you don’t have it now, we can reheat it.” He nodded and she could’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>sworn</span>
  </em>
  <span> she heard him murmur “It’s not as good as yours” as she walked away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt her lips curl into a real smile and, yeah, leave it to Bright to make this truly awful day better by just </span>
  <em>
    <span>being.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As she curled up on the chair, Dani observed him standing in line. He was easy to pick out from the rest of the regular lunch rush in his thousand dollar suit; always standing out even if he didn’t necessarily </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to. Her attention was drawn to three women, early 20s if she had to guess, standing a few people back in line, absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>gushing</span>
  </em>
  <span> over Malcolm and if she was being honest, she could kind of relate. He cut </span>
  <em>
    <span>quite</span>
  </em>
  <span> the figure in his well-tailored navy suit; add to that his unfairly handsome face and his cornflower blue tie that brought out his gorgeous eyes well…yeah, scratch “kind of,” she could </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> relate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was clear from the look on his face that he had clocked their gawking and as he waited for their food and drinks he shot her a desperate </span>
  <em>
    <span>”please help me”</span>
  </em>
  <span> look but she merely smirked. One would think that he would be used to this kind of attention by now; he certainly garnered it regularly enough. But it always made him get so incredibly flustered and much to his chagrin, she found it hilarious every time. Just as one of the women started approaching him, the barista handed him their drinks and food on a tray and she watched as he practically </span>
  <em>
    <span>ran</span>
  </em>
  <span> towards her, somehow not spilling a single thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know the woman over there is still looking at us, you want me to tell her you’re available?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daniela Powell if you do that, I swear on Sunshine that I’ll tell Gil it was you who broke his Yankees coffee mug.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>dare.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would.” He picked up her hand from where it rested on the table, his eyes dancing mirthfully, “I absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>would.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She turned her hand over, lacing their fingers together just as Bright’s admirer walked by their table, frowning deeply at their intertwined hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know this isn’t the first time you’ve used this tactic to avoid being picked up by someone,” she shot him a playful smile, “at some point you’re gonna have to repay me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought that was what this was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, this is you cheering me up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well then, I guess I’ll just have to up my game once this case is over.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess you will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her hand slipped out of his as they dug into their food and she was pleased to see him actually finish the child-size bowl of soup he had gotten; apparently him being hungry wasn’t just a ploy to get her out of the precinct. Not that she would’ve refused if it had been, she needed to get out of there for a while, but for whatever reason, seeing him actually stomach something always made her happy for a reason she couldn’t quite articulate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They spent most of their lunch in silence, just enjoying each other’s company, until he looked at her strangely and she tilted her head in a silent question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something?” She nodded and he chewed on his lip before meeting her eyes, “Why are you still punishing yourself for what happened undercover?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani” he sighed, sounding unbelievably sad, “you work every holiday shift even when you don’t need to and don’t tell me you don’t. I know that you worked all through Thanksgiving weekend and even the morning of Thanksgiving Day before you came to Gil’s. You take on all of these things that you don’t need to, give so much of yourself to others instead of taking time for yourself. Instead of taking even a day over the Christmas holiday to relax when no one would’ve judged you for doing so, you worked.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened her mouth to refute him when he cut her off, “Taking care of Junior after leaving work at what, six o’clock? Then going back in on New Year’s Day does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> count as taking a day so </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hesitated. For so many years she’d told anyone who questioned her motives that she did because she didn’t have people to celebrate with, she hadn’t even told Gil her real reasoning though she suspected he knew what it was, but this wasn’t Gil, this was Malcolm and if he promised to be honest with her, she would give him the same courtesy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I deserve it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What could </span>
  <em>
    <span>possibly</span>
  </em>
  <span> make you believe that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil is the only reason I’m still here.” She willed her voice to stay even, blinking away the burning sensation of tears she felt behind her eyes. It was less about crying in front of Malcolm and more about not crying in a crowded public place, “I owe him </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> but I know, I just </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> that there are people here who have heard rumors about my past and when they see me that’s all they’re thinking about. It doesn’t matter how qualified I am, I still have my past and it’s always gonna haunt me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dani.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>  It sounded pained and when she looked into his eyes, she saw a swell of sympathy and hurt for her. “You are so, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> incredible at what you do. Gil may be the reason you’re still with the NYPD but you repaid that debt to him and to everyone else a long time ago. Anyone who sees you and only sees your past is an idiot who I have less than no respect for and doesn’t deserve the time of day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Malcolm. It’s just, even if that </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> true—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It </span>
  <em>
    <span>is.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>A short laugh spilled out of her at the defiance in his tone, “Okay, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>is.</span>
  </em>
  <span> But still, it’s a hard mindset to get away from, especially when it’s not like I have anyone to spend the holidays with in the first place” she held her hand up when it looked like he’d interrupt again, “who I </span>
  <em>
    <span>wouldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> be imposing on. Everyone I know already has family they’ll be with or family with them, anywhere I’d go I'd be an outsider.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani that’s not true, you have </span>
  <em>
    <span>me.</span>
  </em>
  <span> You </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> have me.” His admission and the sincerity in his voice made her heart swell. “You’re one of the most important if not </span>
  <em>
    <span>the</span>
  </em>
  <span> most important person in my life; you’ll never be imposing on me and you’ll never be an outsider wherever I am, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded because she couldn’t speak, couldn’t find the words to tell him what that meant to her if those words even existed in the first place. It struck her that this was what it felt like to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> by someone and the feeling was so all-encompassing that she took his hand, tangled their fingers together, and squeezed, hoping that it conveyed even a fraction of what she was feeling. The look on his face told her that it had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When his gaze got too intense, Dani left her hand in his and turned towards the window, watching the snow begin to fall, but out of the corner of her eye she could see that Malcolm’s expression hadn’t changed. She didn’t notice how much time passed before he spoke softly, peacefully pulling her from her trance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready to go back? You don’t have to be, we could stay here all day if you wanted. I just…I wanted to check.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would love nothing more than to stay in this moment forever, suspended outside of time in this cafe, no serial killer, no dead friends, no looming feeling of dread, just her and Malcolm and endless cups of Earl Grey. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not really, but we have to go back sometime.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They disentangled their hands and Malcolm grabbed their empty plates and mugs and dropped them back at the collection bins while she went to the counter and bought them two cups of tea for the road. After handing one to him, he offered her his arm and a shy smile, as though he were expecting her to reject him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shall we?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She discreetly looked around the shop to see if the women were still there eyeing him up but they weren’t. The smile she sent him in return could’ve given his last name a run for its money.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We shall.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>aww look at them drinking more tea as "'""friends"""'''</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. mosaic broken hearts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>some of malcolm's thoughts on sleep deprivation, a chat with gil, and an introduction to a genuine asshole</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm sure i'm not the only one angry and upset about fox cancelling our show so please tweet &amp; send letters so we can try to get this amazing show renewed or picked up by another network/streaming service with the hashtags #renewprodigalson and #saveprodigalson </p><p>the song is state of grace, taylor swift (danny devito voice: can i offer you a ts x brightwell mashup in this trying time?)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“we learn to live with the pain // mosaic broken hearts”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>state of grace, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>January and February were always Malcolm’s least favorite months of the year.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> As opposed to December, this was not the part of winter that was snow-capped and decorated by ornaments and twinkling lights, filled with the sweetness and warmth of hot chocolate and sufganiyot and gingerbread. No, this was the winter that was dead with the darkness that permeated daylight and the cold that settled into his bones all encasing him a cocoon of snow and ice where he couldn’t be sure if he’d freeze to death or suffocate first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A year ago he’d been cleaning and changing the bandages over the wound from John Watkins’ knife as a scar began to form, he’d still had a cast on his left hand as his muscles and bones knitted themselves back together, he’d hallucinated himself dead and dying as a child while pushing his way onto cases. Most dramatically, as his mother had called it, he’d gotten into a terrible fight with Gil, nearly fried his brains out, caused a power outage in the city, and scared Dani half to death. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, this year was better but not by all that much as the past few weeks had been particularly miserable for all of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not only were they no closer to finding their killer or solving Marley Kent’s murder despite poring over thousands of hours of video surveillance from Marley’s building, returning to the crime scene, and doing a deep dive into as many of her CI files as they currently had access to, they weren’t getting closer on any of the other murders either. To make things worse, pressure from the brass was forcing everyone into overdrive, and all-nighters were becoming a regular occurrence and while Malcolm knew that this was child’s play for him, he could tell how grating it was on JT, Dani, and especially Gil. The couch in Gil’s office now permanently housed a few pillows, an old afghan Jackie had knitted, and even a pair of his own travel restraints for the times when he was forced into trying to get an hour or so of sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Exhaustion manifested in his team members in different ways and as awful as the circumstances behind it were, Malcolm was finding it interesting to observe how each of them worked with less than five hours of sleep a night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil’s routine was one that he was used to, one he’d observed over twenty years as Officer Arroyo became Detective then Lieutenant and the all-nighters that had been for stakeouts where Malcolm rode shotgun became all-nighters for horrid cases like this. It was a fairly simple routine of coffee, work, more coffee, five hours of sleep, coffee, work, and a few catnaps throughout the day. Perhaps not the healthiest method, not that Malcolm was one to judge, but one that was tried and true after nearly thirty years on the force. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT dealt with a lack of sleep the best of all of them by going into an almost trance-like state of focused calm. Malcolm watched as he regularly chose regularly to drink water over coffee to get him through the night and operating on a regimented schedule of working, taking a break for food and water, working, walking around for a short period, working, then lying down for a quick nap. The rigidity of his routine surprised Malcolm until he remembered that JT had been in the military, likely operating on little sleep while on active duty overseas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani’s routine was…well, Dani’s approach to multiple nights with almost no sleep was very similar to his own so in general terms, very bad. He’d be the first to admit that his method of coffee and sleep only when absolutely necessary was the furthest thing from healthy one could get but watching someone else do it made him understand why people got frustrated with him. Watching Dani go hours on end, dark circles appearing more prominently under her eyes, tension drawing her brows and shoulders together as she tried to contain the kinetic energy that was being fueled by the caffeine wasn’t just worrisome, it was stressful to watch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the wide range of methods each had to manage their sleep deprivation, the four of them worked well together during times like these, something that was a shock and a comfort to him. Malcolm thought back to the first case where they’d pulled consecutive all-nighters, the one that, in his mind, truly led to them forming as a team; Paul Lazar A.K.A. John Watkins, The Junkyard Killer. It was a harrowing case and he still felt like he wasn’t all the way in with the team; worst of all, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> that the combination of high stress and sleep deprivation could break whatever groundwork for an effective team they’d laid. He spent those nights with a quiet hum of anxiety in his mind that told him that surely the other shoe would drop but it just…never did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now here they were so many cases later, going on three weeks of little sleep waiting for someone to find something, </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> that could keep this case from going to the back burner as they knew it would the longer they came up empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily, last night just after midnight Dani had found what she thought could be another case. Ava McCabe, a 24 year-old private school teacher in Brooklyn was found murdered in mid-September in her Seaport apartment on the Manhattan side of the Brooklyn Bridge. Her file was nearly identical to the other victims and now Malcolm was </span>
  <em>
    <span>certain</span>
  </em>
  <span> she was the missing link amongst their two other victims who ran on the Brooklyn Bridge, she had to be. After that Gil had sent them home so they could all come back fresh in the morning and as he glanced around the table he found that for the first time in nearly three weeks they seemed it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once Dani’s friend Detective Laveau told them about the two other cases in Brooklyn, JT had gone to grab a </span>
  <em>
    <span>third</span>
  </em>
  <span> whiteboard. There tacked up by various methods were their  victims, all important information they had, and the map which currently took up half the space of the board he stood in front of. Gil had put a rush on the McCabe file and now Edrisa had come up from the morgue to walk them through the Medical Examiner’s report.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So the woman that Dani found does look like a good candidate for our killer’s eighth victim. All of Ava McCabe’s wounds are consistent with the killer’s M.O. and she’s got eight wounds to the torso which pops her right in order.” She said with her characteristic overzealousness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani leaned over the table to look at one of the photos of the victim’s hand, her locket slipping free of the neckline of her soft-looking navy sweater. He was so intently focused on the way it caught the light he missed her question entirely only tuning back in at Edrisa’s response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She also has several defensive wounds and there’s some bruising on her left hand that would imply that” the question must’ve been about the bruising on the victim’s left knuckles “she got a hit in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT gestured to the picture Dani was looking at and she passed it to him, “That’s a helluva left hook our vic had, did she throw a punch anywhere that resulted in any blood splatter?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but,</span>
  </em>
  <span> the coroner did find foreign DNA under her fingernails. I couldn’t find a match in any databases but it’s at least something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt like he could breathe a little easier and by the looks on everyone else’s faces, they felt the same way. For the first time in </span>
  <em>
    <span>weeks</span>
  </em>
  <span> they had a lead, a real, solid lead. As they all began to go back to their work while Edrisa answered a few additional questions Gil had, Malcolm’s attention was caught by Dani who’d walked over to the map, writing down their new information before returning to the place she so often stood in front of Marley Kent’s picture, her vivacious smile almost bringing her to life from the photo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the past when she got stuck, he’d noticed before that Dani would play with her rings, spinning them round and round her fingers as if they worked in time with her thoughts but now he watched as her hand went to her neck and she played with the locket. He was entranced by the way she pulled the pendant back and forth across the chain and wound through her fingers as she chewed on her lip while her eyes scanned over the photo and information. She was doing so often what he did; learning the details of a case so intently they’d be burned into his memory.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, that necklace is absolutely stunning!” Edrisa caught both of them by surprise almost causing Dani to jump in shock, “I noticed it earlier but I kept forgetting to ask, where’s it from?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm watched as a light blush dusted Dani’s cheeks as she avoided any and all eye contact with him, while Gil and JT’s eyes sharpened in interest. Oh this did not bode well for him but it might be worth it to watch Dani stumble through an explanation looking as adorably flustered as she did now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” she took a steadying breath and he watched in real time as she tried to steady her features, “it’s an old family heirloom that I found over the holidays.” She’d religiously avoided eye contact with him as she’d spoken but when she finally risked a glimpse, he couldn’t help but smirk as her blush got impossibly deeper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s simply lovely, your family has excellent taste. Is it a locket?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani coughed awkwardly, “Yes um, it is.” Edrisa looked at her expectantly and Malcolm controlled the urge to laugh. Dani had boxed herself into a corner on this one and when she saw the amusement that was surely dancing in his eyes she narrowed her eyes in a glare even as she answered the unspoken question. “There’s a picture of my parents inside.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, that’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>cute!</span>
  </em>
  <span> Well, like I said, just wanted ask. Anyway, I’ll be back if I find anything else.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their Medical Examiner left with a wave and Dani immediately huffed out a breath, followed by a glare, daring any of them to call her on what they all knew was a lie. Wisely, they all went back to work until Dani left to take a call and JT announced he was heading down to a sandwich shop to get them lunch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried to go back to what he was writing on the board but he was stuck on Dani’s little white lie about where her locket had come from. He could of course understand why she’d done it, it would be slightly embarrassing to tell your co-workers that another co-worker gave you their great-grandmother’s locket as a gift for a friend. But still, why not just </span>
  <em>
    <span>say</span>
  </em>
  <span> that it was a gift from someone? She didn’t have to say who and besides, Dani’s poker face was the stuff of legends, she surely wouldn’t crack under pressure, would she?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey kid.” Malcolm jumped, he’d missed Gil getting up and coming to stand next to him, “When you’re done here I need you in my office for a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Gil made a strange face before looking down at his phone, “Well, mostly.” Before he could ask anything else, his boss held up a hand, “Just, meet me in my office, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm nodded and as Gil left, he saw him stop by where Dani had just gotten off of the phone, exchanging a few words and a terse nod with her before she came back to the conference room, zipping up her leather jacket and checking that she still had her phone, wallet, and keys. “I need a walk, you wanna go get tea?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t,” but </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh</span>
  </em>
  <span> how he wished that he could, “Gil wanted to talk with me about something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, want me to get your regular then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes that would be amazing, thank you.” She was about to walk back to her desk when caught her elbow. “Why’d you lie about the necklace?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A cheeky grin overtook her face as she leaned into him, “Oh Malcolm, </span>
  <em>
    <span>technically </span>
  </em>
  <span>I didn’t lie,” she leaned in a little more, running his tie between her fingers, “the necklace is an old family heirloom that I found over the holidays.” Her voice dropped to a whisper and he was certain he saw her eyes fall lightning quick to his lips, “It’s just not my family’s heirloom and I found it over there with the desk sergeant.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently between the exchange with Edrisa and now, she’d found a way to recover from her earlier awkwardness, and instead turn him into a speechless cherry-red mess. He barely heard Gil calling him to his office, too focused on Dani as she walked across the bullpen, tossing a smirk over her shoulder. Malcolm stood stock still, mouth agape and mind trying and failing to process what the hell had just happened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had Dani been…flirting with him? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thought stopped his brain in its tracks but he couldn’t think of anything else it could be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was familiar with flirting in theory of course, and he was often told he was charming when he wanted to be, but still, it wasn’t something he was used to. He’d really only dated seriously three times-ish but none of those really involved </span>
  <em>
    <span>flirting.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aimee had been a drunken college hookup until she hadn’t, he’d met Wes through a mutual friend and he was so blunt that Malcolm wasn’t sure flirting was in Wes’ vocabulary, and Eve well…after a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lot</span>
  </em>
  <span> of self-reflection, he realized that no matter what feelings she claimed to have had for him, ultimately, he was a means to an end for Eve.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So flirting…definitely </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> in his typical wheelhouse. He had half a mind to follow after Dani and ask her when he distantly heard Gil call him again and he wandered over to his office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bright, everything okay?” Gil’s voice brought him back to the present, “You seemed a million miles away over there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um, yeah I’m fine. Just fine. Totally fine.” He risked a glimpse out of the window and saw Dani trying to suppress a smile as she grabbed her jacket, winking at him just before she was out of sight. The office door closing brought his focus back to Gil. He was glancing between the two of them with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gave her that locket from the vault, didn’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There it was. He supposed that someone was bound to figure it out at some point, and he should’ve guessed that Gil would be the first but that didn’t stop the crimson of his face to spread to the tips of his ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what I thought.” Gil’s smile widened, “And what are your intentions with her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm buried his face in his hands, “Oh my god, Gil.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt like he was sixteen again, asking Gil for advice on how to ask a girl out on a date and getting the birds and the bees talk instead. Thank god the door was closed and most of the precinct was on a lunch break because if anyone overheard this he’d surely melt into the ground and die. His voice came out muffled from behind his hands as he tried to explain himself, “It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> a Christmas gift. Mother and I owe her a thousand times over and it’s not like great-grandmother Milton is using it anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh I know. After you asked for the pictures of her parents I called Jess and got the full story.” His head shot up just in time to catch Gil start to chuckle. It seemed that he would never be telling his mother anything again. “Malcolm, I think you and I and possibly everyone else in the world knows that giving a friend a family heirloom that was originally an engagement gift </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> asking for pictures of her parents to put inside said gift is not something you get a friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil, I—” He cut himself off because…what was there to say? Gil was right on all accounts and he had no ground to stand on. All he could hope for was that this was the end of his lecture so he could go home to Sunshine and possibly never show his face in the precinct again. But he was rarely that lucky and today was apparently no exception.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides, JT was in here earlier asking if I knew anything. Apparently he and Tally are </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> invested in finding out the identity of the gift giver since Dani was being, and I quote ‘super cagey’ when she babysat Junior on New Year’s Eve. I’ve been told that Tally’s certain Dani’s been hiding a secret fiancé from everyone which, if that’s the case, I’m very disappointed in both of you for not telling me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yep. It seemed that melting into the floor was currently his best option. “Gil, please tell me you called me in here for some other reason than to embarrass me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes I actually did.” Gil almost sounded like he was hesitating, “I finally was able to find out who Marley Kent got passed to when Dani was pulled from being her CI.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well shouldn’t Dani be here too then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no no no no.” Gil’s face paled. “That would be very bad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Explain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They have a bit of a history, if Powell hadn’t gone out I would’ve sent her somewhere that wasn’t here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean by a bit of a history? If Dani literally can’t be around him, I’d say that’s quite a lot of history. What do I need to know Gil?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They worked together in Narcotics and Dani was the youngest officer on the team and she got sent in before anyone else and until she O.D.’ed she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span> as I’m sure you can imagine so needless to say, he doesn’t like her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil hesitated. There was more to this story that wasn’t being shared but based on the way that his boss kept checking the window, he knew that he wouldn’t get anything else; at least not right now. “But kid, no matter what this guy says, I need you to </span>
  <em>
    <span>promise</span>
  </em>
  <span> me that you won’t try to make him angry and that you’ll keep your cool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt himself frown as he tilted his head, “Why? Gil, what would he say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm just, promise? He’s gonna try to bait the both of us so I </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> you to promise. If not for me, then for Dani. This guy is a miserable son of a bitch but he has the pull to get us kicked off of this case.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” He could only guess at how frustrating this other Detective would be but Gil was right, if not for him, for </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dani.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani who’d flirted with him over a necklace and was getting them tea, Dani who was one of the best detectives he knew and was a better profiler than at least half of the agents at Quantico, Dani who he </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good because he should be here—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gil, good seeing you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door banged open as a stocky man of average height sauntered into the office like he owned it, approaching Gil for a handshake and completely bypassing him, barely even sparing Malcolm a glance with his deep brown, almost black eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw JT on the way in but no Powell, they finally get rid of the eye candy around here? What a damn shame.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Caputo. Good of you to join us. You just missed her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I’ll have to see if I can catch her on the way out.” The man— Caputo, smiled with all his teeth before barking out a short laugh, “And I hope I do, I’d love to see how she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>cleaned</span>
  </em>
  <span> up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was official. Malcolm hated </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> about this guy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Other than the superiority complex you could spot from space and the slimy way he’d talked about Dani, there was something else, another dynamic at play here. He must’ve known her from her time undercover. That would explain his familiarity with her and…and why he’d said he wanted to see specifically how she “cleaned” up. He could feel the tremor in his hand begin to act up, as he fought the urge to punch this guy in the face, he’d been referencing Dani’s sobriety when he said that. Gil was right in making him promise to stand down, he was about ten seconds from punching the guy and that had already gotten him fired once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm Bright, profiler.” He clenched his trembling hand behind his back and held out the other for the other man to shake wearing the smile he reserved for Aunt Birdie and his other insufferable Milton family members.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mr. Bright. Detective Kyle Caputo, I’ve heard about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The shake he received in return wasn’t just firm, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> tight. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rage issues then,</span>
  </em>
  <span> his mind whispered,</span>
  <em>
    <span> we can use that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Gil would be pissed to know he was internally profiling him to figure out he could best get a rise out of this guy but he honestly didn't care. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The way he said his name, self-important, like he expected me to know it but…</span>
  </em>
  <span>he filed through his mental rolodex, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I have no idea who this guy is.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Hearing the rank detective surprised him too. The guy looked a few years older than him and with the ego he carried and the familiarity with which he referred to Gil…</span>
  <em>
    <span>he must know someone powerful because Gil would never let that level of unprofessionalism slide.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Caputo sneered, displeased at the lack of recognition he’d inspired, “I heard Molly Kent got stabbed.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He didn’t even know her name. Her file is </span>
  </em>
  <span>right in his hands</span>
  <em>
    <span> and he didn’t know her name.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, Molly— nope, sorry it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Marley,</span>
  </em>
  <span> isn’t it? Whoops.” The man let out a little chuckle and eyed him and Gil, “Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Marley</span>
  </em>
  <span> was only my CI for about a year before she stopped the gig and went on the straight and narrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was doing this on purpose. He couldn’t care less about Marley Kent. It wasn’t that he’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>forgotten</span>
  </em>
  <span> her name, he’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>blatantly disregarded</span>
  </em>
  <span> it and if the way Caputo was scanning the two of them was any indicator, he was trying to get a rise out of them. Malcolm clenched his hands behind his back. He would not give this asshole the satisfaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have anything </span>
  <em>
    <span>useful</span>
  </em>
  <span> on Marley Kent?” Gil leveled the man with a cutting glare, “Or can you just drop the file and go?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m sure you know she used to be Powell’s CI until she got kicked off the case but y’know I’m not sure how reliable little Dani’s files are since she wasn’t the most clear-headed at the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm bit the inside of his cheek to try and keep from yelling. Detective Caputo reminded him of every time he’d had to work with another small-minded, arrogant, usually moronic agent or cop at the Bureau, he reminded him of the guy he’d punched in the face on his last case with the FBI.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Caputo.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gil spoke through clenched teeth and Malcolm could tell that he was trying just as hard not to throttle this guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re protective of her Arroyo but it’s true.” Caputo said with a smug smile, “But </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyway,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kent mostly fed us information about Saulo Reyes and the Dominicans when she lived in Brooklyn. She was an official CI from 2015 to 2018 before she moved up to Harlem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Huh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> was an odd detail.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective,” Caputo turned, looking almost surprised that he was still in the room,“how did you know where she lived?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s in the file, obviously.” He sneered, “Besides, Marley was what I guess you could call a protégé. She wanted to go to law school. Y’know </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m</span>
  </em>
  <span> the one who got her to rehab? Even when it meant losing a CI for us, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> still did that for her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, add extreme narcissism and a possible god complex to the list. He couldn’t talk about Marley Kent without centering himself. This conversation was useless to him, all he was learning was how awful Detective Caputo was and from the look on Gil’s face, it was clear that he knew this conversation wasn’t getting them anything either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knew it would get him in trouble, but Malcolm couldn’t help but try and bring this whole interaction to a swift end. “Thanks for your insight Detective. I think we’ve got enough to take it from here though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The detective whirled around, anger slowly reddening his face. Good, Malcolm had effectively profiled him, despite Gil’s warning, he was still </span>
  <em>
    <span>technically</span>
  </em>
  <span> keeping his promise…sort of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you understand. Marley Kent was a coked out hostess working for scum before she became my CI. Powell only encouraged her bad habits when she was her handler, in fact, I’m not entirely convinced that she didn’t give Marley her first taste.” There was a cruel glint flashed in his eyes as he got a handle on his temper again, “Like I said, she only got clean because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> encouraged her to. Marley, I mean. Not Dani, god knows if she ever kicked that nasty little habit—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That is </span>
  <em>
    <span>enough!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gil yelled. “I will not hesitate to report you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm could taste blood from where he was biting the inside of his mouth and he was certain his eyes were ice. How </span>
  <em>
    <span>dare</span>
  </em>
  <span> he speak about Dani that way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw Arroyo, I’m just messing around and hey, not like anything I said wasn’t true.” A predatory smile curled across Caputo’s face, “Besides, how far do you think that report’ll really go? I’d bet it won’t even make it past your captain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get. Out.” Gil snatched the file from Caputo’s hands and pointed at the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have a good one Gil and give Dani my best, nice meeting you Brown!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Bright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door slammed behind him and Malcolm watched as Caputo left the bullpen, that air of superiority rolling off of him in waves. He waited, anger mounting, until the door to the street swung shut before finally unleashing the fury that had slowly been building for the last ten minutes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck, Gil? </span>
  <em>
    <span>How</span>
  </em>
  <span> could you let him talk about Dani like that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid, he—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opened again and Gil sighed and massaged his temples as JT stormed in, bag of sandwiches and a pack of Twizzlers in hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was that Caputo I saw leaving? The hell was he doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He was Marley Kent’s CI after Dani was. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Trust me</span>
  </em>
  <span> when I say I’d never ask him down here to have a nice friendly chat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Didn’t think you would. Was Dani here?” Gil gave him a look. “Good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, who is Kyle Caputo and why was he so confident that he won’t get reprimanded?” At their twin faces of shock Malcolm felt himself get more agitated. “You two are looking at me like I should know and I don’t, will someone </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid the name ‘Caputo’ isn’t ringing any bells for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Racking his brain once again he came up empty until…dammit. “Caputo like Deputy Commissioner of the NYPD Caputo?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The very same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the information processed in his brain JT moved back towards the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go put these in the conference room.” As he left JT pulled something out of the plastic bag, turned, and tossed what he now saw was a bag of Twizzlers at him, “They had some today and I figured your skinny ass hasn’t eaten in at least twelve hours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm gave him a tight smile and a “Thanks” before looking back at Gil. He was still missing vital information. He was in the dark when everyone else knew something and it was driving him up a wall. “But </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> does he hate Dani so much? I know not just that she was younger, more skilled, and smarter, there’s something else, I can tell. Tell me what I’m missing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I could but that’s Dani’s story, not mine and it’s something you need to ask her. Not profile it out of her, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ask her,</span>
  </em>
  <span> got it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt himself deflate a little bit. “Got it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Now, we have a case to solve and it looks like our girl is back, just in time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking out the window of Gil’s office he saw Dani, two to-go cups of tea in hand and a small paper bag trapped under her arm. She caught his eye after putting the tea down and held up the bag, shaking it a little; he knew she’d gotten him his favorite chocolate chip banana bread, something on the short list of foods he ate and something they’d discovered one day while having lunch together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled and the ice that had threatened to suffocate him while they spoke with Caputo melted away as his own personal sun smiled back at him. His mind was still swirling with questions as he crossed the bullpen, but the moment he stopped to grab his tea and snack from Dani, he couldn’t help but take a moment to bask in her glow.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>unsurprisingly this chapter ended up being much longer than i thought it would be and i think it's currently the longest chapter in the whole fic</p><p>throughout the show we see martin using a lot of yiddish words ("that's quite a bump you've got on your keppe") so i'm choosing to headcanon that the whitly's are half-jewish, half-catholic, and wholly non-practicing but i don't think that would stop their cooks from making all the sweet treats associated with the holiday season like sufganiyot and gingerbread.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. something good and right and real</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>dani gets a gift and makes a special visit</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>state of grace, ts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“something good and right and real”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>state of grace, taylor swift</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Upon walking into the precinct Dani found a beautiful bouquet of white roses interspersed with sprigs of lavender resting on her desk. Sure, Valentine’s Day wasn’t until Sunday but Gil was forcing them to take tomorrow and the weekend off because after a month of coming up empty and eventually being forced to take on cases again, all of them, even Bright, were dangerously close to burning out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she laid her things down and picked up the bouquet a small note fluttered down onto her desk. Granted, it wasn’t as though she needed one, she knew exactly who these were from, but still she read it, a smile stretching across her face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I seem to remember you saying that you’d never been given roses on Valentine’s Day. That seemed like a crime for someone as beautiful as you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>xo, M.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He really shouldn’t do things like this in the precinct, because he was going to absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>ruin</span>
  </em>
  <span> her carefully cultivated reputation of even-keeled stoicism. Out of the corner of her eye she could see a few coworkers surreptitiously watching to see her reaction, to see the tender smile and light blush that dusted her cheek and to try and figure out who could make her like that. Who could make her so </span>
  <em>
    <span>soft.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>If anyone was paying attention they’d know right away, they’d know it was the one person who </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> seemed to be able to make her soft and yet, in a room full of detectives, not one of them looked at the evidence laid out clear as day in front of them. The thought made her laugh a bit as she brought the bouquet to her nose and inhaled the soothing, romantic combination of rose and lavender, feeling everything slip away for a moment, wrapped in thoughts and memories of the two of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her and Malcolm had been in a weird liminal space lately. She hadn’t confronted him about his feelings, not wanting to force him into a conversation he wasn’t ready to have with her but at the same time, he hadn’t said anything either. The two of them were once again stuck circling each other waiting for someone to break and as awkward as it should’ve been it…wasn’t, it was just…</span>
  <em>
    <span>tense.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She could always feel an electric undercurrent of </span>
  <em>
    <span>something;</span>
  </em>
  <span> that had been there since the moment she caught him and didn’t let go but now…now it felt like she was walking on a tightrope. It was an endless balancing act and she knew there was a net below but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to fall, if she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>ready</span>
  </em>
  <span> to fall. He was or perhaps he already had, she knew that much but she didn’t know what came next.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since she’d gotten out of rehab and started working with Gil, Dani had gotten used to certainties, a routine. It made her feel more stable, grounded after spending her time undercover feeling like she was a kite at the mercy of a strong wind and it was a feeling she never wanted in her life again. When Bright had started working with them, she kept waiting for that feeling to take hold of her but somehow it never did. As unpredictable and frustrating as he could be, she’d never felt that terrifying weightless, nothingness feeling around him, she always, </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> felt safe. Logically, it made no sense, but for whatever reason it reminded her of something her mother always told her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Daniela, love is safety. It picks you up and spins you around and sometimes you’re out of your comfort zone, but it doesn’t matter because love’s there too holding you tight. It won’t let you fall but, if you fall, it’ll fall with you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wait, love?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Somethin’ we should know about, D?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked up to see JT approach her desk, a sly smile on his face. He was about to make the rest of her day a living hell thanks to the flowers laying on her desk so as he got closer, she tried to prepare herself for the onslaught of questions she’d surely be receiving throughout the day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gave her an unimpressed look and shook his head before turning to the front of the precinct, “Hey Pierce!” He called to the desk sergeant, “You see who dropped these flowers off?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The officer in question looked up, looked at Dani’s flowers, and smirked, “It was some flower delivery guy, came in like, ten minutes ago? But he looked fancy as hell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh, so it was a delivery then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, they’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>just flowers</span>
  </em>
  <span> JT.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>roses,</span>
  </em>
  <span> D.” She spotted Malcolm striding into the precinct with two cups of tea from their shop and from the look on his face, JT had too, “There’s no such thing as </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> roses, right Bright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Malcolm looked up, deer in the headlights look plastered across his face. “Uh, well…yes but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made eye contact with her and she smirked and gave him a shrug. He was on his own with this one. If he was going to give her flowers, publicly no less, he got to deal with the fallout. He blinked clearly trying to reorganize and collect his thoughts, shaking his head a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Josiah Theodore,” JT rolled his eyes, “no flower is ever </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> a flower, all of them have very specific meanings.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?” JT looked at him expectantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do white roses and…” JT eyed the bouquet, sniffing it a bit, “lavender mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um, white roses usually symbolize new beginnings, eternal loyalty, and,” he coughed awkwardly, handing her a to-go cup of tea while studiously avoiding her gaze,“everlasting love. While lavender can symbolize grace, devotion, and in some cultures can be used to signify secret messages.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT looked at her with a raised brow, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Just flowers,</span>
  </em>
  <span> huh? If I didn’t know any better you’ve either got a secret admirer or a serious stalker. Do you know who they’re from?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um…” Now it was her turn to clam up and get awkward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh you </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> know, don’t you? Did they come with a note?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani tried to cover the note with her tea but JT caught at least a glimpse of it as he scanned her desk, “Hugs </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> kisses, D? Wow, things must be serious.” A thought occurred to him and he looked smug, “Are these from the mystery man who gave you the locket? Your secret fiancé?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Out of the corner of her eye she saw Malcolm choke on his tea, sputtering as he tried to calm himself down without drawing JT’s attention, his eyes comically wide. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you, no secret fiancés, secret admirers, or stalkers around here. This is just a perfectly normal bouquet from someone I care about and who </span>
  <em>
    <span>clearly</span>
  </em>
  <span> cares about me.” Dani hoped that the small smile on her face wasn’t too telling but after hearing the description of the flowers and once again glancing down at the note, she couldn’t help it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those are lovely flowers, Powell.” Gil walked out of his office, “You must have </span>
  <em>
    <span>quite</span>
  </em>
  <span> the admirer somewhere out there.” She could see him avert his eyes to somewhere behind her where she just </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> Malcolm was standing. There was no way Gil didn’t know precisely who had given her these.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, but they’re really noth—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re from locket guy.” JT interrupted, “Do you know who he is, boss?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gil just shook his head, “Let’s get to work and JT, you’re a detective, you should know by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She heard JT bickering with Gil as they walked into the room and felt Bright’s gentle eyes on her as she folded the note and tucked it into her pocket, grabbed her tea and some files and followed the men into the conference room, that uncharacteristic soft smile on her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Walking into the room and being greeted by their now </span>
  <em>
    <span>four</span>
  </em>
  <span> filled white boards of dead women and dried up leads felt like an exercise in futility. It was rare that she felt hopeless, really truly hopeless during a case but this one did it for her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really don’t like this.” Dani walked around the conference room table and slumped down on the chair next to Malcolm, “I know you said he’s gone long stretches before but it’s been five weeks and we haven’t gotten </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> since Marley. How is it possible that we still have two missing victims and no leads when we have thirteen dead women and five definitive clusters?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” He shook his head and looked confused and as frustrated as she was sure she did, “I don’t know and having seen his warning from the Mitchell crime scene in December when he told us that if we didn’t find him soon we ‘wouldn’t like what we find is disconcerting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Powell, you spent the morning down at the 1st precinct reviewing cases, anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She laid out the five files she picked up this morning across the table. Each had the photo of a dead woman attached to the front with a paperclip and even after having had a fairly light lunch looking at them made her stomach turn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have five that look promising. Of course, hard to say if they’ll be of any use given that we’re looking for a case from six or seven months ago but we have three cases from SoHo and two from Tribeca that are either unsolved or have uncanny similarities to our cases with perps that don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> look too good for murder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some of them have gone to trial?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep.” She winced, this was her least favorite part, “One of the cases was tried and the suspect ended up in Rikers with ten years of jail time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn. I guess given everything though, it’s surprising we haven't had to deal with the possibility of overturning a conviction yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JT was right, it was almost shocking that none of the other cases they’d found had gone to trial but when she had looked at this one, she’d just had a feeling that something was off. The team that had taken the case looked like they’d impulsively drawn conclusions that could have been easily refuted but the suspect hadn’t had enough to hire a defense attorney so he’d been stuck with one from the city. That wasn’t always a bad thing, some of the Public Defenders she knew were brilliant but this one was fresh out of law school and the prosecuting attorney had been her least favorite A.D.A., Jim fucking McConnell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Agreed. JT, you and Bright, once you’ve looked at these, I want you to do a deep dive on the case Dani pulled and once you’re done, head to Rikers and interview the guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The four of them worked in silence going through the cases, a steady rhythm building up as they narrowed down her five cases to four and four to two that looked promising. As she reviewed the murder she’d pulled on gut instinct an idea occurred to her that the rest of her team would most certainly hate. After a while of working, Gil got up to refill his coffee and after a minute or so she followed; if she was going to do this, she’d have to get approval but she couldn’t do that around Bright.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey boss” Gil turned from where he’d been pulling sugar out of a cabinet. “I have a lead I wanna run down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you couldn’t tell me this in the conference room because…?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’d be a good idea to go to Claremont."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time in a while she’d stunned Gil speechless which she supposed was better than a fervent ‘no’ but not by a whole lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? And why are you telling me here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a theory I want to run by The Surgeon and I’m telling you here because I—” she hesitated, this was probably the hardest sell and the dumbest part of her plan, “I want to go alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See that’s what I thought you’d say but—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Powell, absolutely not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I love you kid, but you don’t know how he works. He will get inside your head and do whatever he can to find a weakness to use against you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And? I’m not Malcolm and I’m not you.” She felt herself getting frustrated, “I don’t have the same connection to him as both of you that makes me more objective, less emotional. Besides, I don’t need to be protected by either of you, no matter how much you care.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani, he will find a way to hurt you, to pull out what’s painful and even if he doesn’t, he’ll find ways to use us, use Malcolm and the way you feel about him against you.” Her face morphed from defiance to shock. “Oh come on, neither of you are subtle, Malcolm in particular. I have no idea how JT hasn’t figured it out yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, be that as it may I still think I should—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How can I be more clear Dani? You’re not going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But Gil, I—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. And that’s final.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She groaned and rolled her eyes performatively, nonetheless leaving the conversation feeling like a chastised teenager, and followed him back to the conference room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>About half an hour later when Gil left to go make a few calls she got up, grabbed her copy of the case summary file and went back to her desk, gathering up her things so she could go do exactly what Gil had just told her not to do. She was about to put on her coat and head out when she saw Bright dart out of the conference room and intercept her before she could leave her desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey um, Dani?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was nervous, his hand trembling slightly, and he wouldn’t meet her eyes. Like a few hours ago, he seemed to be collecting himself before saying whatever it was that he needed to and based on the flowers currently laying on her desk, she had half a mind to just put him out of his anxiety and tell him that </span>
  <em>
    <span>yes,</span>
  </em>
  <span> she would love to go </span>
  <em>
    <span>out</span>
  </em>
  <span> out with him this weekend like as a da—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you want to come over on Sunday and spend the day going through some of the cold cases you pulled for me? I’d love your insight and to have someone to bounce ideas off of that isn’t Sunshine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well it seems she’d read his mind…almost. Still, that didn’t mean she couldn’t have a little fun at his expense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sunday is Valentine’s Day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there a question in that?” His voice raised slightly, yep, </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> nervous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, just an observation.” She smirked. “But yes, I would love to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes lit up and the ghost of a smile crossed his face, “Alright then it’s a—” he awkwardly caught himself, “uh, see you then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She raised a brow, pursing her lips to tamp down on a smile, “It’s a see you then, Malcolm.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she walked away she heard a shaky, “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani was fairly certain she’d just been asked out on a date. Granted, it would be a date where they’d be reviewing case files from gruesome, weird murders, but a date nonetheless. Besides, what else should she have expected out of Malcolm Bright? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the thought that lay at the front of her mind as she got into her car and prepared to do something she knew that Bright and Gil would certainly </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> approve of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trip to Claremont Psychiatric was relatively traffic free for rush hour and the time she’d expected to have to think in the car was fading fast. She knew that Gil was right in some sense; Martin Whitly would do his best to find and tease out her pressure points so in theory, all she had to do was stick to her questions and she’d be fine. It was never that easy though. Whenever Bright went in it there was always a give and take between the two, nothing gained unless something was given so her best bet was to be as strategic as he was and decide what she could conceivably give.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she walked into the building Dani felt about 72% prepared to face The Surgeon but somehow every step she took further down the halls of Claremont Psychiatric that number seemed to drop quickly. Logically she knew she was safe, Dr. Whitly would be restrained and besides, she had come face to face with him on multiple occasions, even without his restraints so why now was she slowly going from nervous to terrified with every step? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After what simultaneously felt like an incredibly long and very short walk she was at the door greeting a surprised looking Mr. David. It seemed that he was informed a visitor was coming but must have assumed it would be Malcolm or Jessica or even Gil, but he took it in stride and opened the door for her regardless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Walking into the room she noted that Dr. Whitly looked nearly as surprised as Mr. David to see her but he quickly schooled his expression and began trying to search her face for whatever angle she was working. Whenever she felt Malcolm scanning her face, not simply looking at her but looking </span>
  <em>
    <span>into</span>
  </em>
  <span> her it was annoying but, since she’d established the “no profiling” rule it rarely happened anymore and when it did it usually came from a place of concern for her wellbeing. As far as The Surgeon went, he was looking for weaknesses to weaponize, to hurt her, and likely Malcolm, in return. Suddenly, Dani heard the door slam behind her and turned to see Mr. David standing sentinel on the other side and she willed herself not to jump, not to blink, not to show fear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dani!” Her name was drawn out in a way that made a shiver run down her spine, “It’s certainly a surprise to see you here, particularly sans my boy. Come take Mr. David’s seat, he won’t mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, Dr. Whitly, I’ll stand.” She willed herself to stay stoic and calm. She’d come face-to-face with him before, while he was unrestrained no less. If she could do that, she could do this.</span>
</p><p><span>“Well if that’s what you’d like. I assume you’ve come to talk about Malcolm, yes? I can’t imagine why else you’d be here alone and you know what, I’d </span><em><span>love</span></em><span> to offer some insight. You know he was heartbroken when you left and he’s been </span><em><span>so</span></em> <em><span>happy</span></em><span> since you’ve gotten back.”</span></p><p>
  <span>Her heart skipped a beat before picking up faster than before and while she knew on a surface level it was unsettling how giddy that made her feel, it did make her understand Malcolm a bit more. No matter how much she was a cop and he was a serial killer in this conversation, he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> a parent and that shred of parental approval felt validating in the slimiest way. It was easy to see how Dr. Whitly still had so much control over his son and she felt her heart break a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I’m not here to talk about him. I have some questions about an ongoing case.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective Powell, you should know by now, I don’t give anything without something in return.” She stood silent, fighting to keep her face an impassive mask even as he approached her coming within inches of the red line. “You know, he’s quite taken with you and I only want the best for him—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> know that’s not true.” His face twisted into a crooked smile. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dammit. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She’d given him an inch and now, he’d take a mile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah ah ah Dani, be careful.” The musical lilt his voice took on made a shiver run down her spine. “He’s my son, my </span>
  <em>
    <span>boy.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Of course I want the best for him after all, Malcolm and I? We’re the same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her blood ran cold and it felt like someone had stuck their hand into her chest and started squeezing her heart because there it was, clear as day. Dr. Whitly had laid out yet another facet of Malcolm’s personality that he so desperately tried to hide for her, had shown her another reason why he was such a self-sacrificing moron sometimes, why he was so willing to take on the pain of others, take the fall for others given the chance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At some point probably when he was very young, Dr. Whitly had told Malcolm they were the same and he carried that with him every single day. God, she knew that Jessica Whitly had already done it once but she was tempted to stab in the heart again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you aren’t but that isn’t the point of this conversation. Like I said, I have questions about a case. I’m sure your son has told you about the murders we’re looking at, correct?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes zeroed in on her with an intensity that she seriously didn’t like. It made her feel like he was peeling back layers of skin to get to the heart or perhaps deeper, to the bone of the matter, and knowing what he was, she knew that he could.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course my boy’s told me about the case. Serial killer stabber, killing joggers who all look remarkably like you. I have to say that he gets no points for originality on the method. A kitchen knife? Bah, child’s play.” He waved his hand in dismissal before any amusement or false amusement he’d just had disappeared at the drop of a hat. “Now, the number of stab wounds as a method of counting victims…I don’t hate that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s actually what I had questions about. What do you think is the likelihood our killer escalated?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Interesting theory, please tell me more, be </span>
  <em>
    <span>specific.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dani hated the glint in his eye and she </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> knowing that he was enjoying this, enjoying hearing about the bloody murders of young women. But she had no choice. If this could be what she gave to him then she wouldn’t have to give him anything more about his son to exploit. She could do this. She could definitely do this. She repeated it in her head like a mantra.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would it make sense if our killer started with assault then escalated to murder? Instead of looking for a man who snapped, we’re looking for one who escalated?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, may I?” He gestured to the folder in her hand and she begrudgingly handed it to him. As he sat down at his desk and paged through it with a furrowed brow it struck her how similar his thinking face was to Malcolm’s; it was an observation she’d never tell either of them but, she filed away nonetheless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Dr. Whitly went over the files, she took in the cell. The bookshelves were well stocked with an enviable selection of books that she knew her mother would’ve loved as well as his horrid books of experiments that her mother would’ve hated. Were he not a serial killer and psychopath, Dani had a feeling that would have liked Martin Whitly, would’ve enjoyed discussing literature with him amongst other things. It was a disconcerting thought but one she was certain that others who’d walked into his cell had had before. She wasn’t sure if that was a comfort to her or not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I think you’re partially right.” While she’d been observing the room, he’d gotten up and was holding the file out towards her. “Your killer escalated but it wasn’t from assault. If it was the wounds from the earlier murders, specifically the one on the back, would’ve been more confident. No, he was having trouble at first cutting through the muscle down to the bone, he hadn’t perfected his craft yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She suppressed the urge to shiver, considering his statement. “So you think the killer could’ve escalated from what? A failed attempt at murder? Maybe two?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something like that. But then, something caused him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>snap</span>
  </em>
  <span> and after that happened, he got a taste.” He smiled and Dani wanted to throw up. “He </span>
  <em>
    <span>learned.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Just as she was about to respond her phone buzzed and as she pulled from her pocket, the note from Malcolm fluttered out and to the floor. Not over the red line thankfully, but close enough to it that, from the way his eyes widened, she knew he’d been able to read it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh he got you </span>
  <em>
    <span>flowers,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dani?” She darted down to grab the note and in her haste she felt the locket slip out of the collar of her sweater and into view, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“And</span>
  </em>
  <span> he gave you Great-Grandma Milton’s locket? Wow. Wait! Are you two finally </span>
  <em>
    <span>dating?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Oh I’ve been waiting for this for almost a year now! How long has it been?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hated that this was an exciting tidbit for him and she couldn’t believe she had been so stupid as to keep the necklace on and the note in her pocket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for all the information and no, we aren’t dating Dr. Whitly.” She banged on the door which Mr. David thankfully opened quickly. It took everything in her to ignore the urge to turn around and flip Martin off as she heard him shouting at her to “Have a lovely dinner with Malcolm, and let him know he’s got approval from the parents!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Checking her phone as she got into her car she saw that the text she’d received had actually been from Malcolm reminding her that Ainsley was coming home tomorrow so he would be super busy until Sunday but he couldn’t wait to see her. She wanted to hate how thrilled something as stupid as a single text made her but she just couldn’t bring herself to. It felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>nice</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be…wooed? Was that the right word for it? Whatever it was, it wasn’t something she’d ever experienced before and, while she knew she’d hate it if it were anyone else, this was Malcolm Bright and she couldn’t help but be charmed by him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rather than dwelling on that for too long, she replied with an affirmative to the text, turned on her car, and put one of her favorite playlists on shuffle, smiling as one of her favorite Taylor Swift songs filtered through the speakers. It brought her mood up after the exhaustion of dealing with The Surgeon and so rather than overanalyze everything about that visit, she decided to let herself get immersed in the music.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, after she parked, grabbed her things, and let herself into her building the discussion with Martin loomed larger and larger in her mind. Perhaps </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the reason the case felt so familiar. Maybe the first victim </span>
  <em>
    <span>hadn’t been killed.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Suddenly, the connection snapped together in her mind and she was dialing Malcolm’s number from memory before she even realized what was happening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Malcolm, I think I figured it out, of course it’s the one time you don’t pick up when I call.” She rolled her eyes, “What if the first victim didn’t die? Right before we got caught up in the Endicott case, an old friend of mine asked me to look into the stabbing of one of her undercovers, said that there was something about it that didn't track for her. I think that’s where I recognized the M.O. from—” the sound of a door banging open caught her attention but after taking a quick look around seeing nothing and she put the phone back up to her ear, “...sorry, thought I heard something, anyway, I’ll get in touch with her this weekend and on Sunday we can—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something hit her in the back of her head, </span>
  <em>
    <span>hard</span>
  </em>
  <span> but before she could even look around to find her attacker she felt the prick of a needle in her neck and then, nothing at all.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(1) yes, dani is a ts fan and (secretly) so is malcolm, i'll give y'all ONE guess as to what song was playing through the speakers of her car</p><p>(2) if we’re looking at how sure we are….it’s always 72% now</p><p>(3) i promise i will not leave you on that note for too long </p><p>(4) this is the end of "part 3"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>